This post is inspired by the grocery shopping that I just did. As is typical these days, I was stressing out about credit card debt, and bills, and rent and my future and on and on. And I was like, Jesus Christ, being an adult BLOWS! Remember when you were little and you’re all “when I’m a grown-up I’ll never have a bedtime! Yeah! I’ll be able to buy Lucky Charms and no one can stop me!” And now you see that Lucky Charms costs $6 a box which is totally bogus because it’s a box full of sugar and wheat so you sigh and buy Marshmallow Mateys.
So in order to pull myself back from the edge of the quarter-life crisis abyss I am standing on today I have made a little list of things that are awesome about being a grown-up, with a few cons thrown in because I’m realistic.
1. You can eat what you want for dinner. You want to make a well-balanced meal of lentils and mung beans? Great! You’re doing it for your own health and you can be proud of yourself. You want to eat 9 chocolate chip cookies with an apple “to balance it out?” Go ahead! No one’s stopping you! Here, have a tenth cookie if you want…or don’t…you can decide because you’re a grown up!
2. You get to clean your room when you feel like it. You want to play video games all day in your jammies and clean your room tomorrow? You can! Yo mama don’t live here! (Exceptions apply if you have company coming, a partner who is neater than you, or children for whom you feel obligated to be a good example. Those are the cons).
3. Sex. You can have it with other grown-ups in special grown-ups only time! That’s fun! Can’t do that when you’re a kid.
4. Grocery Shopping . This is a pro and con. See: price of Lucky Charms as stated above. But you know how when you’re a kid and you go grocery shopping with your mom and you put Mallomars in the cart hoping she won’t notice but she totally does and she tells you to go put it back where you found it? Doesn’t happen anymore! Put those Mallomars right in that cart and keep them there!
5. Drinking. It’s 2 pm and I’m drinking a hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps (Shout out to Hattie). Why? Because I’m cranky and it’s cold and I’m an adult so I can! Take that, kids!
6. You don’t go to the bathroom in your pants. I don’t remember diapers, but I imagine it wasn’t pleasant. (Con Exception: The elderly).
7. You get to watch grown-up TV. Here’s some crappy shows: Barney, Teletubbies, Hannah Montana. Here are some good shows: All the ones on HBO and Showtime. Guess who gets to watch the good ones? That’s right, you!! (Con Exception: Parents).
I don’t know about you, but I feel better already! That might be the Schnapps talking, though.
Photo: Hyberbole and a Half. Obvs.