Three Months of Excelle: Women Be Crazy

So, I spent most of last summer and fall being unemployed, a time that I back upon without much fondness. During those desperate months, I threw pretty much everything against the wall to see what would stick. I networked, I cold-called, I internet searched, I signed up with temp agencies, I met a career counselor”¦everything.  That included enrolling in several of Monster.com’s special-interest e-newsletters. Among the many I selected was Excelle, the newsletter for working women! Excelle. Can’t you just see the shoulder-padded blazers now?

I have never once actually clicked through on a single Excelle article that’s been plopped into my inbox, but I haven’t unsubscribed for a reason that will soon become clear. It’s become a fairly entertaining little feed into my email. The things that they seem to think are worthy of a women’s career newsletter are kind of astounding.  Keep in mind these are the subject lines of each newsletter; presumably, this is the A-1 headline they have to offer for a given week.

It alternates between the most prevalent, over-repeated career advice ever (body language matters in interviews! Put action verbs in your resume!) and cartoonishly feminine topics, some of which have nothing to do with careers (Holiday movies! Celebrities! Gifts for your man!). Also, it tackles the important issues, like how much cleavage is too much and why you need to keep your womanly feelings hidden in the workplace.

Please note, these are actual headlines. And, unless I’ve accidentally deleted one here or there, this is every one that I’ve received; I haven’t removed the more reasonable ones to make my point. (I swears by the precious!) I have, however, bolded my favorites.

How Much Cleavage Is Too Much at Work?
9 Ways Women Kill Their Own Careers
10 Lessons I Learned by Age 30
Why It’s NEVER Okay to Cry at Work
6 Ways to Make Your Resolutions Stick (for a Change!)
Body Language Can Make (or Break) a Job Interview
7 Celebs’ Funny First Jobs
8 Ways to Revive a Stale Resume
Top 10 Holiday Movies of All Time
19 Essential Career Research Tools
18 Best Gifts for Every Type of Man
3 Ways to Stop Hating Mondays
Is It Ever Okay to Re-Gift?
Temp Jobs in 2011: Who’s Hiring?
10 Things to Spend MORE Money On
5 Ways Your Job Is Killing Your Body
Women’s Work Wardrobes Through the Ages
5 BEST Business Travel Tips
10 Ways to Get Unfriended on Facebook

Photo: Getty