What’s Your Sign, Baby?

If you answered “Ophiuchus,” then you already know what bomb I’m about to drop–not only is there a previously unknown thirteenth astrological sign, but the dates assigned to all of the signs have shifted. I’m still a Gemini but my bull-headed Taurus husband? He’s now a fleecy Aries, though he’s doesn’t particularly give a damn–I, on the other hand, sprinted into the bedroom yelling, “I have something VERY important to tell you!1!” when I found out (and apparently the new house rule is to reserve that sentence for a) pregnancy or b) winning the lottery).

While I don’t necessarily “believe” in astrology, I’ve always enjoyed reading my horoscope, even the clearly made-up (as opposed to rooted in actual astronomical calculations, I mean) Cosmopolitan “Love and Sex” horoscope–it’s a bit embarrassing to cop to that, but I got addicted to it in college. And when you attend a college where having sex is against the rules that stuff’s super titillating. I and my roommates read it daily and giggled because you don’t even have to add “in bed” to make it funny!

For old times’ sake, here’s my Cosmo-scope for today:

Venus knows you love to be petted, so get some hands-on pampering today–the kind that makes you purr.

Heh. heh. heh.

OH MY WORD, YOU GUYS–apparently it is way too late for my brain to function at normal capacity, because I misread the new star sign calendar and–deep breath–I am now a Taurus (my birthday is June 20, so I missed being a Gemini by one, single day).

And I HATE BULLS. No offense to my husband’s former sign, but Taurus is kind of an asshole, don’t you think? Listen to these “key words” from cafeastrology.com: “persevering, down-to-earth, stable, stubborn, possessive, prosperous, dependable, physical, sensual.” Four to seven of those words are negative, depending on your interpretation.

Now listen to Gemini’s key words: “talkative, mental, adaptable, flexible, changeable, responsive, sociable, superficial.” I like all of these things, except superficiality, I guess (and even that’s not so bad–I can admit that I’m a somewhat vain person and I am FINE with that).

In time, I will learn to be ok with this–but until then, I have to maintain control somehow: I present you with the Persephone Horoscope, wherein I make up, I mean “chart,” your signs and let you know what’s going to be happening in the near future:

Aries–Someone who has previously been a harbinger of chaos re-enters your life this month–but you’ve grown stronger, thanks to a chance encounter with a poisonous nightshade and a ‘lil radiation poisoning, and now you will direct their mischievous energy to good, instead of evil. If your pet is ill, feed it lemongrass sorbet. If it is well, feed it curds and whey. Your best days for romance are: Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, but never Sundays.

Taurus–All of your hopes and dreams about to be fulfilled–don’t feel bad about not being a Gemini anymore; you needed to learn to stop brushing your hair so much anyway. You’ll be tempted to purchase either a new pair of shoes or a trained hawk this month–learn to say no to your impulses, except when you want to say yes. Your best days for romance are: Mondays before noon and every other day of the week, from 7 p.m. to 7:15 p.m.

Gemini–You may feel bitter because of a recent loss. Always remember that there are two sides to every coin, and every rose has its thorn. If you meet a man with curly hair on a Wednesday, do not tell him where the money is hidden. He will betray you. Remember to eat soup for lunch at least twice per week. If you’re lost in the desert, chew on a leather shoe. Your best days for romance are: Every day at the stroke of midnight.

Cancer–What was it your mama used to always say about luck, a pickup truck, and a Mallard duck? If you don’t remember, call her–it’s high time you two put July 4, 2008 behind you, don’t you think? This is a wonderful month for you to make money, if you don’t mind selling your body. If you do mind, trade a childhood memento for magical beans. Your best days for romance are: during the full moon.

Leo–A long-term grudge will be revealed for the silliness it’s always been–your friend didn’t betray you, your fiance and entire family did. If you are single or an orphan, it was your boss and his mistress. Don’t act out of rage, but be aware that Venus in your third house means police officers and judicial figures will look fondly on you this month. Your best days for romance are: there aren’t any this month, but that’s because you need to focus on loving yourself more.

Virgo–Whatever you’ve been holding close to your heart, this is the month to let it go. Unless it’s a flak jacket or a pacemaker. Don’t look directly into the sun unless you do so through a cardboard box with a hole in it or unless you are an X-man. If you’re still serious about dancing lessons, just know that Scorpios and Cancers will step on your feet, and Capricorns will have perpetually sweaty palms. Your best days for romance are: every morning between breakfast and tea-time.

Libra–You know the fulfilling, exciting, high-paying career you’ve always dreamed of? You have exactly one week to make it a reality, before Uranus’ moons collide and your hope of getting out of that cubicle burns up in their auras. But look on the bright side–if you buy a scratcher this month, there’s at least a one in five chance you’ll win another scratcher! Lay off the caffeine, but increase your alcohol intake. Trust me, it’s a good idea. Your best days for romance are: whenever the sun is shining and that weird rash is cleared up.

Scorpio–One of your ancestors is directly descended from Robert E. Lee and a tobacco heiress, meaning that the home you’ve always longed for is in Virginia. It was burned to the ground 250 years ago, but if you donate to the Civil War Reenactors fund, there is a good chance Lee will visit you in your dreams and tell you where the buried currency of the Confederacy lies. Too bad instead of gold or silver they made coins out of Dixie dirt and pinecones. You will have at least three really nasty colds this month. Your best days for romance are: Thursdays, Mondays and–no, wait, just Thursdays.

Sagittarius–Just because you’re lonely doesn’t mean you need to wear oatmeal-colored turtlenecks and hum Elliott Smith songs all the time. Lighten up and you just might find the love of your life–or, at the very least, someone who’ll buy you a drink at a bar on Fairfax, tell you you’d be pretty if you’d just smile once in a while, and sing “Rockabye” over and over in a breathy voice. If he or she has a full-time job, I say jump their bones and forget about that whole “vow of celibacy” thing. Your best days for romance are: whenever you meet Shawn Mullins.

Capricorn–Last month you made a few bad decisions–you “drove away from the tank without paying for the gas,” if you know what I mean. If you don’t, you need to call that number that’s tattooed upside-down on your left ankle. If no one picks up, consider yourself lucky, pack up all your possessions, and try to convince someone who owns a houseboat to let your crash in the stern for awhile. You will discover that you have a severe allergy to bees, coconuts, and/or breadfruits. The Southern Hemisphere is not your friend. The Northern Hemisphere is your frenemy. Your best days for romance are: Fridays, Saturdays, and whenever your houseboat-roommate is gone on shore leave.

Aquarius–Hey, guess what! There was a really cool song about you in a musical about hippies once! Too bad you peaked in 1969. Don’t feel bad though–this month, your mojo will finally start to make a comeback, but only if you give intuition 100% free reign. So eat Nutty Buddies for breakfast. Wear your pants backwards because it makes your butt look good. Hug people who are really statues in the park and mannequins in the mall. But most of all, don’t be afraid to use non-traditional cleansing methods and eschew deodorant–you may find your natural scent is that of wild cherries and moonlight. Your best days for romance are: why don’t you decide that, you rakish prophet, you?

Pisces–If you sometimes wish that you had a spirit animal or Patronus, this is your lucky month! Pluto is about to make a comeback, existence-wise, and Mars is in the tenth house, so for the first time since 5,678,997 B.C., you will have the ability to transfer your essence into the first animal you dream of after the second bath you take on the third day of a frightful bender. If you dream of either a locust or an ox, you will be stuck in your misty animal-state forever, so look at some ink blots shaped like bears or dogs and try not to read about Egyptian plagues or Paul Bunyan. Your best days for romance are: any days that end in “-y” when you are corporeal.

Ophiuchus–You are worse than that kid from The Omen, Damien Whats-his-face. You waltzed into a perfectly happy Earth, up-ended everyone’s astrological houses, and screwed up our elemental signs so now fire means water and water means wind and wind means nothing!! Who do you think you are, Mercury in retrograde? GTFO! Your best days for romance are: Scaturdays and Muesdays. Oops, did I just make those up?

(I don’t want to be a Libra.  Scales are not cool.  Scorpions are cool.  ~ed.)