We lollygagged on getting a proper fella in the door to answer our questions, so tonight it’s your turn, readers! Share your answers to the first 6 of our 7 questions in the comments below. (The seventh is the Mad Lib question, it doesn’t really work here…)
Get ready, get set, get your #2 pencils and make us laugh with your answers to the following leading questions:
1. You’ve been given the power to invent a new ice cream flavor, what is it and why?
2. You’re chosen to remake any movie originally made between 1975-1990. What movie do you remake an how do you cast it?
3. What terrible song gets stuck in your head?
4. Tell us about a woman who has been influential in your life.
5. What’s your favorite joke?
6. A band is now following you around performing your personal soundtrack wherever you go, who are they, and what are they playing?
21 replies on “6 Questions for Our Witty Commenters”
1. I think I’d call it Oh No She Didn’t: Chocolate with swirls of marshmallow, caramel, and cake batter. Also, there would be chunks of brownies, cookie dough, and cheesecake…and waffles…and Twix bars. Ooh, with some Baileys and Kahlua mixed in. Hey, I’m lactose intolerant, so if I’m gonna eat this stuff it better be worth it.
2. I’m torn between Moonstruck featuring the cast of Jersey shore, or Flashdance starring Lady Gaga and/or James Franco.
3. Well, this week it has been that awful Old Navy song from the commercials, “Super C-U-T-E.” Barf. Normally, thanks to an episode of The Office years and years ago, the song stuck in my head most often is “Lovefool” by the Cardigans. My sister swears that if you get a song stuck in your head you should start singing “This Used to be My Playground” by Madonna and it will stop. This works for me sometimes, possibly because the thought of that baseball movie it was from usually makes me cry and then I’m too sad to sing. Thanks, Sis.
4. My mom has been the most influential person during my lifetime for obvious reasons, but outside of family I would have to say it was my 7th grade English teacher, Ms. Simmons. I was shy (I’m talking painful,debilitating anxiety every day) and I never spoke up in class. She pulled me aside one day and told me she wanted to enter some of my poems and writing into a national contest. I’m paraphrasing here, but she said “I know you are fearful to talk in class or raise your hand. You think no one notices you. But you have the loudest voice of anyone in this class-your writing voice.In the future it will make you stand out more than anyone.” I was shocked and also profoundly changed. Honestly, I had no idea she even knew who I was. We kept in touch on and off through the years, and she came to my college graduation when I got my English degree.
5. Aside from the very dirty Norwegian jokes my late grandfather taught me, I only know one joke. It’s so nerdy:
“There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.” Yes, I am a dork.
6. Tough one. I would say Silversun Pickups because that’s what I’ve been listening to most for the past few months…Still, I’m not always pensive and melancholy, so I would need some pop music once in awhile. Maybe Justin Timberlake or Rihanna. And when I am angry I like listening to Eminem.
1. I’d invent a really sour ice cream that is creamier than sorbet. Maybe lemon-lime with raspberry swirl?
2. I’d remake Batman Forever and Batman & Robin mostly because they sucked. I’d flesh out Batgirl a little bit more and get rid of the nipples on the Batsuit and make the whole thing much more enjoyable overall.
3. Firework by Katy Perry. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
4. I had this fabulous professor in college who I still look up to. She was beautiful, brainy, drove the cutest car, and I’m pretty sure she was carrying on a passionate affair with one of her coworkers. I loved that she was in her 30s and didn’t seem to be afraid of being single and awesome and a lady-scientist.
5. How do you make a dead baby float? Some root beer and two scoops of dead baby. (sorry!)
6. Adele. She can play whatever she wants, I respect her judgment.
1. Like @doomcupcake, my dream flavor is bacon chocolate; let’s add caramel to that and I might not eat anything else ever again.
2. Blue Lagoon popped into my head unbidden, so I’ll go with it and cast Amanda Seyfried and James Franco.
3. Ke$ha. All the Ke$ha.
4. My mommy, for sure. I hope I’m half as awesome as she is one day; somehow, she knows the answer to every question and problem I have (please, someone tell me this will happen to me, too?).
5. Favorite jokes make the toddler laugh – What’s brown and sticky? A stick! Where did Napoleon hide his armies? In his sleevies!
6. Oh, Tom Petty has been my go-to since forever.
1. There are not enough flavors that incorporate strawberries. So, to get the ball rolling on this gross oversight, I suggest Strawberry Caramel. Strawberry flavor, strawberry chunks and a swirl of caramel cream throughout. Bam.
2. Gah. I would have to think about the movies that came out between then. Mean. Okay, maybe this qualifies. I’m not saying the original was horrible and needs to be remade – I’m saying it needs to be introduced to a new generation. Behold: Labyrinth. (maybe Lady Gaga could make a cameo to give it box office edge thus ensuring a cast chosen for their abilities and not their stupid money making skills.)
3. Yesterday that blasted Justin Beiber song Never Say Never was running through my head like a gremlin (now that could be remade too!). Torture. And it’s the only JB song I know.
4. My piano teacher. And Jessica Fletcher.
5. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
6. Radiohead. And sometimes Britney Spears pops in to do a duet when I need some hilarity. :)
1. Chocolate Bacon Swirl: vanilla ice cream with a swirl of chocolate and bits o’ bacon. Because bacon and chocolate together is miraculously tasty.
2. Highlander, with Kevin McKidd as Conor McLeod, Ray Stevenson as The Kurgan, and Danny Trejo as Ramirez.
3. Craig Ferguson’s theme song.
4. A woman named Denise, who I used to wait tables with ten years ago.
5. It doesn’t work in writing, but it involves an elephant asking for a sticky bun.
6. A clown band playing circus music.
Chocolate bacon ice cream, you say?
I feel like ice cream has its very own version Rule 32. If you can imagine it, it’s probably out there.
1. Nutella-strawberry-banana-almond crepe.
2. Die Hard with a unknown female actor in the Bruce Willis role and presented out of sequence.
3. “I Gotta Feeling,” Black Eyed Peas. I hate it. So much.
4. Emma Goldman. Also, my grandmother.
5. I like puns, and physical comedy, and humorous stories, and absurd humor … I’m not a big fan of joke jokes. I can’t tell them, either. I do have a minor appreciation for bestiality jokes that use puns on “ewe”, however.
6. “The Imperial March”? But I would have to pay royalties to George Lucas, so that’s not realistic. So … whale songs. Definitely whale songs.
Whale songs. Brilliant.
1. I have no sweet tooth. Mine would be goat cheese with fig swirls. Oh, heaven.
2. A dark, live-action version of Disney’s Snow White, with Tilda Swinton playing every character.
3. Tainted Love has been known to torture me for days.
4. Simone Weil
5. Q. What has four legs and one arm?
A. A happy pit bull.
6. I think I’d rather be sentenced to the 9th level of hell. A band following me around playing music? Thanks, but no thanks.
That sounds like an amazing ice cream. A shop here does a goat cheese/rosemary gelato and it’s the tastiest frozen treat I’ve ever had.
1.) Chardonnay Surprise. Dessert is no time to be sober.
2.) “Star Wars” with an all-girl cast.
Even Darth Vader. Think about it for a moment.
(I think Lucy Lawless would be in there somewhere.)
3.) “I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth.” Ad nauseam, to infinity.
(No offense to Miss Willow Smith.)
4.) My Momma. She’s my hero. Even when we bicker and annoy each other, I hope I can be half as good and cool of a person as she is when I grow up.
5.) The only non-dirty one I can think of is actually a quote from a movie. From Pixar’s “Up” via the dog character, Dug, who says, “Hey, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, ‘I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead.’ Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.”
6.) David Bowie. A clone army of David Bowies playing back-up. And since he is David Bowie, he will invent new songs that perfectly fit the moment for my life soundtrack, most likely using metaphors involving space travel and diamond dogs. Because he is David Bowie, and can do no wrong.
1. Key lime pie. Because it’s delicious and should be in ice cream form but isn’t.
2. License to Drive. Les Anderson would be played by Zac Efron. Amanda Seyfried as Mercedes Lane. Cory Monteith as Dean. Martha Plimpton as the mom. Bob Saget as the dad. And no more casting, that’s enough.
3. At the moment? “Hold It Against Me” by Britney Spears. I wanted to love the song, but I can’t… the hideous pick-up line just kills me. KILLS.
4. My ninth/tenth grade English teacher. She’s awesome.
5. Two men walked into a bar. You’d think the second one would have ducked.
6. Matchbox 20, and they’re playing Real World.
Now I feel the urge to google everyone’s ice cream choices to show them how it can become a fabulous, fabulous reality. But this one was on Food Network!
1. I want to transform a nutella and banana crepe into ice cream. I don’t know how you would make that work with the crepe part, but I’m sure those food scientists in New Jersey can figure it out.
2. “Ladyhawke” with the cast of “Bored to Death.” That moive begs for an overly campy remake.
3. The Christmas carol “Angels We Have Heard on High.”
4. My mom. For better or worse.
5. My favorite joke is way too off-color to ever write or say in public.
6. Rage Against the Machine should just follow me around. Because really, there’s not much I enjoy more than being mad about something.
1) The Elvis Pintsley: chocolate ice cream with banana, peanut butter, and dark chocolate covered candied bacon.
2) Can I just erase Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull instead?
3) The theme song to Family Matters. Seriously.
4) My great grandmother! She went to college in the 1920s and was an amazing, amazing cook. She taught all us kiddies how to play cards for fun as well as for money.
5) What’s blue and tastes like red paint?
… blue paint.
6) Janis Joplin is singing me soulful songs.
1. Chocolate and Pistachio Swirl with bits of chocolate and pistachio in it
2. The Breakfast Club with the cast of Twilight – solely for my own amusement at how awful it would be
3. Craaaaaaaaaaaaaawling in my skiiiiiiiiiiiiiin these wouuuuuunds they will not heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal (Linkin Park, big when I started college) or maybe Hoobastank’s “The Reason”
4. My mom, especially considering the abusive relationship her mother still has with her. She’s a great mom and we have as little as possible to do with evil grandma. She is also incredibly supportive of me when I have had a rough few years.
5. How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!
6. I think it would have to be Cascada. Their music is constantly upbeat, sometimes melancholy, but always great to dance to. I’d also love to have the lead singer follow me around and show me how to dye my hair like hers which is a hybrid of black and blonde. Wish I could look so outrageous all the time!
1. Derby Pie- inspired by the dessert popular among my Kentucky relatives. Contains pieces of pie crust, chocolate chips and pecans in vanilla ice cream.
2. Live action version of Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Jon Hamm as Prince Eric, obviously.
3. Tubthumping. Happens all. The. Time.
4. Mrs. Williams, my teacher form kindergarten through second grade. She was unreasonably patient with badly-behaved 6-year-old me, gave me more advanced spelling tests and books to read, and is just an all-around excellent human being.
5. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard of it.
6. It depends on the day, but at the moment it would probably be Florence and the Machine, because I imagine she would just create lovely, quirky little songs that narrated what I was doing.
DYING at #5.
1. S’morenutter – Vanilla bean ice cream with peanut butter and marshmallow ribbons, dotted with chocolate covered graham cracker chunks.
2. Flowers in the Attic, directed by Christopher Guest and cast with his regulars. They’re members of an online FitA fanclub who want to self fund a remake.
3. Jenny from the Block and The Final Countdown
4. My mom. I can’t even put her awesomeness into words. Also, surprisingly, the sisters from my Catholic college. They were all badasses.
5. There’s a long one about pirates and pants, but my favorite short joke is from my BFF. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
6. It depends on the day. Some days, it’s totally early 90’s Beastie Boys. Some days, it’s a quartet of eighty year old dudes from the Odd Fellows playing elevator music on accordions.
Oh god, #2 would be so amazing.
My friends and I had a follow up to your #5 joke… Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey.
Not really funny, and I have no idea where it came from, but we would howl with laughter at it.