Ask STFU Jezzies 2/3

Is it really Thursday at 11 again? It must be if it’s Ask STFU Jezzies time! From the mailbag this week we have this feedback from a reader:

I have a response to the person who wrote in about fantasizing during sex. I don’t think having the fantasies indicates you two aren’t sexually compatible, but I do think that your unwillingness to tell him about the fantasies might be a problem. Is there a reason you can’t tell him the truth about what you’re thinking? My boyfriend and I have had a great time sharing fantasies in the middle of sex, and they aren’t always about each other (and what’s even more fun is that after sharing enough of them, you can begin to create new ones together!). Is there a possibility that your boyfriend is asking you about your fantasies because he has some of his own that he’s dying to share? It doesn’t sound like you would be devastated to find out that he’s fantasizing about someone else, so give the boy some credit! Tell him what you’re really thinking and see where the night takes you.

I thought this was a good response and I don’t have much to add.  Thanks for taking the time to add your two cents, reader!

Imagine the situation: You are a nice and soft spoken young woman with slightly low self confidence who dislikes unwanted attention and loud places. You are riding the bus to go home. The bus is mostly empty. A couple sitting across from you start to loudly make fun of your features because of your nationality. You are shocked beyond belief that people this day and age would be so blatantly racist.. But, how would (or rather, should) you respond to them?

Ugh. I’m sorry this happened to you.  I took this question to the editors because this I was feeling conflicted about what the  best response would be.  We decided that you have a few options.  For me, I am often confrontational and would likely get enraged to the point of not even being able to see straight while I was reaming them for their ignorance and social skills WTFery.  But you say you’re soft-spoken and prefer to avoid unwanted attention.  In that case, it may be more comfortable for you to just ignore it.  I was going to say to get up and move to a different part of the bus, but that feels very “move to the back of the bus” and that doesn’t seem right.  Others can chime in to disagree here, but I think that they are probably not going to change their ignorance based on one interaction with you, so it might not be worth it.  Finally, a couple of our editors and Thankless Interns suggested that as you get off the bus you look directly at them and say “I’ll pray for you.”  It gets the point across that they are terrible people and that you heard them, and avoids the whole scene that yours truly might have created by screaming obscenities in the middle of a crowded bus.

I am having relationship troubles. After three years together, I am seriously considering that the dude I’m dating is not the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.

I started law school in the fall and my BF got a job in the same city and we moved there together. His job is incredibly stressful, he has generalized anxiety disorder, and law school is stressful. He has come home snapping and sarcastic ever since he started his job. Every day is a “bad day” for him and he takes it out on me. I have spoken with him before and told him that his words and attitude are inappropriate and need to stop. He admits his fault and tries to stop.

However, it seems like the only time it sinks in is when I blow up. I’ve recently taken the personal policy to stop letting him get away with any snappy comments because I get the feeling that one snap leads to another, leads to another, and suddenly he’s back to being a jerk.

We got into a huge fight the other day and I told him that he needs to “change his behavior” (a phrasing he took offense to while also understanding the meaning behind it) or “this” wasn’t going to work out.

Our relationship has always been strong, has survived cheating (him, once, two years ago), study abroad (two years ago), and an on-again/off-again recovery period from the mess that happened back then. Communication is usually our strong point but when I gave my ultimatum, he was surprised, thinking we’d been doing well up until Christmas. That pisses me off because I KNOW that I’ve told him to quit the bitchin’ last semester but somehow that went over dude’s head. Probably because I wasn’t calling him out on it in a loud, angry voice. Which is bullshit I even need to do that.

All of this is compounded by the fact that I have a mini-crush on a guy in my class that has persisted slightly past its expiration date. After I gave the ultimatum, which I strongly believe is true – this shit is wearing me down – I faced the fact that breaking up would not be as easy as it felt like when I was pissed. I have never met any PERSON, let alone a man I was attracted to, who was as compatible mentally, emotionally and sexually as this dude is, even when he’s being a douchecanoe.

But geeze, I don’t know what to do. He’s on the lease until August, he’d have nowhere to go, (so I can’t really suggest a temporary break to settle ourselves separately) and I’d miss him. What are your thoughts?

Oooh that’s a tough one.  I’m going to share a little song that’s gotten me through tough times.  “Listen to your heeeaaarrt when he’s calling for you, listen to your heart there’s nothing else you can do….listen to your heart before you tell him goodbyeeeee.”

Really though, it sounds like you’re really not ready to give up on this relationship yet.  You’ve been through some tough times together in the past and were obviously able to move past them.  Does this current rough patch feel different from those times?  If not, it may just be another rough patch that you’ll get through and be stronger for.

My suggestion is to try to work on it until August and then reevaluate then where you are, if you still want to continue living together or even continue to be in a relationship.  Is counseling an option for either of you separately or together?  You say you think that communication has always been a strength in your relationship, but you’re feeling now like you have to be yelling or angry before he listens to you.  If you were able to talk to each other in a therapist’s office, he might be more likely to see that what you’re saying is Serious Business and listen to it.  Also, the therapist can help make sure that he’s really hearing what you’re saying.  He might need to be in counseling on his own too, because it sounds like he could benefit from learning some techniques to help him deal with his anger and frustration without taking it out on you.

Sometimes when things come to a huge blow-up like that, even though it’s upsetting and stressful, it’s just what’s needed to finally get all of the issues out there and start to work on them for reals.  He’s now finally heard you, so he might be able to start working on his snappiness and everything else.  But, if by August it’s still not getting any better, then would be the time to consider taking a break.

Good luck! I hope things get better for you both.

That’s it for this week.  Make sure to submit your questions here or e-mail them and we’ll keep them anonymous!

One reply on “Ask STFU Jezzies 2/3”

For the second writer – people talking about me happens all the time, because I’m a white girl living in Taiwan. People never expect that I might understand Chinese, so they often really let themselves go; luckily it’s usually nice things, but from time to time when it’s rude and offensive I just stare at whoever talking (in my case, that’s usually when they start asking each other whether maybe the foreigner speaks Chinese, I smile, they get embarrassed) to show that I’ve heard, and that I’m really not impressed, nor scared – just contemptuous. It usually does the trick.

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