Veronica, puking out the side of her car, upon realization that if Jake Kane is her father than her ex-boyfriend is her half-brother. How’s that for a compelling show opener? Too bad the Mystery of the Week this week isn’t as provocative. And even the Lilly Kane/Who’s Your Daddy mystery is a little slow-burning in this ep. Our intrepid sleuth does use her skills to figure out that it was the head security guy at Kane Industries who took the pictures of her she found in the safe deposit box. She was able to figure it out because the guy paid for some food with a credit card while he was stalking her. Pretty much every adult in this show is an incompetent spy.Although I have to say that I like that Veronica Mars is a girl of action. Whereas many other heroines would spend the whole episode, if not the rest of the season, crying over not knowing who their father is, V. doesn’t mess around. She immediately gets a home DNA test and gives some BS story to her dad about how they are doing at-home HIV tests in school but she is afraid to prick her finger and will he do it for her instead. Really Papa? You’re gonna fall for that? Public schools aren’t even allowed to give out condoms, they’re really going to condone at-home HIV tests? Guess that’s why you’re not sheriff anymore. (Burn!) Anyway, denial is one of the strongest tools a parent can have, so Papa Mars complies. Veronica makes a point of saying she’s never been sexually active. This is something I missed the first time around and I had been working on the assumption that if Duncan really is her half-brother that they’d totally done it. Guess not. Way to mess up a perfectly good Flowers In The Attic storyline, Veronica Mars.
Back to the Eh of the Week. The parents of an 09er kid, Casey (played by the guy who played Aaron Samuels in Mean Girls) come to Mars Investigations because their son who used to be an upper class dick has run off to join a cult, selling his Porsche in the process. They want the cult to be shut down or their son rescued or something, but the reason that we care is because they have offered a $5,000 bonus for “solving the case” and that Mars’ have apparently not had hot water for 5 months, and Papa Mars says they can use the money to move. This gets Veronica’s ass in gear. But really? These people let their teenage son, the worst drivers of all time, drive a $50,000 car that he will probably total, and all they can offer for his safe return is five grand? Keith, you need to learn to negotiate. And speaking of, the man still has a messed up face from beating up Wallace’s mom’s tenant last episode, but he can’t manage to get his building to fix the hot water?
But I digress. So Veronica infiltrates the cult via a boundary-less teacher who is the one who recruited Casey too. She writes a poem about cutting and submits it to the teacher who leaps on the chance to invite Veronica to spend the afternoon with the cult. Who is turns out!! Are all really nice people who are growing poinsettias. Seriously. “It’s almost Christmas!” But just when you thought that this storyline was boring, Casey’s parents come back (with a cult deprogrammer. Seems like they are jumping the gun a little) saying that time is of the essence because Casey’s grandmother is dying and has left him $80 million, which they are afraid he will turn over to the cult. Unfortunately, Keith doesn’t let them know that if the family stands to inherit that much money that they’re going to need to raise their bonus above the price of a used Jetta. The case plugs on. I think this is where I lost interest when I watched this episode the first time. Anyway, Casey tells Veronica that he knows that his parents only treat him well because they know he stands to inherit all this money and they’re greedy bastards.
But what’s this? Veronica is pouring herself a glass of milk and sees the face of Rain, one of her new cult friends, smiling right from the side of the carton. Another aside: Ever since I read The Face On The Milk Carton I’ve always kept my eye out for, well, faces on milk cartons and I’ve never seen a single one. I don’t think they do that in real life. Papa Mars sees this as a big break because Rain is a minor runaway and he wants hot water and I guess doesn’t want to confront the super. Meanwhile, Casey’s grandma dies and Veronica goes to the funeral where she warns the cult leader that people may be coming for Rain. Casey thanks Veronica for all her support, just before he is kidnapped by his parents and the deprogrammer. Not lookin’ good for Aaron Samuels.
When Veronica gets home, Papa Mars tells her that he decided not to turn in the collective after learning that Rain had run away because her life had been shitty (duh) and that it turns out they’re just a bunch of well-meaning hippies, which we knew already. Casey shows up at school the next day in a new fancy car and with some swagger! Guess he was deprogrammed to turn back into a dick. Since the Mars family lives out the rest of the series in their same apartment, I guess we can assume that they never got that bonus.
Oh and the DNA test? Veronica got the results by the end of the episode (love those speedy results), but decided to shred them without reading them because she wants Keith to be her dad, even if he’s not your dad. Me? I’d wanna know if I did it with my brother, but that’s why there’s no show called Luci Furious.
See you next week for more teen lady spy recaps!