So you didn’t watch the Super Bowl. Maybe football isn’t your thing, or you had better things to do, or you were protesting certain players who were accused of certain crimes. I don’t know why you didn’t watch; I’m not here to judge.
Luckily for you, dear football-phobe, I did watch The Big Game. I’m going to help you survive the inevitable post-game Super Bowl chitchat with everything you need to know to hold a football conversation with the best of them.
First things first: the Green Bay Packers beat the Pittsburgh Steelers, 31-25. If you take nothing else away from this article, know that cheese beats steel in the rock-paper-scissors of professional football.
Before the game even started, viewers were blessed with Lea Michele’s overly-sincere America the Beautiful and Christina Aguilera’s lyrically-challenged Star Spangled Banner. Videos of these tragedies are online. You should definitely check them out. Super Bowl performance snarking is something even football haters can get in on this time of year.
The first half was pretty boring for a big game like this. The Packers quickly scored 3 touchdowns to go up 21-3 over the Steelers, including an interception returned for a touchdown. Pro-tip: this is commonly referred to as a “pick-six.” Best to know the local language.
The Steelers put together a touchdown drive at the end of the first half to bring the score to 21-10, but the credit for this one goes to receivers Hines Ward and Antwaan Randle El, not quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I can’t remember anything else really happening in the first half; it was that boring.
We then moved on to the halftime show, which was a Tron rip-off abomination. The only redeeming factor was Usher dancing like the sexy dancing man he is. Otherwise, it was just 10 minutes of the Black Eyed Peas poorly performing 30-second clips of their biggest hits. Slash might have been on stage at some point, but I’m not entirely convinced it wasn’t Steelers defensive star Troy Polamalu. Halftime left me longing for Janet and Justin and hoping the second half would be more entertaining.
I was not disappointed. The third quarter saw a Steelers team on fire; coach Mike Tomlin must have delivered one hell of a halftime pep talk. Green Bay failed to score in the third, while Pittsburgh managed to capitalize on their second-half momentum with a touchdown, bringing the score to 21-17.
The score didn’t last long into the fourth quarter. A Steelers fumble was recovered by Green Bay and momentum quickly shifted back toward the cheese team. The Packers, led by sexy teddy bear quarterback Aaron Rodgers, turned the fumble into a touchdown, pulling further away from the Steelers as the game clock wound down. Both teams would score another touchdown before the end of the game. Final score: Packers 31, Steelers 25.
Though it looked like the Steelers had a chance in the last two minutes, in the end this was the Packers game to lose. The Steelers certainly didn’t do themselves any favors. Turnovers and a lackluster performance by Roethlisberger sealed Pittsburgh’s fate as the big loser for the evening. The Packers, a community-owned team plagued by injuries with the second youngest roster in the NFL, played a better game than the veteran and recent Super Bowl champion Steelers.
Depending on who you’re talking to and which team they supported, there are a couple things you should know. First: it sucks when your team loses this game. Friends might try to console you with “at least they won the conference and got to the Super Bowl.” As a fan of last year’s losers, the Indianapolis Colts, I can tell you right now that really doesn’t matter at all. Losing sucks. If you are talking to a Pittsburgh fan (a sad loser), here are a few safe go-to talking points:
– The receivers were on top of their game tonight.
– The third quarter looked promising, at least.
– Turnovers, man.
– At least you still have that Wiz Khalifa song. Green Bay just has cold.
Now if you’re talking to Green Bay fan, all you really need to do is smile and say it was a great game. Winning makes for cheery, chatty fans. But just in case you want to contribute a little more to the conversation, a few comments to keep in your pocket:
– We won!
– The defense was on fire.
– Gotta love that Clay Matthews/Aaron Rodgers/Nick Collins.
– Can’t wait for next season!
Actually, don’t mention next season. A contract dispute between the players union and team owners has cast doubts on whether there will be any NFL football this coming fall.
When all else fails, you can always talk about the commercials. Highlights: the one with the kid acting like Darth Vader that almost thawed my frozen womb, Groupon’s horrible tourism misfires, and Eminem intimidating nice people into buying Nestea and Chryslers.
As the 2010 season draws to a close, you, the football-phobe, can rest easy knowing that there won’t be anymore talk of touchdowns for at least a little while. If you can make it through the next few days, as fans hang on to the last scrap of pigskin in total denial that the season really is over, you can enjoy a few months without football. NCAA spring football kicks off in three months. Plan accordingly.