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Godless Pepsi

I got this glurge in a bulletin from somebody on my friends list yesterday:

“DON’T BUY PEPSI IN THE NEW CAN!

Pepsi has a new ‘patriotic’ can coming out with pictures of the Empire State Building , and the Pledge of Allegiance on them.

However, Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge, ‘Under God.’

Pepsi said they didn’t want to offend anyone.

In that case, we don’t want to offend anyone at the Pepsi corporate office, either! So if we don’t buy any Pepsi product, they will not be offended when they don’t receive our money that has the words ‘In God We Trust’ on it.

HOW FAST CAN YOU REPOST THIS ONE?”

The urge to vomit was strong with this one.

I stared at the paragraph in utter disbelief, that in 2011, after years of Snopes disproving all of this glurge, after they’ve made the Facebook and MySpace and chain letter rounds for absolute years, that everybody still passes this crap along without even bothering to correct the horrendous grammar or think about what they are posting.

So let’s just pretend for a moment that this long-ago disproved bit of idiocy is true. That PepsiCo is indeed planning to release commemorative political cans while simultaneously omitting the word “God” from said cans just to piss off the majority of red-state people across the nation. For the sake of argument.

Why, for the love of hell, would Pepsi do such a thing? How could it possibly benefit them in terms of sales? Let’s think logically. Nobody is going to collect commemorative cans with pictures of the Empire State Building. Most people in their target demographic wouldn’t even recognize the Empire State Building in a lineup. If Pepsi wanted to increase sales they’d come out with cans emblazoned with the likes of folks like Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, and other washed up celebrity trainwrecks. Call it the “winning” edition. Collect them all before their stock goes down again! I can see it now: a new version of Cherry Pepsi: Winning Edition. We’d call it “Tigerblood Pepsi.” Brilliant!

PEOPLE of the Book of Face. Please. I am begging you. THINK before you post this stuff. You aren’t going to stop drinking Pepsi. Nobody is going to boycott Pepsi anymore than they would boycott Doritos, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or Walmart. Why? Because those things are as American as reality TV, Oprah’s Book Club, and missles.

I love how some folks will jump on a bandwagon about a can of damned Pepsi because it doesn’t honor their idea of religious expression, and yet they’ll still continue to shop at Wally World and hand their dough over to a billionare family that exploits third world workers for 18 cents a day. But wait a minute – those third world workers are communists – they deserve it! And the Indian people who are exploited by Walmart? Well, they’re the next best thing to an Arab, right? Right? Obviously our can of aluminium carbonated goodness is a more important issue than the human rights of other people. Never mind the percentage of the United States that may not want the word “God” screaming at them from a Pepsi can. They don’t count either, because they’re going to hell anyway!

Why, oh why, I ask anyone, is God still an issue in this country? If you believe in God, Jesus, whatever, fine. That is your right. And there are millions of churches all over the country for you to practice that religion. You wouldn’t tolerate “under Allah” being plastered all over your Pepsi can, would you? I didn’t think so. That would be downright blasphemous. I find it utterly laugh-inducing that there are still people who actually push this junk. They’re still bitching about evolution, they don’t want their children taking Greek Mythology classes or learning about other religions. They want the words “under God” on their Pepsi cans and “I love Jesus” on the bombs we drop on Libya. They want Jesus-shaped fritos to dip in their holy guacamole.

I have to give us Americans props: we certainly are good at wasting time on hating things. We love to threaten corporations with losing our business. And if there is nobody around to offend our moral fiber and lose our hard-earned dollars? No problem! We’ll just make it up! Keeps ’em on their toes.

Oh people of the glurge, you are such a shining example of Christian humility. Maybe you could consider sending your heathen Pepsis to a starving third world country, you know, as a peace offering. Yes: boycott Pepsi over an untrue piece of glurge, but continue to eat at Chik-Fil-A with their record of funding homophobic groups. Homophobic chicken is extra piping hot, juicy and delicious. Warsh it down with a glass of new and improved Pious Pepsi.

In the meantime, I’m gonna worship the sun. And I’m gonna keep enjoying my Godless Pepsi. #winning

9 replies on “Godless Pepsi”

I was really wondering ‘what is this doing on PerMag’ until I continued reading. First of all.. chain letters? In this day and age and on Facebook? Am I a HA HA allowed?
Second: Why, for the love of hell, would Pepsi do such a thing? Quite sums it up.

I loved the Spice Girls Pepsi a hundred years ago though. Come on Pepsi, go retro and bring the Spice Girls back!

Don’t feel bad. Somebody just thought to put me in my place on FB by telling me that the article was a fake and had been proved by Snopes. They saw the headline and didn’t bother to read my article and wanted to be smug.

Next time I’ll edit the captions and the front page text so as not to be confusing!

PEOPLE of the book of face made me seriously crack up out loud in my office. Ha.

I actually boycott Coca Cola, and I have since my junior year of high school. It is a very long story that started out as an environmental thing then turned into a personal vendetta, and now it’s too late to turn back. Pepsi tastes better, anyway.

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