I Think We Broke the Dog

Okay, first off, we don’t make it a habit to bone in front of the animals. We are actually really adamant about locking all of them out of the room when the sexy-times are nigh, which is no small feat since we currently have 4 cats and a dog that have some serious separation issues and are pretty sure a shut door means they are going to starve to death. One day, however, my sister (who lives with the us) was out of town, we had the whole house to ourselves, and we wanted to bang on the couch (sorry, Sister, you may want to avoid that particular cushion from now on).

Locking the animals out of our bedroom is no big deal, but trying to wrangle them from the various spots in the house would have been a total mood killer. So yes, the dog saw us have sex for the first time in her life. Later that day, she, yes, SHE, begins humping everything in sight, my arm, the couch, the air, but mostly, the little male foster kitten. She would not give the poor little man, Fuzzy Trout McGiantBalls, a minute’s freaking peace. When he would retreat to higher ground, she would sit below and whine incessantly. Why Trout was her favorite target, we have no idea: perhaps it was the giant balls, calling to her like bacon in the night, as he hadn’t been fixed yet. Perhaps it was his complicity, for the most part, as he only attempted to escape about 20% of the time. Perhaps it was because he was the only one that hadn’t given her the cat-patented “triple slap” when she attempted it. We don’t know; we will most likely, barring some amazing female-dog-humping-motivation translation device, never know. What we do know, is that for about a week, Lola seeing Mommy and Daddy going at it on the couch led to this-


Yes, husband is providing the lovely porn music soundtrack in the background. Such a peach, that one.

Is this our fault? We really do feel terrible about it. Watching the poor little pup hump away with no ability to reach the intended completion of the act was heartbreaking. A few times, she would be grinding away and look over at us with this look that read, “I don’t understand why I am doing this but I CANNOT stop.” And truly, even though we were constantly doubled over with hysterical laughter, the heartstrings were tugged for her. Luckily, things have mellowed out in our house (save for the other day when we brought the kittens home from their spay/neuter appointments and the lack of Trout’s junk sent her on a quickly-shut-down hump attack), but should we ever need a hearty guffaw, we will always have this video to look back on. And, should we ever decide to hump on the couch again, we will lock them in the bathroom. Or stick to missionary. The dog does love to copy her Daddy…

8 replies on “I Think We Broke the Dog”

Based on reasons out of our control, my boyfriend and I were not able to get out kitten fixed until after she was six months old and she went through her first heat cycle. It was awful. She was so uncomfortable and kept “propositioning” us which was horrifying. We got her fixed about three weeks ago and we are so relieved not to have to go through that again. Horny pets are sad, sad creatures.

I have my dog trained for this exact scenario. Now, whenever I take my clothes off – for sexytimes or just when I’m changing in the morning – she gives me a disgusted look and army-crawls under the bed until I’m fully clothed again. (Yes, I’m being openly judged by a creature that eats used q-tips.)

My boyfriend’s dog is a champion humper. My dog tolerates about 20 minutes of hardcore doggy action before hiding under the coffee table. That dog has humped pit bulls that weighed 8 times as much as him. He is brazen in his love for humping. And yes, he’s fixed. I read in a dog magazine that humping is like masturbation: sure, it doesn’t get you anywhere, but it feels good.

Ahaha- I’ve definitely felt a cold greyhound nose on my leg way back when the boy was living with family… She was so good at pretending to be asleep till things really got going, and then would spontaneously feel an intense need to be outside. Right now!! Aahhhh!! Why won’t you get out of bed?!?
Gah, the memories.

The first time we did our thing with KittenBlue in the house, he… tried to participate, hopping up on the couch and pawing us in various places. It was horrifying.
Since then we just lock him out of the bedroom. It used to drive him into a frenzy. Now, though, he has started to come and sit quietly on the other side of the door. We know this because when we’re done, there’s a brief silence, and then the saddest little Meow you’ll ever hear.

Our cat doesn’t seem to care, unless the bed/furniture item in question jiggles too much and then he gets mad, jumps down and glares at us until we stop and give him attention again. Sometimes he likes to come sit right next to my head and purr very loudly. This can be distracting.

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