A week ago, the internet was all aflutter when this “How To Survive as a SAHG” piece was posted on Brokelyn. As a stay-at-home girlfriend myself (read: unemployed and my boyfriend totally didn’t sign on for this when we moved in together) it was relevant to my interests. I sent the link to my boyfriend asking if I lived up to the guidelines. “Sure,” he replied, “sometimes you do some of those things … I guess.” He was obviously trying to avoid a fight. “Well whatever,” I said. “Those guidelines are stupid anyway. ‘Be ready to have sex whenever he wants, even if I don’t really want to?’ What are we, Quiverfulls?” So I made my own guidelines which are both more realistic and less similar to my grandmother’s style of housewifery.
1. Get up when your boyfriend gets up to go to work. I don’t always do this. I DO always tell him I love him and to have a good day when he leaves. I mean, how lazy am I that I would just sleep through his goodbye kiss? Sometimes I even open my eyes. Because it’s all about showing your man you care.
2. Go back to sleep after he leaves. I do always do this.
3. Wake back up at noon. Yup. Sometimes it’s 11, if I’m feeling motivated.
4. Look at jobs online. See that there are none. Get depressed. This is actually only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday – my Job Applying Days. I’m not going to ruin perfectly good Tuesdays and Thursdays with a futile exercise.
5. Play video games, watch Buffy, look at tumblr and P-Mag. This can be done in any combination.
6. Sleep and comfort eat as necessary. What else are you supposed to do, really?
7. Wait for boyfriend to IM you to say he’s on his way home. It’s very important to be on the computer around 5 so you know how much time you have for step 8.
8. Make bed, put dishes in dishwasher, sweep floors, shower, put on real clothes. By “real clothes” I mean sweatpants. I’m not talking about a three-piece suit here. You can brush your hair if you feel like it. But … eh.
9. Tell boyfriend when he gets home that you should probably just order in for dinner. Sure you had time to go to the grocery store. But it’s 23 degrees out and you have to walk five blocks to get there! Just because I’m a SAHG doesn’t mean I don’t have standards!
10. Fall asleep watching X-Files. Also: Quantum Leap.