Hey, everyone! It’s just a one-question day here at Ask Luci, but I think it’s one we’ve all dealt with at some point or another, so let me know what you think!
What do you do when the person you love says your type isn’t for them? Even though they don’t want to “drop you” because then they will be alone.
Someone saying that you’re not their “type” is usually just their way of saying that for whatever reason they don’t want to be in a relationship with you (or maybe anyone). Because what is a type, anyway? Maybe it’s something physical, like they prefer people with brown hair, or a certain body type, or height. Or a personality preference as in, “I usually don’t go for girly-girls.” Or a fundamental belief issue, like morals, politics, or religion. But for any of the above, I think the “type” cop-out is bullshit. How many times have you heard someone say that they started dating someone that normally wouldn’t be their type because he’s really into sports or she has blonde hair, but it works. Or alternately, when someone seems to be completely your type (the Good On Paper type) but it turns out that you just don’t click for whatever reason. If you really click with someone, what you may have thought of as your type before ceases to matter. On some of the more serious issues, like core beliefs, you either think you can work them out or you can’t. Although something tells me that in your circumstance, the issue is not that you’re a Democrat and the person you love is a Republican. The point to all this being, it sounds like saying that you’re not someone’s type is really just a cop-out. Kind of like a precursor to the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.
And as far as this person staying in a relationship with you just because they don’t want to be alone… I mean, if you feel the same way and you would rather be in a relationship with someone who is coming up with reasons not to fully commit to you instead of being alone, then go for it. But, you might consider what YOUR motivations are for staying with this person. Sooner or later, this person will find someone else who is their “type” (whatever that entails), and since they won’t have the fear of being alone, they’ll drop you anyway. And there is nothing lonelier than being alone when you’re in a relationship. Good luck!
6 replies on “Ask Luci – 4/14”
You know Alice Deejay!
Hm, that might not be the wanted reaction. It hurts like hell when someone decides that they can’t bring their end of the ‘bargain of love’/relationship anymore. Never experienced it as not being an easy way out of the relationship. Breaking up for wussies.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that types always/usually end up not mattering. Lots of us have principles and values that are incredibly important to us. It’s completely possible that the girl really isn’t the guy’s type.
I have found that for the most part, when someone has serious philosophical or moral differences with someone, they tend to lay it out on the table in words that are different from “not my type.” Like, in conversation, I wouldn’t state my objection to dating a dyed in the wool Ayn Rand fan as them being “not my type” but as being “completely not right for me.”
In my mind – and maybe it’s just the way I use the phrase – “not my type” connotes something more superficial, like height or weight or favorite sports team or whatever.
Of course that’s a possibility. I just question the way Luci assumed that the guy was lying. Maybe he really was looking for a different kind of girl.
I mean, I don’t know if I would say he was lying. I just think that when someone has a type based on something superficial, it’s usually something that you could probably get past if you connected enough with the person. And if it’s something more serious and fundamental, then there’s no point in sticking around if you don’t think you’re ever going to work beyond it.
Mmm. Yeah, I think many of us have definitely stayed with someone who we all openly knew was incompatible with us, just to avoid being single again. And I am willing to bet most of us regretted it.