Ask Luci – 4/21

Welcome back to Ask Luci, the internet’s most popular advice column! (Not intended to be a factual statement.)  Today we’re talking about Judgey McJudgersons and when it’s time to take off your judgey pants.

Help! I can’t seem to shake this weird feeling I have towards a friend of mine.  The back story is she became pregnant a few months ago from a guy she had only been dating for 1 month and has decided to keep the baby. Now I should be happy for her since she is, but I can’t help but feel that she’s making a mistake. I say that because just a few weeks prior to finding out she was pregnant she was making plans to come live in my city and even wanted to room together! She always talks about how she hates her hometown so when I found out she was pregnant I couldn’t help but wonder why she’d keep the baby since that would mean she’s basically stuck where she lives now. I’m a new mother so I know it’s not easy raising a baby and I feel like she doesn’t understand how hard things are going to get. Anyways should I just get over it or let her know how I feel?

Short answer: Mind ya damn business.  Just as it’s not OK to tell someone to keep a baby just because you personally don’t agree with abortion (or adoption), it’s also not OK to encourage someone to terminate a pregnancy or give up a baby just because we don’t think they’re making a good choice in keeping a baby.  She may very well be making a mistake, keeping a baby she’s not prepared for, trapping herself in a city she doesn’t want to live in with a guy who may  not stick around – but that’s her mistake to make.

I am totally fine with you wearing your judgey pants in this situation.  Judge all you want!  But keep it to yourself.  If you want to try to be a good friend, let her know that you’re available to lend a sympathetic ear at any time, and don’t offer unsolicited advice.  And if she decides she wants to move to your city with a new baby, offer to lend a hand in finding her an apartment.


That’s all for today’s Ask Luci.  Don’t let Ask Luci die! Send your questions to lucifurious at and I’ll keep your identity secret, or you can submit anonymously at my Ask Luci tumblr.  See you next week…hopefully.

2 replies on “Ask Luci – 4/21”

I like Luci’s advice on this one. Making judgements is just part of human nature; it frames our opinions and provides a basis for our beliefs. As Luci said, the key is knowing when to share those judgements and when to keep them to yourself. I had a similar reaction when my friend decided to have a baby. It’s a huge topic for me in society and my own life, but it can ruin a friendship. I really thought about my feelings and realized that my judgement had two parts– I was worried about how it would change our friendship and lifestyle, and I was bothered by her decision to give up her career during a crucial promotion phase. I couldn’t do anything about the second one; it’s something that I still don’t understand and maybe never will. So I tried to concentrate on the first one and figure out ways to still appreciate the parts of her I love, and still spend time together even though she was an overwhelmed new mother. Two years later, I still can’t fully understand her decision, but I know she’s a good mom and still a good friend.

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