Foods With Which You Can’t Be Trusted

Yes I know, this is usually where my recap of Community goes. But those jerks are on some mini-hiatus and last night was a rerun again. So instead you get to read my random musings on food.

So I was at the grocery store the other day to pick up a few things with high nutritional value. You know, fruit, vegetables, meat, that kind of thing. But then there was one of those displays on the end of the aisle with every kind of tortilla chip imaginable, and I went “Oh, look! Whole grain Tostitos!” They were brown and whole-grainy looking and even the bag had a soothing brown color palette that screamed “Healthy!”

See, I like to think I’m one of those people who doesn’t fall for the whole healthy junk-food thing. You know, where you buy a bag of Baked! Cheetos and eat a lion’s share because they’re Baked! (Also, I believe ““ at least philosophically ““ that if you want a cookie, you should just have the freaking cookie instead of having a Splenda low-fat cookie that’s immensely less satisfying.) But I definitely fall for it. And I bought those chips, and some salsa to go with them, and proceeded to eat about half of a 10-serving bag.

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with whole grain Tostitos. It’s just that tortilla chips have little nutritional value in the first place. (I checked the label and the only substantial nutrition they provide is a decent amount of fiber. So, yay?) Also, their flavor isn’t even meant to be that strong or enticing; they exist solely as a vessel for more delicious things such as salsa, guacamole, or queso. But I actually really like tortilla chips on their own ““ even better if they’re the “hint of lime” kind ““ and I tend to continue crunching on them long after the attendant dip is gone.

And so it is that I’ve decided whole grain corn chips have been raised to the culinary equivalent of Threat Level Orange in my house. The snacky blacklist (snacklist?) is comprised mostly of crunchy, salty munchies that seem to be my kryptonite. It includes Triscuits, Wheat Thins, and Pringles, among others. I’m not saying I never buy or eat them; I just don’t keep them around very often because it’s impossible to just “keep them around.” Between me and Mr. McDoogs, we’ll devour all of them within hours of bringing them home. We’re like living proof of the saying, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” We eat the proverbial cake immediately, and then it’s gone. And we just want more cake.

Part of the issue is that I have no impulse control anywhere in my life (hellooooo drinking problem!) and it manifests itself in my eating habits as well. Throw in the idea that a given food isn’t as bad for me as it could be, and I’m pretty much toast. But what about the rest of you? Do you find yourself being repeatedly fooled by healthy junk food even though you know better? Or do you have a snacky blacklist?

Photo: Getty

16 replies on “Foods With Which You Can’t Be Trusted”

This is the case with me and lots of yummy things, but most specifically, chocolate covered craisins, Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato tortilla chips (seriously, they are THAT delicious – I can eat a whole bag), and just like you, Wheat Thins. If I have guacamole or cream cheese or hummus to go with the above mentioned chips/wheat thins, it’s really over. Also, marinated olives/mozzarella/mushrooms from olive bars. I’ll eat a whole container in one sitting.

I used to be really, really addicted to Doritos, any flavor…if they were even in the house I’d eat half a bag in ten minutes. I have weaned myself off of junk food containing MSG so I almost never have them now, I refuse to buy them. I did have the new pizza flavor recently at a friend’s house and I was like, oh my cheesus, these are DELICIOUS. But so far my willpower is holding strong and I will not be buying those MSG filled nasties…even if they are tasty.

I will only buy jelly beans if it’s in a small individual pack. I will eat them until they are gone, and then I will feel very, very sick. They’re just sooooo good!

Popcorn is the same way, but only after it’s cooked, so it’s not that bad. I can keep the materials around the house to cook it without a problem.

My list is similar to yours – wheat things, pita chips, baguettes … and cheese.

Also, and this is ridiculous, but freaking CVS sells these lemon creme sandwich cookies that I will eat an entire box of if they are in the house. Same with girl scout cookies, or any lemon-flavored sweet.

So salty things, cheesy things, and lemony things.

Aldi’s version of cheddar chex mix.
Cheddar whole wheat Pringles or sour cream&onion Pringles.
Pints of ice cream.
Cake, especially if it has icing.
Chocolate in any form, but particularly candy. Hershey kisses, Lindt truffles, a gigantic bar of dark chocolate that I ostensibly buy to have one small square each day.

Pringles! Even though I prefer the taste of the sour cream and onion, it’s harder to stop eating the “regular” ones because they lack the flavor-powder that eventually overwhelms my taste buds. Instead, they have just the right amount of salt that fails to remind me that I’m eating chips. And there’s something extremely addicting about the act of placing the entire thing in my mouth and crunching down. I just compulsively do it over and over again.

I also blame the package– with a bag, you can feel it getting empty while you eat, but for some reason I’m always shocked when I finally look down into the can and can see the bottom.

We have fallen prey to the whole wheat Tostitos in our house as well. I love chips with all my heart. Also, Trader Joe’s has these amazing frozen chocolate banana bites, and they are so damn delicious I can eat a whole box. They are bite size, they can’t be that bad, right? WRONG. Each serving, of which a box has 7 or 8, is 38% of your daily saturated fat. And I wonder why non of my clothes fit.

I don’t have Cheetos often, but I love them (the crunchy kind, not the puffy kind). I can resist them in the cupboard for a long time, but once the bag is opened, forget about it. That’s why I’ll only buy the snack size, and I’ll only get it when I NEED IT RIGHT NOW instead of just picking it up while I’m out.

Mine is freshly baked cookies and store-bought birthday cake. If I make cookies, I have to make sure I have somewhere to take them, someone else to give them too, something. Otherwise, I’ll eat them all in a matter of days. Store bought birthday cake is the exact same for me. For some reason I can’t seem to shake my love of store bought birthday cake. Growing up, all birthday cake was gone within four days of being brought in the house (my dad is the same way with store bought birthday cake, so it was gone fast), but my mom’s homemade, even tastier cakes could last a week or more. Go figure. I still keep store bought birthday cake out of my house, and only buy the smallest size available to keep the amount down.

Mmm now I’m craving some nice, yummy homemade baked goods. :)

Oh lord, as much as I like those Cadbury mini-eggs I cannot buy them. I can go through a ten oz. bag in about three hours, feel sick, and when I finish them I want more. The crunchy candy shell is what gets me, I think. A few years ago I had to quit when I noticed that my teeth were starting to hurt from chomping on them for a few days straight.

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