Categories
Uncategorized

Oprah Make-overs: Getting Your Cat’s Claws in the Hottest Feline Trends

You’re a fashion-forward maven in a work-a-day world: you’ve got it all and the mile-high stilettos to boot. Between jetting between your fabulous home and your glitzy job, taking care of yourself, and eating Cheetos by the bagful gourmet food, you’ve got it all covered. Or do you? Tell me: how fashionable is your cat?

We here at Oprah understand that in order to have the perfect life, you need to have the perfect wardrobe, the perfect house, the perfect man (yeah, we made him over, what of it?), and yes, the perfect cat. Anything else would simply not be O-mazing. Well, we chose five lucky ladies (and their fortunate felines) and gave them the upgrade their lives sorely needed.

Our first feline hangs out with Federov (who owns who is a question I don’t want to get into with cats). Here he is now:

Before.

Look at this little beastie. The regal pose, clear eyes, and beautiful fur suggests that this cat knows a thing or two about looking fierce. However, as with everything, there is room for improvement, self-betterment, perfection. At O, we push you to be the best that you CAN be. Why ask for anything less with your cats?

We worked our magic and “¦ BAM!

 

After! Can you say "meow," I mean, "wow!"

Here’s that lovely cat AFTER we got OUR claws in him! The fastest, easiest, least-likely-to-get-you-maimed-by-20-angry-claws way to get a cat looking fancy is through accessorizing. Since spring is upon us once again (hallelujah!), it’s time to bust out the pastels and the faboo church hats.

Our second cat came to us via Persephone poster Katharsis. His name is Rutherford. How presidential!

Before.

Look at that guy. He’s ready to pounce and wreak terrible havoc on your pants/curtains/arms/chairs/upholstery/you name it. Declawing is obviously a cruel and inhumane process (not to mention costly and in this economy, the bottom line matters, am I right?!), and those weird plastic nubbins you can shove over the nail seem like far too much trouble. So what’s a fashionable cat owner to do?

 

After.

To quote Tracy Jordan, now that’s fresh! A pair or two of shiny, clean, scuff-less Nike Dunks is the perfect solution to your cat claw problem. I prefer the red, black, and white color scheme, but that might be due to some intense indoctrination into high school school spirit (go dawgs!), but there are any number to choose from. Mix and match or pick a new pair for each day of the week!

Rachel comes to us with double the trouble: Claude and Hannah.

 

Before.

Look at the two cuddle-bugs. While obviously adorable, they are also obviously lazy. While cats are wonderful companions – clean, quiet, not sticky – they can also present a decor problem. After all, when they sleep 20-some hours a day, they might as well be accent pieces for a kicky living room. I mean, if you’re going to spend all day lying around, it’s probably best to look cool doing it or get paid for it. Since I don’t know anyone in the business of paying cats to just sloth it up, it’s time to ratchet up the cool-factor for this toothsome twosome.

 

After.

Check it out. Hannah is looking cool in her Louis Vuitton shades, while Claude is looking beautiful in a skirt and tiara. Here we take the risk of actually clothing a cat, but given that Claude likes skirts and sequins, he was more than willing to succumb to our fashionable ministrations. When it comes to cats, the best way to dress them up and avoid death is to listen to what they want. It’d be great to extend this to humans, but who are we? A magazine with actual power to promote and sustain a significant cultural shift?! Psh!

Our fourth and second-to-last cat comes from Makeshiftspaceship. Everyone, meet Lionel:

 

This cuddly ball of fur looks meek, but at heart, he’s a monster who loves to knock things down from tall places and be utterly inappropriate. There’s no easy way to prevent that bad behavior while being fashion-conscious, but by setting up a system in which Lionel feels handsome and works to preserve his outfit and handsomeness, he may be convinced not to be such a cat. Also, if you pick, like, a totally cute outfit, then, like, it’d be double cute!

 

After.

Check out his seersucker jacket! Perfect for the warm weather and just cute enough to deter any attempts at knocking things over or rolling in dirt or stealing the lettuce from your salad bowl (is the last one just my weirdo cat?). There’s no better way to be a man cat around town than to throw on a jacket. With this ensemble, your cat will be as purrfect as the rest of your life.

And finally, commenter Pea-shelle requested our make-over services. Look at this sassy face:

 

Before.

Sometimes, when you have a cat this sassy, there’s only one thing to be done:

 

After.

That’s right. You add a mustache. It’s hip and hipster and will add an aura of nobility and honor to even the most ridiculous cats. You can sleep well at night knowing that your cat is commanding the respect he or she deserves.

So there you have it! Easy ways to get your cats looking sharp and acting like gentlemen/women. We are here for you, here to make your life perfect. And if you slip up, even just once, just know that we are judging you.

 

Sassy scarf, right?

4 replies on “Oprah Make-overs: Getting Your Cat’s Claws in the Hottest Feline Trends”

Leave a Reply