Categories
Uncategorized

PERSEPHONE EXCLUSIVE: Oprah’s Political Picks for 2016 and Beyond

As we all know, Oprah was single-handedly responsible for choosing our nation’s leader: Barack Obama. Between healthcare reform, overturning DADT, appointing the first-ever Chief Technology Officer, and establishing the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, I think we can all agree that the POTUS has done a bang-up job so far.

Since the Big O is 1 for 1 on prez picks, I interviewed Oprah (ok, one of her assistants, whatever, she’s a busy woman) about who she’s considering for upcoming elections.

STFU: What are Oprah’s thoughts about 2012? Does Oprah still support Obama, or would she side with Hillary if she ran?

Not Oprah: Ms. Winfrey is 100% behind our nation’s president. Though she would be thrilled to see a woman in office, she supports Obama having a glorious second term.

STFU: So who is she looking at right now for the 2016 elections?

NO: Oprah has already begun doing serious research into her next presidential selection. Right now, she has short-listed a number of candidates for the 2016 election cycle.

STFU: Is there anyone she’s already taken off the list? Why?

NO: Well, she was considering Rahm Emanuel. She got a Black man in the White House, so it’s not outside the realm of possibility that we could get a Jewish president too. And Oprah is very pro-Chicago politicians. But since he’s running Chicago now, he probably won’t be interested in 5 years. She’s tabling him for the 2020 or 2024 elections.

STFU: So who’s still in the running?

NO: Obviously, Oprah would like to see a woman in the White House. Oprah said she let it slide this time that there was no woman on the ticket, but for 2016, she’s planning on changing that. She’s been in contact with Gabrielle Giffords. Her startling recovery from a senseless act of brutality would make a compelling episode of Oprah. Since the show is ending this year, Ms. Winfrey will settle for seeing Giffords in the White House. Another option is Carol Mosely Braun, who was an Illinois senator, and is a Democrat and a Black woman. She also has her own line of organic foods. Oprah loves her flaxseed muffins.

STFU: What about Hillary?

NO: (Editor’s note: there was quite  bit of hemming and hawing before she answered this question) It’s not outside the realm of possibility, but… American voters can only handle so many strong women. Oprah would support Hillary if she ran.

STFU: Who are some of her VP picks for the post-Obama election?

NO: Eddie Bernice Johnson and Kay Hagan are both doing great things right now. A ticket with two women would, in Oprah’s opinion, really make America stop looking like  a backward woman-hating wasteland of a first-world country. Also, it would really stick it to the Republicans, who are still smug about having Palin run in 2008. Fuck that noise. I’m sorry, can we redact that?

STFU: No. Moving on: beyond Rahm Emanuel, who is Oprah looking to for the distant future of the Democratic party?

NO: Well, Oprah is keeping her eye on a number of young people whom she feels would be suited to a political career. Michael Jackson’s children are half-black, loaded, and have on-camera experience, so they’ve got a competitive edge. Sasha and Malia Obama are obvious choices. She also has high hopes for Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby.

STFU: Oprah is considering future candidates who haven’t been born?

NO: Choosing your nation’s next President is a hefty responsibility. Oprah is keeping all of her options open.

STFU: Would Oprah ever consider getting involved in politics?

NO: Um, she chose our president. I would say she’s already involved, wouldn’t you? More importantly, Oprah fears the amount of time needed for a political campaign would interfere with her ability to run a media empire, make Book Club selections, and spend time with her dogs and Gayle. Also, her accountant refuses to give her permission to buy every person in America a car.

By STFUConservatives

Jess, the mastermind behind STFU Conservatives, is a bike-riding hippie liberal who lives in West Hollywood. Her favorite political issues are abortion, marijuana, health care, and class issues. Her favorite apolitical topics of conversation include small dogs, Diet Coke, and extensive TV viewing.

Leave a Reply