I have a few quirks when it comes to how I deal with germy things. I refuse to keep my toothbrush in the bathroom because I’m convinced that microscopic bits of poop will get on it from people flushing. I get checked for STDs way more often than necessary. I’m suspicious of water that smells funny, even if it came out of a filtered tap.
This brings me to a new hygiene paranoia I recently developed that I simply must share. Like that moldy thing you find in the back of the fridge that smells so putrid that you force your roommate to smell it too, I feel like I must share this story.
Today I went to the ladies’ underthings store with the pink striped bags. I had a $10 off coupon, so I snatched up three of the 3 for $30 underpants I love so much, the ones that make the bottom half of your ass hang out and have lace around the edges. They do nice things to my butt.
I was at the register getting my wallet out as the sales girl folded the goodies into crepe paper when she suddenly looked startled and revolted. Trying to keep a facade of calm, she asked me, “Did you try any of these on?”
“No,” I responded, confused.
She asked me if I could grab another one of the same pair. Finally the lightbulb in my head went off, and I got what she was so delicately not saying. Someone had left a slug trail of vagina juice in the underpants.
I’ve always been taught that it was against store rules to try on any underwear or bathing suit bottom without wearing something between you and the not-yet-purchased item. Like the nerd I am, I’ve always followed that rule. Now I realize that plenty of people don’t.
As the sales girl handed me my bag, she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Always wash underwear before you wear it. ALWAYS.”
I was horrified. Clearly this expert in the underwear and dressing room world knew that visible slug trails weren’t the only nasty thing that could be lurking on my undies. I pictured roaches or bedbugs crawling across my fancy new underthings as they sat in a warehouse or the back of the store. Maybe a less-juicy stranger tried on these pairs without anything between her and what are now my undies. What if someone rubbed a microscopic bit of poop onto them that was breeding some horrible bacteria? What other invisible germs could be lurking in there, just waiting to leap onto my lady bits?
The point of this story is that now I will add “washing new underwear and bathing suits before wearing” to my list of crazy germ quirks. Now, because I felt the need to share my gross story, I bet some of you will, too.