We’ve wrangled a fella to answer this week’s installment of 7 Questions, and he totally lives up to witty. Come get to know this mysterious gentleman behind the click.
1. You’re tasked with creating a new ice cream flavor, what is it and why?
Vanilla tobacco chip – vanilla ice cream with flaked tobacco and a light garnish of the powder made from grinding up Teddy Roosevelt’s leatherbound personal journals. A little known fact about this well-kept recipe, it was the ice cream Hemingway demanded every morning, accompanied by a cigar, from the cafe near his house in Havana. “Manly” doesn’t even begin to describe it. It would also have sprinkles. Because manly doesn’t describe me at all.
2. You’re chosen to remake any movie originally made between 1975-1990. What movie do you remake and how do you cast it?
I remake Labyrinth. This movie always disturbed me in a fundamental sort of way. I don’t know if it was Bowie’s makeup, Henson’s freak puppets, or my eating too much sugar as a child. In any case, I’d remake it in a way more pleasing to the 10-year-old in my brain, grafitti-ing history with something much more upbeat. Reggie Watts would play the Goblin King, Bowie would play Sarah, and all of the puppets would be played by old Scottish women.
3. What terrible song gets stuck in your head?
The circus theme song. Somehow apropos to the life of a human, I think. Jovial and dark, with a sprinkle of shame.
4. Tell us about a woman who has been influential in your life.
A wiser fellow than myself once said that in the secular age where there is no god, all love we feel is our misappropriation of the love we feel for god. By extension, we men seek salvation through women, looking for our own personal Jesus. My fiancÃ©e, the missus, is that presence in my life. Most of my childhood and young adulthood was a selfish endeavor – first as a child constantly looking for attention and approval, and as a teenager graduating to an eating disorder and other self-involved hobbies. But in the year I’ve been with Missus, I’ve done as much growing as I did in the whole of my angst-y, insecure teenage life. And have started to learn to turn that addictive, fixated compulsive energy I have outward into productive things like family and making up songs about the folklore of our small, insane beagle. Salvation is a strange beast.
5. What’s your favorite joke?
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “It’s probably not a good idea you’re in here. You’re a very large animal. Any sudden movements and you may injure somebody. I don’t know why you’re here. None of the glasses are ergonomically designed for you to drink from them. You should probably leave.” – Reggie Watts
6. A band is now following you around performing your personal soundtrack wherever you go, who are they, and what are they playing?
Morrisey, singing “Shoplifters of the World Unite,” and doing this.
7. What is on your desk right now?
A gun made from remanded Legos that fires asprin just far enough to puncture coworkers’ productivity, two beanie baby owls hastily stuffed into a pint glass, and a corkscrew. All of which I think could have adorned Churchill’s desk at some point.