Ask Luci – 5/19

It’s a big day here at Ask Luci; I have TWO questions to answer!  As is often the case, these are both about relationships and friendships.  But, no woman is an island and we are social creatures, so becoming hermits isn’t a solution to any of these problems.  So let’s see what’s going on with our dilemmas today!I put myself in a pickle. I started dating a guy and it was going really well. We were having a lot of fun and seemed to have a very nice, light, enjoyable beginning to a relationship. But, two months in, he started to go through a bit of an episode. I suddenly discovered that he has anxiety, OCD and jealousy issues. And it’s not that I’m not willing to support someone through that, but we’re two months in, and a lot of his issues were suddenly directed at me. We ended up having a big fight and now he’s apologizing profusely and swearing it will never happen again. My issue is that I kind of think the relationship is damaged beyond repair (again, only two months in leaves a limited foundation to stand on) and I think breaking up is the best option. However, I know he’s still coping with his mental health and his talk about how I’m one of the best and most stable things in his life is guilting me. I’ve told him that saying those things is unfair to me, but he continues. I don‘t want to hurt someone who is already hurting, but the breakup is needed. Should I wait a bit or rip it like a band-aid?

Oh rip that shit off.  But it’s really going to end up being like one of those band-aids that leaves the sticky stuff on your skin that gets all black and collects lint and stuff.  Probably kind of gross no matter what you do.  If it were a real band-aid I would suggest you do it in the shower, but that doesn’t really work in this case.   Guys like that, who are insecure and jealous and who seem to be a little (or a lot) dependent, tend to not take the initial break-up as an answer.  Those are the ones who plead for you to change your mind, then call you a bitch, then apologize and try to get back together.  I know this is a massive generalization based on a paragraph that you have sent me. But my guess is that he already sees the writing on the wall that you might be moving away and is doing a preemptive guilt trip.  Be prepared for more of that.  So when you do the Breakup Talk, you have to be really clear that you no longer want to be in a relationship.  You don’t have to be mean, but you also have to make sure that you aren’t ambiguous in the name of not trying to hurt him.  Ultimately you can’t be responsible for someone’s mental health or how they cope without you.  So it’s best to just say it’s not going to go anywhere and end it as cleanly as possible.  Good luck!

I am 22 and I have an older sister who is about to turn 30. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since we were about 16 (with time off in the middle when we went to separate colleges and felt the need to be unattached). My boyfriend and I have been discussing cohabitation and eventually marriage after we both graduate from our respective colleges, which won’t be until we are approximately 25. However, my sister once told me that she would be angry if I became engaged before her. This is (most likely) going to happen because she has not had a serious relationship in a while (she was dating a cheating asshole and still announces that she is in love with him and waiting for him to get his act together). It has gotten to the point where my mom (I live with her) and I downplay the seriousness of my relationship. My boyfriend and I went on vacation a few months ago and we all lied to my sister and told her I was going with platonic friends. I sort of understand why my sister feels that she should enter marriage before I do, but it is unfair of her to expect me to put my life on hold while I wait for her to get over that cheating asshole and find a respectful, worthy companion. I don’t want to cause any sort of kerfuffle in our sisterhood. I love her and I don’t want her to be resentful of me. But I also don’t want to be resentful of her. Is there any other option that I’m overlooking?

Speaking as the older sister who watched her younger sister get married before her, and feels a little bummed out that it feels like younger sister is generally two years ahead… eh, you still can’t put your life on hold.  As much as I feel sorry for myself or left behind, I would feel worse if I thought my sister was postponing major life decisions because of my own selfish ~feelings~.  Obviously I don’t know if your sister is as reasonable as I am (ha!), but hopefully she would be able to feel happy and not resentful, even if at the same time she feels a little self-indulgently mopey.  That said, it looks like you probably even won’t even be heading down that road for a couple more years.  Who knows what could happen! Your sister could get married in a shotgun wedding in Vegas by then!  So I wouldn’t stress too much about family drama in the future. Also, you might want to consider the benefit of letting her know about things like vacations you’re taking with your boyfriend, that way it gives her a chance to see that you’re really serious and progressing (which she probably already knows), in a more gradual way than springing an engagement on her in a year or two.  Good luck, you crazy kids!

That’s this week’s advice! Remember to submit your questions to lucifurious at persephonemagazine.com and I’ll keep your identity secret or you can submit anonymously on my Ask Luci tumblr.