We are pleased to present the first round of “Learn from our mistakes” submissions. If this post jogs any memories for you and you have anecdotes you’d like to share, our contact information is included. Please feel free to share your stories with us for a future post.
Sometimes inexpensive sex toys and accessories can work out all right, but this commenter can attest to the necessity of proper/strong bondage gear:
You should get proper cuffs if you want to be tied up. I bought some cute, fake fur, straight out of the “funny gifts” store cuffs and broke the chain between the cuffs in a moment of excitement, which kinda killed it.
A trend developed in the rest of the submissions, as they all fall under what is colloquially known as the Don’t Stick That In There umbrella. (Also, don’t stick umbrellas in there.)
It seems obvious in retrospect, but as a teenager I learned not to go [immediately] back to vaginal sex after anal! Nosirree. UTIs are no one’s friend.
So… we all wonder what happens if you don’t take out a tampon, right?
One night, the last night of my period, so I still had a tampon in, I got drunk. So did my husband. The next morning, I woke up and remembered having sex but did not remember taking out the tampon. I assumed I had, because really, how can you have sex if there’s a tampon there? And wouldn’t my husband have noticed?
Well, the next month was full of UTIs and a very, very, very strong smell from down there. I mean, it was STRONG. I was showering twice, if not three times a day trying to get rid of it. I avoided the staff cafeteria like the plague for fear that they would know the smell came from me.
Anyway, I was very worried, but never thought that it was related to the drunken sex. (Although I assumed the UTI was because I was sure I hadn’t peed after sex). I was all ready to go to the doctor and explain (embarrassed, because I am a very private person) about the odor when one day I felt something really weird down there.
The only way I can describe it was that it felt like a piece of poop was stuck in my labia. It was the tampon, all scrunched up into a sphere shape.
The odor went away the next day.
The worst part about all of this is that I have wanted to share it with SOMEONE but I am too embarrassed to even tell my husband. I am glad for this opportunity.
Lesson learned? If you have drunken sex while there is a tampon inside you, it will not come out for a month and your vagina will smell a lot. But you will not die.
– 27-year-old married woman
Anecdote: Yeah, so here’s something that you don’t really think of when you’re a youngish teen still figuring out the whole sex thing with your (now-upon-reflection-total-loser) teenage boyfriend.
If the two of you go out for dinner one night and decide on chicken wings AND said boyfriend enjoys spicy hot suicide death wings, AND THEN you two go back to his (mom’s) house for some sexytime… he needs to wash his hands. With lots of soap. And maybe bleach.
Also, if this situation repeats itself but the girl is smart enough (HA!) to remember to ensure her boyfriend washes his hands like he’s scrubbing in for surgery, she’s gonna feel just as dumb and be in just as much pain if her boyfriend hasn’t adequately scrubbed his mouth area. Eeeowza.
If your partner likes to use a little baby powder to avoid chafing during the summer months, I would suggest you remind him to wash it off before sex, especially if you have a weird skin allergy to talc. Your vagina WILL try to swell shut during sex, and it’s not fun for anyone. Likewise, if you have a mild reaction to something like citrus oil on other parts of your body, on your genitals that mild reaction will turn into “Dear God, what the hell is going on down there?!” itchiness that lasts for a few days.
I tried to talk to my husband about mistakes others could learn from, but the conversation rapidly devolved into a list of “Things Not To Put On Your Genitals.” In addition to my two, he said: Ben-Gay, Icy-Hot, Bio-Freeze, Tiger Balm, or any other type of muscle rub. If, for instance, you have a bad knee, it is very important to wear gloves or wash up really really well before putting your hands anywhere near private parts. Also, according to one of our friends, Palmolive does not make an acceptable substitute for anal lube.
Other than that, I’d just say make sure you have solid footing and don’t keep antique lamps near your bed.
Valuable advice, indeed!
Got a question you’d like us to discuss, myth you’d like us to bust, or general topic you’d like us to talk about? You can email us at FriskyFeminist@persephonemagazine.com, and we’ve also set up a Tumblr for the sole purpose of receiving completely anonymous questions at paperispatientsexqanda.tumblr.com.
**Tattoo designed by Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content ““ http://qcjeph.livejournal.com/89918.html
5 replies on “Learn From Our Mistakes: What Not to Put/Leave In Your Vagina”
To the 27-year-old woman who told the original tampon – I totally understand what you mean about wanting to share a gross story with SOMEONE. That happens to me all the time.
I had an issue with the “lost tampon” but thankfully, I remembered where it was the next morning and headed over to the Student Health Center to have it ‘taken care of.’
In the event that you need to see someone to remove the thing because you could not fish it out yourself in your bathroom the morning before, be prepared to answer interesting questions.
The nurse asked me all about my drinking habits, my sexual activity, my relationships, my mental health and various other things while working on the situation. Lady, I just forgot it was in there. That is ALL.
Though, frankly, before the questions started – she gave me the WORST “Slut” look I have ever been given. Yeah, I clearly had sex the night before but the look is not necessary. Go judge in another corner. Not mine.
The night was fun though. Can’t deny that.
That tampon thing happened to one of my friends once. She had hooked up with a random guy and the next morning when she didn’t feel the tampon inside of her, she was really embarrassed and assumed he had found it in his bed later, and so we avoided the street he lived on for like three weeks. Until, sure enough, gross smell, weirdness, and she found the tampon stuck way up there, almost a month later. Gross times all around.
I never realized that forgotten tampons were so common! The only tampon-related anecdote I can think of is when a friend of mine forgot she had one in and inserted another. She said that she felt uncomfortable but didn’t realize what had happened until she got in the shower, saw two strings, and started screaming for her sister to come help her.
embarrasing as it is to say, that’s actually happened to me twice! one time when i was at work, really busy and stressed out, rushed to the bathroom to stick in a fresh tampon and noticed that it seemed to have tough time getting up there (i just assumed vag was a bit dry/tight whatever). then got home and realised i had actually been able to force two tampons up inside of me. and the second time i was just drunk and forgot to take the first one out. when boyfriend and i got home, i went in to the bathroom and kind of drunkenly yelled out ‘NOT AGAIN.’ as you can imagine, boyfriend had a few questions that i wasn’t really willing to answer.