My Awesome Inventions

So I thought I’d share with you all some really great things I’ve just invented. When I say I’ve invented them, mind you, I mean that I’ve come up with the idea. This post is really a plea for a “details person” to team up with me and make my ideas a reality. To see if this is the right job for you, read on.

1. Human-to-pet translator. This translator will only go one way. Knowing what your pet is thinking is probably one of those things you only think you want to know. The inner workings of your pets’ minds are probably better left unexplored. However, it would be great for your pet to know exactly what you want to say to them. I would use this translator to tell my rabbits that neither I nor the spouse are going to murder them. Ever.

2. Self-cleaning bathroom. Look, I “get” cleaning, in the sense that I do it fairly regularly and have therefore experienced the aesthetic and psychological perks of having a clean place. And yet, cleaning the bathroom remains my Achilles’ heel. I hate doing it and will find any excuse to half-ass it. (Example: even though we’re having people over, no one’s staying the night. So they won’t be showering. So I don’t need to clean the shower!)

True, various bathroom cleaning companies have come up with a decent shower-spray device that does much of that work for you. But I’m not talking about just the shower; I’m talking about the whole bathroom, including that horrible no-man’s land under/behind the toilet. I want to push a button when I leave for work and come home to a clean bathroom. And I don’t want another human being to have to do it.

3. Pandora brain chip. I love Pandora (the music site) so much. It’s come tantalizingly close to fitting my every emotion and whim; I kind of know which of my stations to turn to at the right times and moods. But I want more. What I want is for the music to follow me everywhere and for some kind of brain chip to know what I’m thinking about or what frame of mind I’m in, and then play the appropriate music. This would not be unlike having a constant soundtrack to my life, but of course with the option to turn it off whenever I want.

4. Food mood ring. This is related to the above idea, in that it’s another device that would read my mood. But, this one’s about what food I’m craving. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s had the traumatic experience of being unable to pinpoint what I want to eat, and the harder I try, the further I get from my goal. I’m all: “Salty but not crunchy. Meaty but not chewy! Rainbow-colored and goopy!” This mood ring would tell me exactly what I want. Not just the genre, but the exact dish and the drink with which to wash it down.

5. Alcohol neutralizer. (I should get serious for one second and say that I’m not trying to make light of alcohol problems; I’m supportive of my friend Ruby Bruiseday as well as all Persephoneers who are working on their relationship with booze. Truth.) So yeah, I’ve gotten carried away drinking a time or two. Never with a destructive purpose in mind; usually I’m too busy talking, dancing, celebrating, and so on to notice how many drinks are going down. (It should be noted that I really like the taste of alcohol.) The alcohol neutralizer, rather than making me stop drinking, would let me keep sipping champagne to my heart’s content but would somehow render it harmless. It would kick on once my blood-alcohol level got to a certain point and make my body think that it was, I don’t know, vitamin water. Something good and hydrating. I’d be none the wiser, and I’d be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at brunch the next morning.

So, maybe you’re thinking that these are great ideas. That’s because they are. But if you’re also thinking that you know just the way to make them happen, then by all means let’s form a dream team. I have a generous benefits package, including a 401k. And you can bring your dog to work.

Image: Getty

9 replies on “My Awesome Inventions”

I want some kind of instant water-free shower system. Sure, sometimes a nice, hot, leisurely shower is just the thing, but sometimes – like when I oversleep and am late for work – I just want to be sterilized and disinfected so I can get out of the house!

(Example: even though we’re having people over, no one’s staying the night. So they won’t be showering. So I don’t need to clean the shower!)

That’s why God made cute cloth shower curtains (and $1 plastic liners to go with them that you don’t have to waste time cleaning). So you can pull the shower curtain closed and voila! clean bathroom.

Dude, I need to be on your team. I’ll have to get a dog first.

I dreamt up the Ipad (a cooler version that I won’t talk about until I see a patent lawyer) about three years before it hit the rumor mill/gizmodo-verse. There have been so many dreams about inventions, it’s pretty darn crazy.
I’ve gotten project ideas, room colors, decorating ideas all from sleeping REAL HARD. Like, sleep through tornadoes kinda sleeping.

But for now, I really just want a programmable thermostat that doesn’t just adjust for the time of day and temperature but also for localized rooms. I don’t want to heat my living room at 1am but I would like my bedroom to be cozy at 9m. I don’t want to have to go around and flip that stupid little sharp toggle thingy in every room I’m not in just to control the heat. Send air to zones. And I do NOT want motion detectors to do it. I can sit still for a good hour studying so that’s kinda pointless when I need a warm room to be comfortable. So, let’s work on that while we pet our dogs and I schedule my next hard sleep. :)

It’d be great to mix some of these inventions together, like a self-cleaning pet (and don’t tell me cats are self-cleaning, because unless you’ve trained them to take their litter out, they’re still messy…way adorable, but messy) or an alcohol brain chip (want to feel drunk without any of the cost of alcohol or messiness of a hangover? This brain chip is for you!).

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