Recap: RHoNJ “Melee at the Manor”

A hush fell over America Monday evening as an event of great importance transpired.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey have graced our TVs once again with their presence. The audience is prepared to be enchanted once more by their understated appeal. We’re always blessed with a look into their elegantly decorated homes, filled with loving husbands and well-behaved children.

Anyway, this season is different! Danielle decided to seek, um, gainful employment elsewhere, which left a gap in our cast! Theresa’s sister-in-law and cousin are our newest housewives. The best way to drum up the drama is to add family squabbles, and the new cast members delivered.

This episode kicked off with a fight. They show this fight scene about six times, because they know it’s the only reason we watch. You could basically see Theresa’s inner monologue during that scene, “Oh my gawwwd, I don’t want to be here, I can’t believe I have to talk to that prostitution whore, are the tables in here really bolted down?” You know Danielle was laughing maniacally in her brand new Newark apartment while forcing her daughters to watch. There’s a new villain – redemption!

Speaking of apartments, Caroline’s sons, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dropped out of Law School, have a brand new apartment in Hoboken. I think they’re pretending that they paid for it themselves, but I think we all know Papa Manzo is backing it. The daughter (Laura”¦ Linda”¦ something) was very impressed that the apartment had walls and windows. Windows that you can see outside of!

Clearly the children of this show are going places. First we see apartments in Hoboken, then we move on to see what a success Ashley has become. She has an internship. In PR. With Lizzie Grubman. Maybe she can take Ashley to the Hamptons with her. Just not to Quogue – wait, wrong show. Jacqueline decides to cross the river to harass her daughter under the guise of seeing where her daughter works. Now this was a surprise for Ashley, because they just let anyone off the street into these buildings. It’s like on Gossip Girl! So Ashley decides to introduce her mother to Lizzie. Lizzie crawls out of her cave moaning, “My precious,” but upon seeing the cameras, she straightened up and introduced herself to Jacqueline. After an awkward silence, we find that Ashley isn’t showing up to her internship every day. Commuting is hard and really expensive! Which is why she needs her parents to get her an apartment in the city; it’s cheaper than the train.

Melissa is a very spoiled girl who’s living the American dream – according to her, anyway. She’s probably right, though; she does get daily foot kisses from her husband, and that’s the very definition of spoiled. It seems her feud with Theresa stems from Theresa never calling her house beautiful.

That bitch. Melissa seems to have a great relationship with her husband. He expects to come home to dinner on the table and a clean house. How fulfilling. For him, anyway. But at least he has a good work ethnic! She has a good worth ethnic, too; she cleans, because cleaning is for women.

Kathy is the other new “Real Housewife.” She’s Theresa’s cousin, but she has a great relationship with Melissa. You can tell they have a good relationship because they drink red wine in the morning together.

Kathy’s husband may be the break-out star of the season. See, when they first started dating, Kathy’s father just assumed Rich was Italian, but no! He was really Lebanese! But Jesus was born in the Middle East, so it’s all OK.

I think I really like Kathy, too. She rides her bike around Wayne while muttering about clams and strawberries. What else does a person need to be? Her kids seem nice enough, but until they come out with a “ham game,” I won’t be paying much attention. Speaking of the Manzo’s antics, they decided to give Southern food a try. While they were cooking, they were wondering if southerners are sophisticated and worldly enough to make Italian food. The consensus was that they probably pour a jar of sauce on pasta and that’s that. Because no Italian people live in the South, and there’s also no culture there at all. But the boys did try their hand at “speaking Cajun.”

After the introductions, we finally get down to the real drama, which is at Giuseppe’s Christening, because that’s the appropriate place. Theresa was late because she was getting her forehead waxed. Melissa uses the same forehead waxer and kept them there longer to force Theresa to be late; pretty sneaky, sis-in-law! I’m not sure why Melissa and her sisters thought it was proper to wear dresses from AMI Clubwear to church, but maybe it’s one of those more relaxed churches.

Throughout the day, the perceived offenses just kept building. First, Theresa was late! Then, Theresa’s husband didn’t take any shots – the horror! Melissa’s husband (also named Joe) is annoyed because his Papa wasn’t paying enough attention to him. Now this behavior is acceptable when you’re about seven, but Joe is a just a grown man who had seven shots. Theresa makes the mistake of going over to congratulate her family. Again, what a bitch! She was told to “walk da fuck away.” There’s nothing ruder than congratulating people; I can understand why Joe was offended. Theresa’s dullard of a husband finally realized there was shit going down, but instead of going with his wife to comfort her, he decides to make things worse and lunge at people. All the guys named Joe/Joey jumped in, which is a lot of people. Joe feels like Joe ruined his relationship with his father (also named Joe?). Things just got Shakespearean. A ne’er-do-well brother-in-law ruining a relationship between a Joe and his father! HIS FATHER!