Pop Culture

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Double, double, toil and trouble; fire burn, and cauldron bubble! It’s Halloween in New Jersey!

Jacqueline’s family is celebrating by having a Halloween party, so they get together and carve pumpkins. Theresa puts a crazy wig on, and it’s really funny, because it keeps sliding down and making her forehead look smaller. Gia, now that she’s older than, and not as cute as, the baby, is being ignored. We get a brief look at her bee-yoo-tiful pumpkin, and it looks like she carved “red rum” on it. Uh oh.

The ladies try and counsel Theresa on her family issues. They heard about the Christening in the New Jersey Family Drama Newspaper. Theresa said her brother’s problem is that he holds things in too much. Yes, it seems like her family’s major issue is that they’re not in touch with their emotions. The ladies try and convince Theresa to patch things up because OMG THERE’S A PORSHE FASHION SHOW. No, it’s not a car show; the ladies are getting together to model too-small, too-short clothing from a classy boutique inexplicably named after the car. But the rules are if you name a store after an expensive thing, it will lend your store some class. See, expensive things are classy, OK? OK.

So Kathy invites Joe and Melissa over for dinner, and I think I found another reason I like Kathy. The food she made? It looked phenomenal! That spread put the nom in phenomenal; she should teach cooking classes. Wait, no, there’s ice in her wine? -5, Kathy! Sorry, I got distracted.

I learned from Frasier that you never put ice in your wine!

So Joe and Melissa are eating at Kathy’s house, and it looks like they showed up in their Halloween costumes. Or they’re trying to show that they’re as thick as thieves.

Now, Melissa seems very offended that Theresa had the audacity to talk to them at the christening, because when she went to Theresa’s christening extravaganza, she “knew her place” and stayed off the dance floor. Now, the rules of class dictate that if someone doesn’t dance at your party, you best not dance at their party. Theresa needs to learn her place! There’s a pecking order – sorry, wrong show again. Theresa ruined that day; they didn’t even get a chance to break a bottle of champagne, pardon me, Prosecco, over the new baby! It was time for Melissa and Joe to depart Kathy’s dinner. Ah, but when will the three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or rain? When the fashion show is done! When the battle is lost and won!

The ladies decide to meet at Porsche to look at clothes. The owner of Porsche is Kim D. All the women are named Kim – Kim is for girls, Joe is for boys. So Kim D. decides to show the women clothes from her her Madonna-Whore collection. She has sexy clothes, and she has mommy clothes. “Mommy” and “Sexy” can never mix. You’re one or the other.

This is the "sexy" dress.

Melissa shows her “model” walk. Frankly, it’s the kind of walk I would do if I wanted a wad of $20s in my panties, but they call this “sassy.” Never before have I seen a woman so in need of a lesson from Miss J. So, after she does her horrible walk, they ask her to be in the show. This gives Melissa the opportunity to be falsely modest. “Ohhh, gosh, meeee? I don’t know how to model, teeee!” Yeah, that’s why you busted into a runway walk when you knew there was a fashion show. Like hell you weren’t trying to be put in the show.

Melissa takes her family out trick-or-treating, and Joe tries to teach his children rhymes to say when they ring the doorbell. By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Open, locks, whoever knocks! Joe stood cackling at the end of the driveway because he was plotting, no, it seems the driveway was too long for him to walk down. So Melissa mounts the broom and brings the children to the door. What a nice family moment.

Now for Theresa, Halloween is all about her kids. Which is why she dressed up in a Super Smize knockoff costume and ran around the house embarrassing her kids.

It's about her kids. That's why they carry her cape.

Speaking of embarrassing, Melissa is really mad that she dressed sexy when her husband dressed in a mini dress. Melissa had to drag him out of the house because otherwise he would have spent the whole night flexing and checking himself out in the mirror. They spent the night at the hottest club in North Jersey, which was empty because anyone in North Jersey looking to “club” haunts the city instead.

You can tell it's a "hot club" because there's a disco ball.

Caroline is nervous about the fashion show. She didn’t go to last year’s fashion show, but she was hired as security this year. Caroline is really sad that the business is doing so well that her husband can’t retire. Her diamond shoes are also too tight.

Mama Manzo is the muscle at the Brownstone.

In yet another bitchy move by Theresa, she said hello to Melissa. Can’t she just walk away?! Why is she trying to make conversation?! Throw a table at her! C’mon! Kim D. told Theresa to eat something before the fashion show. You can tell Kim D. isn’t a professional, because who really tells their models to eat? Theresa doesn’t need to eat, she needs to drink.

The fashion show finally starts. These models are good models because they put their hands on the hips, exaggerate their hip movements, and won’t shut their mouths. Melissa comes out in a Black Swan costume, everyone is whistling for her, so that means she’s doing well. Yes, lick your lips more! That classes it up! The room grew silent when Theresa walked out; she has financial issues, so no one can cheer for her. Shun her!

Move over Tyra, there's a new top model.

Kathy decides it’s best to confront Theresa in public to admonish her for trying to solve her problems in public. This is a really good tactic and not hypocritical at all.

Prostitution whore!

Caroline takes her role as security seriously and jumps in the scuffle; she calms everyone down and tells them to kill each other at home. So Theresa goes home and waits until Melissa falls into a deep sleep and finally stabs her sister-in-law. That’s what she gets for stealing Theresa’s brother away! That’s what she gets for trying to upstage Theresa in the fashion show! That’s what she gets for having a bigger house! But poor Theresa, the blood won’t come off her hands, and all the perfume from Porsche won’t sweeten her paw!

2 replies on “Something Wicked This Way Comes”

My mom does it too! I always make fun of her when she asks me to get her a glass of chardonnay and “make sure to put the ice in it”.
At restaurants she makes sure to order ice water so she can scoop out the ice and put it in her wine. She would make a great RHoNJ.

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