Versus II: Versus Harder

Installment #2 of the fun game where I compare two things that are somewhat similar and determine (based on my arbitrary, capricious, and subjective preferences) which one is better.

Adult league kickball vs. adult league dodgeball. Well, both of these are full of intolerable hipster pretension, but both of these are also super duper fun. I’m declaring a tie between these two and instead giving the prize to adult league hide-and-seek (thank you, Portlandia, for opening my eyes to this oft unsung sport).

Coffee vs. chicory. I’m totally kidding. Who the eff drinks chicory?

Pudding vs. yogurt. They’re basically the same in terms of calories and health benefit, but pudding has a decadence that everyday yogurt just can’t touch.

Grown women who have teddy bears on their beds vs. Juicy Couture velour tracksuit wearers. Ah ha! This one is a trick! These two items can’t be separated. When all grown women who have teddy bears on their beds and all Juicy tracksuit wearers are illustrated via Venn diagram, it is easy to see that all women who fall into Sub-Category A (teddy bear mongers) also fall into Sub-Category B (Juicy tracksuit wearers); likewise, all members of Sub B fall into Sub A. HOWEVER, even though all members of Sub A are also part of  Sub B, and vice versa; and all members of Subs A/B fall into the larger Category C (crazy people); not all members of Category C belong to A and/or B. So, to summarize: all grown women who have teddy bears on their beds wear Juicy Couture velour tracksuits, and the other way around, and all grown women teddy bear mongering tracksuit wearers are crazy; BUT, not all crazy people are grown women who have teddy bears on their beds and wear Juicy tracksuits. Once it’s broken down, it’s quite simple.

Baby talk in the boudoir vs. something else really disgusting in the boudoir. I don’t think anything can top baby talk as a stone cold mood slayer. Note to baby talkers: when people are getting sexy and suchwhat, they dooon’t want to be reminded of childhood. Ew. Many of us also don’t want to be reminded that babies can be a consequence of sexy business.

Mouth breathers vs. open-mouth chewers. This one is extraordinarily difficult, because I feel an all-consuming urge to slap people who fall into either category, but since open mouth chewers only need to be dealt with at mealtime and mouth breathers insist on breathing, like, allll the time, open mouth chewers are the lesser threat.

Batman vs. Powergirl. Nerd averse readers, skip ahead. Are they gone? OK, so Batman and Powergirl are totally DC’s darkest and sexiest superheroes, am I right? High fi”¦oh, you’re just going to leave me hanging here with my arm up waiting for a high fizzie? Pshh. Moving on”¦ Batman’s so brilliant yet moody, Powergirl doesn’t know how to harness her raw sex magnetism, rather than have them fight for the win, wouldn’t you rather just see them make out?

Fax machines vs. carrier pigeons. In order to comply with requests for communication via either method, you basically have to locate a DeLorean and gun it to 88. Seriously, why does fax technology still exist?

Carmen San Diego vs. Inspector Gadget. Both had amazeballs theme music, but Carmen San Diego was so savvy and well traveled, plus she could locate the loot and the warrant, whereas Gadget could scarcely find the pair of winter mittens he hid in his back pocket, “Go, go Gadget butt mitts!” (That was one of his accessories, right?) And sure, Gadget had an adorable niece named Penny, but San Diego had Rockapella. Are you kidding me?! They were so urban. Survey says Carmen SD.

Email vs. text messaging. That all depends on whether you like your mother. Because while your mom can probably email, she probably can’t text”¦ at least not efficiently”¦ or comprehensibly. Your mom also probably writes, “Hi honey, it’s me, Mom”¦” when she makes a comment on your Facebook wall.

Pickles vs. green olives. The winner is relish plates of yore. Let’s bring this back, pickles and olives in a dainty dish with every proper meal, why ever did we move away from this lovely touch in the first place?

Comb-overs vs. neck beards. Blelgch. Better a man should develop full body alopecia than succumb to either of these menaces.

Grape Nuts Flakes vs. Wheaties. I find Wheaties so endearingly retro, don’t you? Whereas Grape Nuts Flakes are just sort of nowtro. Though very wholesome. Wheaties wins by an inch.

P!nk vs. Ke$ha. Let’s start with the similarities: both have punctuation in their names, both bust into really embarrassing white lady rap in the middle of their songs for no reason, both enjoy Nice n’ Easy home color kits in adventurous shades, both could handily whip my a$$ in a fight. But what really sets them apart is that P!nk screams and howls, while Ke$ha mostly just whines and makes other sounds through her nose. As any parent/teacher/coach will tell you: screaming beats whining. P!nk takes it.

Being kind vs. being right. As great as it feels to win, most of the time being kind is probably more important.