G Marks the Spot

Q: Talk to me/us about G-spot stuff. My boyfriend has been really eager to give me a vaginal/g-spot orgasm for like a year now, and I feel like we are often quite close, but it hasn’t worked yet. Some of it is that I can’t handle too much sustained, intense attention there until later in a sex session and by then my boyfriend usually can’t sustain us long enough anymore. Is the answer more foreplay? A certain kind of foreplay? Should I be experimenting with toys on myself to figure out how to do it? If so, what kind?

A: Great question! We want to start off by saying that there may not be one single answer, and there may not even be an answer in general – according to Scarleteen, based on some of the most recent studies, around 70% of women do not orgasm from penetration only. That doesn’t mean that because it hasn’t happened yet that you and/or your boyfriend will never make it happen, but it does mean that it’s very normal and very common if it doesn’t happen or if it takes a lot of work and practice to get there.

Something else that we thought was interesting about your question was that you said your boyfriend is eager to give you a G-spot orgasm – are you just as eager about it as he is? There are still so many sex-related misconceptions and myths floating around, one of them being that women can/should have orgasms from penetration (usually in the context of PIV sex) easily and every time, and it’s easy to internalize those myths and think that if your experience doesn’t line up with them, there’s something wrong with you or what you’re doing with/to your partner. If he doesn’t know this (and maybe even if he does), you may want to remind him that penetration is not the magical be-all and end-all of sex for many women and that it does not indicate anything about him (or you) or his ability to please you.

Experimenting by yourself may be really helpful – things can feel completely different depending on who is doing what and what they’re using (a penis, their fingers, your fingers, a vibrator, a dildo, etc), and at the very least, spending some quality time with yourself should be fun. Try using your fingers – they’re right there and they’re free! But if you’re like paperispatient, you may not be able to get the right angle and depth with your fingers, so that’s where some accessories might be useful. Most sex stores’ websites have various categories of sex toys, and there are vibrators and dildos that are designed with G-spot stimulation in mind, so you might find some of those helpful. If you both like the idea, you could include your boyfriend in your toy fun-times too and you could use the toys together, let him use them on you, etc. There are various books about G-spot orgasms that could be worth a look, but remember that everyone experiences sex and orgasms differently, so the sensations that one woman describes as always leading up to a G-spot orgasm may be completely different for you. (Also, people sometimes talk about G-spot orgasms and female ejaculation like they go hand in hand – they can, but you can also have a G-spot orgasm without squirting and squirt without any G-spot stimulation.)

While you’re browsing through vibrators, you may notice another category called “rabbit style” or dual-stimulation vibrators. Lots of women enjoy both internal and external stimulation, and according to Paul Joannides (author of The Guide to Getting It On), many women to find it easier to have an orgasm during penetration when there’s some extra clitoral action going on. If you haven’t already, either you or your boyfriend rubbing your clitoris during PIV sex may add the extra oomph you need, and any positions that lets him grind against your body and indirectly stimulate your clitoris that way may be worth trying too.

Also, a penis isn’t the only thing that can do the penetrating; if you enjoy receiving oral sex, having him finger you or use a toy on you while going down on you could be lots of fun, or he could finger you while you use a vibrator on your clitoris – there are lots and lots of possibilities and combinations of different types of stimulation you can try. (Conversely, you may find that two kinds of stimulation at once is overwhelming or distracting, especially if your clitoris tends to get really sensitive after a while – it’s worth trying, but it’s also quite normal if you find that you don’t like it.) If you both really want it to happen during PIV sex but he comes before you’re ready, getting him off once beforehand might help him be able to go at it a little longer. You could also mix things up during sex – fool around for quite a while just kissing and touching each other, have a little oral sex, have PIV sex for a while, switch back to oral sex or masturbation (or anything you like), go back to PIV sex, etc.

Basically, while there are some trends in what tends to work for many women, everyone is different, and you never know until you try different things how they’re going to feel and if they’re going to work. You may also want to try not trying for a while – some women find consciously working towards an orgasm effective, but other women find it counterproductive and distracting. Purely anecdotal – paperispatient had always wanted to have a G-spot orgasm, and the first time it happened was when she least expected it and wasn’t thinking about it (or even orgasms) at all. The “just see if it happens” approach doesn’t work for everyone, but if your experiments are ever starting to feel more like work than fun or if you find yourself feeling at all pressured or disappointed, it could be good to just see what happens when you’re not thinking about it.

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Keep the great questions coming! (Hee.) Got a ques­tion to ask, subject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? You can e-mail us at FriskyFeminist@persephonemagazine.com, and we’ve also set up a Tum­blr for the sole pur­pose of receiv­ing com­pletely anony­mous ques­tions here.