Things I Wish I Could Wear In the Summer

It is as hot as a pepper in an oven. It is as hot as a tablespoon of straight sriracha. It is as hot as Ryan Gosling winking saucily at Eva Green while standing near a lot of fire. And when it gets this hot, I start thinking about how restrictive these modern clothes are.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not wish to go naked when it gets this hot. I have my reasons! First of all, I’ve noticed that when my body parts touch each other in the heat, they get really sweaty and having a nice light cotton barrier is wonderfully helpful. Second of all, when it’s hot outside, everything is hot. I can’t put my precious butt-skin on a scorching hot lawn chair or car seat. It would result in burns, which leads to pain. I am strongly in the anti-pain camp. Third of all, there is way too much unidentifiable stickiness in the world, that I’d just rather have some sort of protective coating (in addition to my skin).

So now that that’s out of the way, here’s what I’d like to see come in fashion:

  1. Full body ice suits ““ these are like ice packs, except they are clothes. No more sticking a bag of frozen peas down your bra! Now you can just wear a frozen bra! I wouldn’t recommend it for air-conditioned spaces, but hoo-boy would it feel great when trekking around town in the hot, hot sun.
  2. Gender neutral linen muumuus that defy gravity”“ Nothing like having an appropriate amount of loose, breathable fabric swirling around the Sticky Regions (armpits, leg creases, boob creases, other creases) to really take the edge off the heat. I am sure these are already very real, but they way I imagine them, they’re nothing more than floating diaphanous fabric that never settles in any one place for too long.
  3. Durable candy necklaces ““ I really like to have a candy snack but these suckers just melt with my sweat and leave odd stains all over my skin. Science needs to get on making a more durable wearable candy.
  4. Bikini top and Daisy Dukes ““ I know I can wear this, but you try getting service with no shirt and no shoes. Kenny Chesney told me that it shouldn’t be a problem, but he lied. I suppose I don’t need to get service, I could just sit around the house, trying to get the dog to bring me French fries, but his lack of opposable thumbs makes it easier for all involved for me to just get my butt down to a fast food joint.
  5. A t-shirt made entirely of tiny fans that blow a cool breeze onto my skin all the time but never actually catch the skin in their web of rotating blades ““ This doesn’t need any more explanation. I need a cool breeze and I need it now.

How about you? What do you wish was real? What clothes do you wish were more acceptable to wear in the heat?


10 replies on “Things I Wish I Could Wear In the Summer”

I’ll be over here in the nudist corner. Maybe with a soft towel with which one can occasionally dab the beads of accumulating sweat. When the towel is not in use, it hangs from a non-constricting waist belt like a loincloth (but not for modesty; purely to carry the towel around while keeping the hands free). There is nothing more wonderful than the feeling of hot moisture being gloriously wiped away and that first shock of slightly cooler air hitting suddenly-dry skin.

How I hate the jumpsuits that are starting to show up in fast fashion stores this summer, but for pure utilitarian purposes, one made of linen may be just the thing to keep the sweaty/tender bits from rubbing together while remaining cool and in motion. Or a salwar kameez kind of thing. Loose, soft, airy, breathable.

I wish I could wear a Sari. I think they are gorgeous, and they look so light and flowy. I love me some light and flowy. Of course, I could be writing this as a Sari wearing woman curses her clothes for being uncomfortable. But if looks are anything to go by, then I’d love to try a Sari. I just don’t think I could pull it off.

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