Countless Internet pixels have been spilt in the search to find out who we really are as people. Perhaps our seemingly arbitrary choices actually reveal a great deal our character! How else to explain the proliferation of articles telling one the essential truth about oneself based on completely random decisions?
It got me thinking that Internet article archetypes themselves were probably quite revealing about the human spirit. Besides, far be it from me to pass up the chance to divide large swaths of people into ill-defined groups. Hence, an Internet article telling you what your favorite Internet article says about you. On with the fun!
“What Your ______ Says About You” Articles: Close cousins to those quizzes that have clogged many a Facebook newsfeed (What Desperate Housewife Are You? What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?! What Tampon Absorbency Are You?!?!?), these articles are favored by people who are trying to find meaning in their lives. If this is your favorite kind of blog post, then this is you! If you weren’t a philosophy major, you probably thought about it. It’s a good thing you aren’t a celebrity, because if you were you’d reinvent yourself every year or two, each time declaring that you’d found the “real you.”
Listicles: If you love the here-to-stay listicle, you are probably very organized. Perhaps your brain is arranged like a tidy little room with filing cabinets and a coaster under every cup. You also may be a busy, over-scheduled person who finds comfort in the quick, straightforward nature of the listicle. You’re surely a list-maker, and you may or may not have once put “Have Fun” on a list and crossed it out at the appropriate time.
Nostalgia Pieces: You have trouble throwing T-shirts away because of their sentimental value. Books and films like The Velveteen Rabbit and Toy Story have left you convinced that your childhood toys have feelings, and thus you won’t let your parents get rid of any of them. You go to ’80s nights at bars, and once in a while you drink a screwdriver, even though you hate them, just because it’s the first drink you ever had. You keep in touch with all your exes.
Outrage Bait Articles: You care about The Issues, but not enough to do much about them. You join Facebook groups to express how you feel about important things, but are unable to muster the energy to go to live protests. You’ve mastered the art of the well-worded outraged Internet comment, and superficial repetitive outrage bait articles are like catnip to you. You might not be fun at parties.
Slideshows With Text: You make fun of USA Today but you secretly love staying in hotels because you love reading its brightly-colored, infographic-filled pages. You’re terrible at giving directions because you don’t know the names of any streets or highways, but you can get anywhere you need to go based on landmarks. You probably don’t read books for fun anymore. You talk with your hands. You are extremely fun at parties.