I Hate Your Voicemail

In this age of texting and email, amswering machines seem to be going the way of the 8-track and Betamax. Some communication, however, still takes place over the phone, and whether it’s on a land line or a cell phone, sometimes you just have to leave a message. As anyone who has to make phone calls and leave messages in the course of doing their job can tell you, most people’s outgoing voicemail messages are pretty infuriating.

You probably have no idea how annoying your outgoing voicemail greeting is. Or you do, and just don’t care. Either way, I can pretty much guarantee that, from the perspective of someone who makes often hundreds of phone calls a day, your voicemail is just awful. And here’s why:

• You have a “ringback.” When someone calls your cell phone, an automated voice tells them to “Please enjoy the music while [their] party is being reached.” Then, music of your choice is played in their ear. Here’s the thing: no matter what you’ve chosen, it sucks. It’s a terrible song, played on a terrible half-a-chorus loop, and it makes me want to gouge my own ears out.
• Your outgoing message is forty minutes long. Listen, it’s voicemail. Everyone knows how it works. “This is [name], please leave a message,” is perfectly adequate. As opposed to this: “Hello, you’ve reached the Jones family, and this is our answering machine! We’re too busy to take your call, or we don’t want to talk to you! {chuckles} If you’d like to leave a message for John, Joan, Jack, Jenny, or Spot, please leave your name, phone number, time you called, and message, and we’ll try to get back to you as soon as possible. If you are a telemarketer or are trying to sell us anything, please remove this number from your dialing list and never call again, or we will seek action under the Federal Do Not Call List. For everyone else, we’ll call you back! Have a nice day! Bye!” So. Unbelievably. Unnecessary.
• You let your barely verbal child leave the message. “Burble burble mehmeh ggllllggguh BAH BAH BAH BAH Jones fammy weev meffige BYYYYYYEEEE.” This is cute to no one but you. I promise you that.
• Your voicemail doesn’t pick up until ten rings in. OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS WHEN I HAVE TO MAKE FOUR THOUSAND MILLION PHONE CALLS?
• Each person in the family shouts their name into the phone, in succession. Too many voices. Too much volume. Let’s just keep the shouting to a minimum all around; can we do that, please?
• This one is not your fault, but it’s still unbearably annoying. This one is entirely on the cell phone providers. The neverending menu of choices after your outgoing message has ended is just ridiculous. No one ever presses 5 to leave a callback number. No one ever sends a numeric page. No one ever needs to do anything except leave a message, so just cut the shit, cellphone companies, all right?

Now, I think it’s only fair that I tell you what a good voicemail greeting is. As far as I’m concerned, you have two choices, really:

1. The aforementioned, “This is [name], please leave a message.” Short, straightforward, and to the point. Simplicity is key here.
2. The robot voice. I love the robot voice. We’re close friends. The robot voice tells me your phone number, and tells me you’re unavailable, then lets me do my thing. The robot voice doesn’t think it’s funny or clever. The robot voice doesn’t try to impress me. It’s simple, direct, and easy to understand. It doesn’t waste my time. We should all aspire to be more like the robot voice.

(A slightly more profane version of this post appeared at Nice Girls Don’t Swear.)