With the long days and hot weather, there’s more opportunity now than ever to catch up on TV shows that you might have missed. This entirely (not) scientific quiz will point you to the show that speaks to your soul (assuming your soul can be ascertained from a series of disjointed, superficial questions). Ready? Let’s go!
- 1. You have to create a float for your local Pride Parade or Fourth of July Celebration. Awesome! You get some tissue paper and glue and sequins and get to work. When you finish, your float resembles:
- A reproduction of the statue of David or Venus, anatomically correct, of course. Well, maybe a little embellished ““ after all, what’s a fantasy for?
- A large cat wearing a strange hat and sitting on a book ““ who doesn’t love cats and books?
- A to scale replica of the state capitol building, painted with the state colors, decorated with the state flower, and all done while snacking on the state fruit.
- A large blue police box ““ I hear it’s larger on the inside.
- Nothing ““ you didn’t do it. Instead you tell the parade organizers, “I think that I shall never see a parade float lovely as a tree,” as you skip along to find flowers to put in your hair.
- 2. It’s time for dinner. Thank goodness, because I am hungry as hell. What do you make for dinner?
- A nice pie, which you absolutely refuse to share.
- Who has time for dinner when there are coffee shops and dance clubs to attend? You throw on a cute outfit and get a cappuccino!
- Waffles. Breakfast food is the best and should be served at all meals.
- Astronaut ice cream, Tang, and some fettucini alfredo because, well, a person cannot live on dried food products alone.
- Whatever it is, you’re sure I’ve never heard of it.
- 3. The president has decided to ask puppies to pay a steep tax just for being alive ““ kind of like the beard tax in ye olde England, but with puppies. Puppies who cannot pay the tax are disappeared. Poor puppies. How do you respond?
- The president is clearly being controlled by a powerful lobby ““ you must literally attack that lobby and stop the wild legislation. And maybe tear your shirt strategically while doing so.
- The president is clearly being controlled by demonic forces ““ you must literally attack those forces and bring him back to his normal, puppy-loving self. And maybe you can stare longingly into someone’s eyes while doing so.
- The president has lost touch with the common man! You will write a strong letter, and a petition, and maybe also chain yourself to the fence in front of the White House. Your voice will be heard!
- The president is clearly being controlled by extraterrestrial life forms! Fortunately, you and your loyal sidekick know how to handle these matters.
- You decide to take your puppy and move to Canada. They have so many seals up there to commune with anyway.
- 4. Ah, damnation. One of your friends is throwing a pool party. While you are excited for cake, music, and bizarre Jello molds, you are less excited about having to buy a new swim suit. What does your new swim suit look like?
- White ““ perfect for laying out in and soaking up some extra rays. You love being out in the sun.
- Black, and it has to come with utility pockets to store all your accessories. You’re a person on the go!
- You can’t decide so you take your friend along to give you advice. You try to imagine what Susan B. Anthony might wear, and end up leaving with a set of pantaloons.
- The suit itself is a nice brown color, but you decide to pair it with a truly psychedelic scarf. Who says wool and chlorinated water don’t mix?
- You go naked so you can feel the water on your skin as nature intended it.
- 5. I have to find you for something, erm, something totally super important! And secret”¦ yes, that’ll explain why this question is so vague. I have to find you for something secret. Where will I find you?
- At your house, cleaning or cooking, or maybe laying out in the sun with a good book and a sweet pair of shades.
- In the library, chatting it up with friends or just frantically reading about the occult.
- At work, being silly and productive. At the same time!
- In a very small police box ““ trust me, it’s bigger on the inside.
- Communing with nature.
Mostly 1s: True Blood ““ An adventurous spirit, you enjoy sexy, sexy escapades, all the pleasures of life, and escaping into fantasy when the whim strikes you. That makes you the kind of person who would appreciate sexy, sexy people doing sexy, sexy things while sexy, sexy fighting for their sexy, sexy lives (or un-lives, in the case of vampires) using sexy, sexy terrible southern accents. The first three seasons are already out, and the fourth one just started a few weeks ago, so you better catch up and catch up quick.
Mostly 2s: Buffy the Vampire Slayer ““ You’re the kind of person who got straight As and made sassy, hilarious comments while doing so (not necessarily out loud, but that’s cool). That makes you the kind of person who would appreciate sexy, sexy people doing sexy, sexy things while sexy, sexy fighting for their sexy, sexy lives (or un-lives, in the case of vampires) using sexy, sexy snappy dialog. Also, you are OK with seeing your favorite characters hurt and killed in the name of story. That’s some mighty strong TV watching skills you’ve got ““ good on you! All of the seasons of Buffy are available on Netflix Instant and Hulu.
Mostly 3s: Parks and Recreation ““ A true patriot, interested in pointing out your government’s foibles and errors while still taking part in the process, you are dedicated, loyal, and a little bit doofy. That makes you the kind of person who likes local government, jokes about feminism, and the state of Indiana. The first two seasons are available through Netflix Instant, and the third season will likely be added sometime this summer. Episodes are also available through the NBC website and Hulu.
Mostly 4s: Dr. Who ““ I’m going to be honest and say that I’ve only seen about three episodes of this show, but well, I know a free-wheeling, seat-of-your-pants, science-loving nerd-pants (I say nerd-pants with love, I am also a nerd-pants) when I see one (or when they answer questions in this quiz). There is a lot of this show to cover, and you can find tons on Netflix. Live long and prosper! Wait, wrong show.
Mostly 5s: No TV At All You Hippie ““ Ah, just go outside and a read a book! You clearly do not care for technology, or, in some strange attempt to be a hipster, have gone all neo-Luddite all over the place. Well, good on you for breaking free from the alluring yet terrible box that has the possibility to inject poltergeists and Two and a Half Men into our safe, happy homes.