Careful, You’re Clinkling

What’s “clinkling” you ask?  Why, it’s only the latest thing in women’s health and beauty; a combination of “cleavage” and “wrinkling” (I want to note that I have to give my friend Molly all the credit for this neologism).  And if you’re doing it, be advised: it will ruin your life.

Luckily for all of us ladies, there are now a slew of devices on the market that will help solve the problem of boob wrinkling, and with cute names like the Intimia Pillow (which sounds to me like it’s menstruation-, rather than boob-related), ChestSavers, La Decollette, and the Kush Support, they’re taking the bebreasted world by storm!  It’s true, just ask all the women interviewed in this recent piece for the New York Times.  Some of these clinkling prevention tools even come in leopard print and look a bit “kinky,” which apparently is “another benefit.”  Really, how could you possibly say no to one of these things?

Victoria's Secret pink push-up bra.These cleavage-enhancing products are nothing new, obviously, and neither is the marketing tactic of essentially creating a new bodily flaw for women to worry about and pay money to have fixed.  At some point, some company is going to come out with a product designed to help us have more attractive kidneys or something, because as everyone knows, as soon as women start feeling good about their bodies, and at peace with the natural process of aging, the world will explode and we’ll all die.  So as much as I’d like to go on about how ridiculous it is that on top of everything else, we now need worry about our breasts being pressed against each other at night and clinkling as a result, I’m not going to bother.  I don’t really think that I have anything novel to add to that discussion anyway.

What I want to address instead is the way in which these new products are presented in the Times article.  Or perhaps I should say the way in which this entire clinkling phenomenon is presented; based on the Times‘ evaluation, you’d think every woman in the world was just sitting in a dark room somewhere with a paper bag over her head and her entire body concealed, afraid to step outside because she’s got crows’ feet, veiny hands, laugh lines, and stretch marks.  There’s absolutely no consideration of the fact that 1) some women may not actually care that much about wrinkles, let alone clinkles, and 2) some women might find the idea of buying a little pillow that’s placed between the breasts at night to be absolutely ridiculous.  The last paragraph is as close as the article’s writer comes to making any sort of concession to the idea that there may be women out there with different opinions:

But how big a problem cleavage wrinkles are might also come down to perspective. As one flat-chested woman put it: “Some people would be so happy to have cleavage that they would never think to complain about the wrinkles that accompanied them.”

I mean, I know that I personally have spent every day of my life bemoaning my tiny 34As.  If only I were more endowed so that I could have clinkles too!  I mean, clinkles are bad, but being too small-chested to even have them is so much worse!

Presenting this issue as being absolutely unilateral does a disservice to women everywhere.  There’s no danger in the concept of accepting your body for what it is, and accepting the changes that it undergoes when you age.  On the other hand, treating a subject like this in a way that suggests that this is a major issue for women everywhere really just serves to reinforce the idea that our bodies, in their natural states, are wrong, and need to be reined in and tamed somehow.

Personally, I don’t want to be shamed into buying a product for a problem I didn’t even know I had until I read an article about it.  And if this is what passes for reporting in the New York Times, then I’m not all that interested in hearing very much else of what they have to say.

By Emilie

Runner, yogini, knitter, Manhattanite in spite of myself. Also blogging at

8 replies on “Careful, You’re Clinkling”

I want to invent a useless product that solves a fabricated (by me) body issue!

Ladeez! Are you worried about the wrinkles/creases on your finger knuckles? Well, you SHOULD BE! Those wringerckles are hideous (seriously).

There … fabrication planted online. Now off to make a website that sells moisturizer-infused pads that cling to your knuckles and perhaps have some sort of way to inject a small amount of botox into each knuckle.

Ladies! Worried about whether or not your tongue is getting too fat? Worry no more ! Now there is Tongue-Bung, the quick and fun new diet pill to get your chubby tongue into tip top shape ! Side effects include excessive drooling, seizures, mouth decay, toothlessness, weight gain, weight loss, baldness, diarrhea, anal leakage, dementia, over-excitability, death, and permanent brain damage!

Tong-Bung is not available anywhere outside of Florida. Offers may vary. Please do not consult your doctor before taking this, as it is incredibly useless and highly illegal.

Leave a Reply