“How Do I Get Out of the Funk I’m In With My Boyfriend’s Spunk?”

Q: Hello, frisky feminists! I have a question about how to talk to your boyfriend about his semen. For most of my decade-long sex life, I have really enjoyed giving oral sex and “swallowing” (only under STD-free circumstances, of course). It is something that turns on both me and my current (soon-to-be-permanent) partner, who I have an awesome sex life with.

The problem is that a few months ago, I realized that the consistency of his semen is sometimes very clumpy and it is setting off my gag reflex. It seems to come out in both a watery form (which is fine) but also with large clumps that seem more gooey, maybe like mashed banana (sorry for the icky description). With that, it’s been hard to enjoy what used to be a very pleasurable activity. To make matters worse, I have struggled to talk to him about this change.

All I can tell him is that I don’t want him to ejaculate in my mouth anymore, but I know that this is both confusing and a little hurtful to him (though he’s very respectful of my new boundary). I tried to talk to him about this once, but I did a quick backtrack during the conversation once I realized that I was causing him no small amount of embarrassment. Also, I don’t know if his semen has changed or if I only recently noticed its consistency. Internet research has yielded little information about the “clumpy semen phenomenon.”

I miss our old way of oral sex. Can you suggest a way for me to get over my distaste? Or how I might talk to him about why I am suddenly avoiding this activity without completely embarrassing him? I wanted to suggest that he bring it up with a doctor, but I don’t know if that is even necessary! How do I get out of the funk that I’m in with my boyfriend’s spunk?

A: First of all, may we just thank you for giving us the title of the post in your question – we can never resist a good rhyme!

Remember that neither of us are doctors or have any sort of medical training, but from the research we’ve done on semen consistency, it seems like a trip to the doctor would only be necessary if he’s also having other symptoms, like pain, blood in his semen, or unusual discharge, which would suggest a possible infection of some kind.

So, what might be causing this, if it is indeed a new development? According to the experts at Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University’s health Q&A website run by their health promotion program, chunky or clumpy semen is very normal and a variety of factors can influence the consistency of semen – temperature, diet, how recently he last ejaculated, physical activity level, and even clothing. If there have been any major changes in any of those areas recently, like if he’s started jogging or if he’s ejaculating less frequently than he used to, that could be behind it.

It may not be the most enjoyable conversation the two of you ever have, but we would both suggest bringing it up to him – you mentioned that you think he’s feeling confused and a bit hurt that you no longer want to swallow, and it might be helpful for him to know why, even if the reason makes him feel self-conscious or embarrassed at first. Thinking about how you would want him to bring the subject up to you if the situation were reversed could be useful – you can emphasize that you know it’s not his fault and that you still love going down on him and giving him pleasure, but your gag reflex isn’t as on board with it as the rest of your body. Making sure he knows that you don’t think he is gross and that you’re still very attracted to him and love having sex with him, oral included, may help reassure him that you’re not judging him and his semen and that this hasn’t changed anything about your sexual relationship, except the logistics of finishing up oral sex.

The only way we can think of trying to get over your distaste would be repetition, trying to get used to it. Some people find that swallowing is easier while deep-throating, so the semen just goes right down the throat without much effort, while others find that a recipe for choking and prefer their partners coming in their mouths so they have more control over what they swallow and when. But if you don’t like it, you don’t like it (we only have so much control over our gag reflexes, and some people are more sensitive than others), and we don’t want you doing anything you find genuinely unpleasant, because that’s no fun. (And if you’re concerned that he feels self-conscious, we wonder if it might make him feel even more self-conscious if he sees you gagging every time you try to swallow.)

What about trying to adapt oral sex a bit? Some people (by which I mean, some of my girlfriends, who shared this during a conversation about oral sex while we were all cooking dinner one night) spit – he could ejaculate in your mouth and you could immediately spit it into a tissue or wash cloth. We’re not sure if this would be helpful for you, since the semen would obviously still be in your mouth, but if it’s the actual trying-to-swallow-it that makes you gag as opposed to it being in your mouth, this could be worth a shot. If the two of you are fans of him coming on you, you could work that into oral sex as well, getting him almost to orgasm and one of you finishing him off by hand onto wherever you like. (We know that’s not the same as him coming in your mouth, but maybe it would feel similarly intimate and could be enjoyable?) Using a condom during oral sex may also be worth considering, that way he could finish in your mouth but you wouldn’t encounter his semen at all.

Finally, depending on what kinds of sensations get him off during oral sex, you may be able to tweak what you’re doing so that he can still come from it but just not in your mouth. If his frenulum (the bit on the underside of the penis, right below the head, where there’s often a little crease) is sensitive and receptive to stimulation, focusing your attention on that without putting his penis in your mouth and incorporating a hand or two wherever he likes could do the trick. (For a picture of what we’re trying semi-successfully to describe, have a look at page 243 in the Amazon preview of The Guide to Getting It On.)

Persephoneers, have you ever been in a similar situation? How did you handle it (the conversation and/or the sex)?

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Keep the great questions coming! (Hee.) Got a ques­tion to ask, subject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? You can e-mail us at FriskyFeminist@persephonemagazine.com, and we’ve also set up a Tum­blr for the sole pur­pose of receiv­ing com­pletely anony­mous ques­tions here (though there’s now a word limit on questions on Tumblr, apparently, but you can get around it by dividing your question into parts, if necessary) .