Ladyguide: Emergency Housecleaning

The phone rings.  It’s family, they’re twenty minutes away and your home looks like it’s been taken over by squatters. What do you do? Don’t fret, readers. I have mastered the art of deceptive housekeeping, and I am here to share all my dirty (heh!) little last minute cleaning secrets with you. Because I care.

The first step is to recognize you can’t do everything. This is the time to triage. Any room no one will go into is automatically off the list. Anything above your head is also off the list, because nobody looks up. The rest is a matter of prioritizing, shortcuts and a willingness to just not give a fuck.

I dare you to say something about Jessica Fletcher's dust bunnies.

 Selena’s Rules for A Clean-Fucking-Enough Home

1. Ovens, microwaves, dishwashers, washers and dryers all make great short term storage.

2. So do laundry baskets. Run through the public spaces and toss everything that doesn’t belong in a basket, shove said baskets in a closet.

3. Clean your publicly accessible bathroom counters, the outsides of toilets and mirrors with Windex and a bunch of paper towels. Unmatched socks also work. Squirt some toilet cleaner in the bowl, let it sit until step 8.

4. Spray all your fabrics with Febreeze or Lysol.

5. Light a stinky candle.

6. Use another bunch of paper towels, a feather duster or another unmatched sock to wipe the dust off of all your surfaces.

7. Run the vacuum over carpets, sweep the hard floors.

8. Run a toilet brush around the inside of the bowl.

9. Bag up all your trash and stick it outside or out of sight.

10. After your company leaves, pull your crap out of the oven before you forget it’s there and preheat it.  (You’ll never get rid of the stench of melted sneakers, trust me on this one.)

11. Enjoy your favorite beverage with your feet up.




By [E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

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