At the rehearsal lunch for the Keegan-Novelli wedding, groom Peter Novelli is pissy. The place is an absolute mess ““ there’s exactly one soccer ball on the lawn ““ and the bride’s father, Ben, doesn’t want to give in to Peter’s demands. He whines that he needs to be able to “provide” for his bride, Moira. Ben, clearly not a fan of Peter, walks away. Peter kicks the soccer ball into the woods. The woods send it back, dirty and mangled, but the only one to see is the staff member charged with getting the place “spic-and-span.” Peter is kind of a douchecanoe.
Chris and Audrey, en route to their first date, make a pit stop at the reception to drop off the marriage license. The Crockers show up, ostensibly to drop off a sample of the wedding wine but really to question Beverly Keegan, head of the historical society, about the box they found. Duke and Evvie fawn over Chris, causing him to go seek out some alone time.
Peter’s Uncle Dom doesn’t want him to get married, but Peter’s not buying his “scary stories.” As she’s dropping off the license, Audrey overhears Dom hoping that blood doesn’t spill. After he leaves, Ben comes in to tell Peter the wedding’s off. He wants the Novellis to get the hell out of his house.
Some time later, Audrey hears a struggle, and busts into a bathroom to find the place wrecked. The window is broken and smeared with something brown. Audrey’s unable to call for backup, as the struggle took out the landline. She follows drag marks leading into the woods.
Evvie and Duke approach Beverly, with Evvie hoping they can sell the box and Duke looking for information. When Beverly sees the box she agrees to talk to Duke.
Gun drawn, Audrey heads into the woods and finds the drag marks end at a rather large uprooted tree. Chris has followed her, anxious to start their date. Audrey catches him up on her investigation. They spot Ben’s glasses, covered in organic (according to Chris) goo. Audrey takes a picture with her phone’s camera before they head back. Little do they know that Ben Keegan’s body is up in a tree, trussed up with roots. Roots! (Like Peter Griffin, I get stupidly giddy when there’s a reference to the episode title.)
The Teagues drop in on Nathan to see if he wants a ride to drop off the license, as they’re heading that way to take photos for the paper. They needle Nathan about Audrey’s date, but he’s not biting. They leave, but not before Dave posts a homemade poster looking for Twitter followers.
At the Keegan estate, Beverly claims to know nothing about any history or powers the box might have, although she is able to tag it as “late Colonial.” Evvie’s still looking to make a sale, and Beverly implies that she might be an interested buyer.
Audrey asks Peter about his fight with Ben. Moira correctly guesses that they were fighting over the land again. Chris tries to get them to cooperate, but they just want to invite him to the rehearsal. Peter is basically a little shit and dismissive of Audrey, but Moira reveals that Peter wanted Ben to give him a piece of Beverly’s land.
Audrey asks Dom about his warning to Peter. Dom says the Keegans are trouble, and shows Audrey his arm, covered in ropy scars. They hear a scream, and Audrey heads outside where Chris and Moira have discovered Ben’s body. He’s been dumped at the edge of the property, torn limb from limb and covered in fresh wounds mirroring the ones on Dom’s arm.
The Teagues, stranded by Dave’s crappy van, radio Nathan for rescue. He agrees to come, as long as Dave knocks off the goofy CB lingo.
Audrey, Chris, Moira, Peter, Dom, Beverly, and the Crockers are the only ones left at the estate. Oh, and one of the catering staff”¦ for the moment, anyway. Moira accuses Peter of killing Ben. Peter protests, “He’s dead and I didn’t get anything!” Which is technically true, but so not what he should have said. Their fight is interrupted when large roots come snaking toward them out of the woods. The caterer tries to make a run for her car, but gets dragged screaming into the woods.
Audrey hustles everyone into the barn, where the roots keep encroaching and wrap themselves around the building. Beverly and Dom start family feuding. Audrey asks Chris to calm them down, but it doesn’t work. She assures everyone they’re safe but Chris quietly informs her that the roots are obviously strong enough to destroy the barn.
Out on the only road out to the estate, Nathan has arrived to help the Teagues. Soon after he arrives, though, the roots attack the van, and Nathan and the Teagues have to barricade themselves inside.
In the barn, Duke starts swigging from the bottle. Well, that’s one way to cope with impending death. Audrey asks him what he knows about Beverly. Evvie, useful for once, offers the insight that Beverly’s pissed because she’s rich but not allowed to write her own checks. She owns the family land, but Ben holds the purse strings ““ or used to, anyway.
Audrey and Chris disagree about what’s going on. As a scientist, he observes people to learn more. Audrey accuses him of viewing the people in Haven ““ including her ““ as science experiments. Chris wants a practical solution, like a chainsaw, but Audrey thinks they need to get to the human root (pun not intended but fully enjoyed) of the problem.
Evvie tells Duke he’s changed and says she can change too. Then she promptly suggests he sell the box and run away with her to live off the proceeds. Duke says he’ll think about it. He tries to open a door so he can get the lay of the land (at Audrey’s request), but the roots try to get in so he quickly shuts it.
In the van, the roots have snapped off the radio antenna. Vince, in a contest with Dave, asks Nathan to follow him on Twitter. Dude, so not the time. The Teagues get a rise out of Nathan by suggesting Audrey and Chris are getting closer after being trapped together. Nathan takes the bait, planning to use the crap sitting around the van to MacGyver an escape.
Audrey tells Beverly she’s a suspect, but Beverly figures they’ll all be dead before she sees the inside of a jail cell. Audrey tells her she knows from talking to Dom that something like this happened before. Beverly calls Dom a liar and starts talking. When she was in high school, she says her brothers caught Dom in a lie and he used the roots to attack them, killing her baby brother. Dom accuses her of lying. The roots attack, smashing through a barn wall. Duke knocks Audrey out of the way of a root, and it turns on Evvie instead. She heeds Audrey’s warning to stay still, and the roots retreat. Audrey has a plan.
She’s realized the hatred between the Novellis and the Keegans is drawing the plants. Chris determines love is the way to get them to stop fighting, and suggests starting with the bride and groom. Unfortunately, Moira’s unwilling to forgive Peter, and who can really blame her? She says her father tried to warn her by showing her the tree that supposedly killed Beverly’s brother years ago.
Audrey eventually pulls the whole story from Dom and Beverly, after showing Beverly Dom’s scars and telling her her brother lied to keep control of her money. Dom and Beverly planned to elope, but somehow her brothers found out. A fight ensued and the trees attacked. Bev’s brother was killed, even though Dom tried to save him. Beverly and Dom embrace and give each other an awkward kiss. Audrey wants to use them to escape, guessing that their love will make the roots stop attacking. Then Nathan arrives, brandishing a flare taped to a hockey stick. It would be really dramatic and awesome, but Audrey bursts his bubble by telling him she’s got everything under control. The couples file out hand in hand through the retreating web of roots, Audrey and Chris going last. Poor Nathan looks absolutely gutted.
At the police station the Teagues catch up Nathan on the Keegan curse, visited upon a set of twins. Each had one half of the curse, one married into the Novelli family, and the rest is twisted Haven history. Before leaving, they warn Nathan not to wait too long to make a decision about Audrey. He looks at the newspaper photo of Lucy Ripley before picking up the phone”¦ and putting it right back down.
Duke tells Evvie he can’t leave. She blames Audrey. He explains that his father made him promise to return to Haven if the Troubles did, but died before telling him why. Once she’s alone, Evvie makes a phone call and passes this information on. The man on the other end of the line responds, “Then we have to keep pushing him.” We knew Evvie was a pain in the ass, but who would’ve guessed she’s Eeeeeevil?
Chris shows up at Audrey’s for dinner. He offers flowers, saying, “Do you like them? They seem to like you.” Audrey laughs and tosses them outside. They both laugh. Lots of laughing going on. LOLOL. Chris says he’s not interested in Audrey because of her immunity to him. He tells her she’s amazing, and some other crap-ass line that boils down to “because you’re you.” It seems he’s impressed by the way she ended the Keegan-Novelli feud. Fair enough.
Audrey kisses Chris. Clothes immediately start coming off, which is basic-cable code for teh secks. Audrey’s phone buzzes ““ Nathan’s calling ““ but she’s oblivious. Oh noes. You guys, I think I’ve boarded the SS Audrey-and-Nathan, just as it hit choppy waters. My timing is impeccable.