Are any of you still alive out there? Or did Nina Garcia suck out your soul through your nose like she did our designers last week? I prevented my eternal damnation by saying three Hail Michaels and one Our Daddy Gunn, amen. Hail Michael, full of bitchery. Our designs are with thee. Blessed art thou among couturiers, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, jeggings.
This week the designers were presented with athletic gear (sneakers, t-shirt, shorts) to wear to meet Tim and Heidi. Nothing says “fashion design competition” like emulating the JV track team. They were put into teams of three. Yay! I just know we’re going to see great stuff on Project Runway this week! The more disparate, struggling fashion designers you have on a team, the better the clothing, as seen on this chart:
The designers were forced to run around a track somewhere (I wasn’t paying attention to where, I was making the above chart, a much more important use of my blogging time). The four fastest runners would be the team captains. This is actually how I met my husband. He lost a race, and I’ve been happy ever since. He drinks a lot.
Anyhoo, one thing everyone could immediately decide on: No one wanted Bert. And Bert didn’t want no one. Bert wouldn’t even want Ernie, because he’s a jerk (Bert, not Ernie). So, I imagine everyone would run their heart out to avoid getting Bert, and possibly Cecilia, the whiniest whiner who ever whined. Seriously, five minutes into the show and I wanted to bring in Nina to finish the death blow to this pathetic excuse of an Eeyore.
But Cecilia swung her own axe and took herself off the show. I don’t even know what to say. I’m a fighter kind of gal, so I don’t really understand quitters. I understand failure plenty — just not quitting so suddenly. I only quit things after life has sufficiently beaten me down though years and years of depressing, bitter defeat. RIP Cecilia, whose designs I totally don’t remember. Who were we talking about again?
And so the remaining designers ran their hearts out! It was like Chariots of Fire! …I imagine. I’ve never actually watched that movie. It was like every gym class I avoided! …I imagine.
Olivier fell on his face, which is sad. I wonder if it will change his faux-Somewhereopean accent? He got a giant bruise on his knee and then had a panic attack. This is why running is evil. Never do it, unless you’re chasing James McAvoy.
Joshua M., Bryce, Anthony, and Viktor were the winners and, therefore, the team leaders. Since what’s-her-face quit, the team left with only two people (Viktor and Olivier) got to choose an eliminated player to bring back on the show to join them in the team challenge. Oooooooh! Reality TV is so full of second chances! Unless you’re Kate Gosselin. They chose Joshua C., who was super happy to return.
Challenge, ahoy: make three outfits to go with the sneakers Heidi Klum “designed” for New Balance. They must utilize the materials used in Heidi’s shoes: denim and suede. Think about that. Denim sneakers. Denim. Sneakers.
Oh, goody. Denim or suede or both. It’ll be like the time my parents went to Dollywood and sent me back a souvenir cowboy hat. Except worse. I hadn’t though that was possible.
The winning designers’ looks will be sold with the rest of Heidi’s collection for New Balance on Amazon.com. And no, I’m not fishing for free merch. I don’t want any of that stuff.
Things were not rosy at team Joshua M.’s table. He and Anya constantly disparaged Becky’s ideas, which seemed to revolve around ruching and ugliness. Joshua M. wanted Becky to be the sewing work horse, yet not contribute to design. Anya made Becky sew jersey for her because Anya had never done it. Damn, y’all. Joshua M. was a straight-up asshole to Becky. I get that he hates her stuff, but I don’t believe there’s a chapter in the leadership handbook called “Belittle and Win!” At one point, Joshua M. refused to allow Becky to design anything, saying “You do dowdy dresses. You know that,” and “Her demographic is forty to death.” OH SNAP. Then, after she (rightfully) huffed away, he followed her out of the room and tried to convince her that “dowdy” totally isn’t a bad thing. Sure, Joshua M! Dowdy is good! And pizza is diet food! And we all live in the upside-down land of Whoop-De-Doo, where the pets are gummy bears who poo glitter money. Yup, it was dramz, dramz, dramz as far as the eye could see. He eventually offered an apology, but it was about as sincere as my love of Heidi’s shoes.
I officially adore Bryce for coining the phrase “Klum of Doom.” He, Kimberly, and Danielle got nit-picked by Heidi when she examined their progress and basically had to start all over again.
Team Anthony, Laura, and Bert got along well, except for the Gollum creeping about the work space, muttering and cursing. (The Gollum was not Laura.) For example, Bert screwed up Anthony’s name, because Bert only remembers the names of people he considers significant. Charming Mr. Bert is going to release a book next year called How to Lose Friends and Oh, Just Go to Hell Already.
Viktor, Olivier, and Joshua C. designed some horrid gathered-waist long skirt that Heidi tried on and mocked. Not even the cuteness factor of these three twee designers together could save it, for if there’s anything a figure doesn’t need, it’s the bulk of a giant waistband.
It seemed like all the designers were confused because Heidi said “think fashion,” but then went to the work room and complained when the clothes weren’t good for workouts and were too fancy for her
vomitous adorable denim sneakers. I, too, was confused. Making clothes that go nicely with her shoes is like fitting a dainty dress to an octopus. You fail, and you’re left with a really pissed-off octopus.
Toward the end of the work night/morning, Joshua M. and Bert got in a snippy pissing contest over a sewing machine. I thought they were going to have to settle the fight as gentlemen used to do, with sergers at dawn.
The guest judge for this episode was Erin Wasson, a model and designer. She didn’t contribute much of anything, so I shan’t mention her again.
Anthony designed what I can only call “Grecian God-ass.”
It was a drapey… shorts… pajamas… um… (I’m just sitting here shaking my head no, no, no.) These unfortunate shorts elicited a gasp of ennui and pain from poor Michael Kors. The model looked like a house elf on the run from Lucius Malfoy. Give that girl a sock!
An ugly, long ruffle vest topped Laura’s trainwreck of cacophonous fabrics and boring separates. Actually, Bert’s look was the only one out of the three that didn’t make me recall my dinner. The asymmetrical blue top and charcoal mini were too fancy for the shoes, but it was so much better than the doo-doo that preceded it, I was beyond quibbling. In front of the judges Bert bullied the other two designers and delighted when they were torn asunder by the panel. Anthony said that before Bert, the last time he was that pissed off was at his cancer. Ouch. Bert: officially as irritating as cancer.
Team Joshua M., Anya, and Becky: Joshua M. turned out yet another long vest (Oh, dear Jebus above I hate pointless, swishy vests. Yes, I know they’re hot right now. I don’t care.), this one appearing to be made of stripes of black suede. Nina and Michael liked it. I thought it looked like the lazy love child of Janis Joplin and a bear.
Becky’s outfit: an ill-fitting tank and a mini. She was doomed from the start and I don’t see how she can really take the blame for any of it. The long dress of Anya’s was certainly the most interesting and striking of the bunch, and likely the only one I’ll remember in days to come. I think this is how you do a maxi dress for athletic wear, although the sewing on the pink stripe was dreadful.
Viktor, Olivier, and Joshua C. turned out a pretty nice collection, and without anyone having to hold anyone else’s earrings.
Joshua C. made the harness-looking top that went with Olivier’s cigarette pants, which turned out adorably. The top is not really my style, but the look is cute. Olivier’s sack-skirt still didn’t work. Why didn’t he listen to Klum and Doom? Viktor’s leather and denim motorcycle jacket was the breakout star of the show, and it paired delightfully with a sporty little dress, also by him. The dress had a wrinkled quality to it that contrasted well with the fierceness of the motorcycle jacket. The judges liked this collection, and why not?
Bryce, Kimberly, and Danielle’s collection was zippy, full of snap details and black suede. Those things sound weird when you think “tennis shoes,” but it worked. Kind of a “bad-ass girl in your gym class who made sex jokes you didn’t understand and got her period a year before anyone else” look.
Bryce’s gray dress turned out beautifully – snaps and seaming and snazz. It was a bit fancier, like Bert’s outfit, but it worked with the sneakers in a way that Bert’s just didn’t. Kors described Danielle’s turquoise tank as “a souffle that flopped,” and I agree. She needs to step away from the chiffon — I think she missed her calling as a costumer on Designing Women. Kimberly designed the shorts and the black skirt, and they stood up to critique, if they didn’t blow anyone away.
The winner was Viktor, naturally, for his darling dress/ motorcycle dress confection. His outfit will be sold for Heidi Klum for New Balance. Also a winner was Joshua M., for the maxi dress Anya designed. Um, what? It, too, will be sold exclusively on Amazon.com. In his celebration of
Anya’s his success, he called teammate Becky by the wrong name. Stay classy, Joshua.
Sad panda of the week goes to Danielle, and deservedly so. I won’t miss her wilted blouses.
I don’t you about you, Persephoneers, but after all that backstabbing I need a hug. I wonder if my cat will remember my name…