I have always been a fan of breakfast food for dinner, so when I wasn’t too upset when I failed both Saturday and Sunday mornings to make the pancakes I had been planning; I knew they would make a delicious meal at a later point in the day sometime during the week. And they did!
Before my relationship with food became somewhat antagonistic, I used to make cottage cheese pancakes pretty frequently. That fact played a big role in influencing my decision to pick them as a recipe for recovery kitchen. Even though I do want to challenge myself by getting into the kitchen (and out of my comfort zone), I want to make sure I don’t push myself too far by choosing a recipe that is really unfamiliar, or triggering, or risky in some other way. Once I finished the pancakes, though, I realized that I must have made them differently in the past–this time around they were good, but a little bit eggy. I definitely hadn’t noticed that about them previously. Also (and probably related to the egginess), they were kind of dense–not nearly as light and fluffy as I tend to like my pancakes. But! My fiancÃ© (also known as my kitchen partner) and I threw some sliced bananas in with them, and that was enough to keep them tasting more delicious than eggy. Good enough for me!
I have to be honest, though, and admit that in spite of enjoying breakfast for dinner, and in spite of picking a recipe I knew I liked, this week was still difficult for me. I put the cooking off until the last minute, and was still trying to come up with excuses while we unpacked grocery bags full of ingredients in the kitchen. I’ve been feeling pretty stressed out lately, and consequently food-related matters have been a little strained. I’ve had many a day in the past week when I’ve wished I could just go back to my restrictive habits. Luckily, I am able to recognize at this point that restricting isn’t going to solve the problems I’m dealing with, and it certainly won’t make my life easier. There’s nothing positive to be gained from losing weight by drastically limiting my food intake, and I am glad that there’s a big part of me that can see that, and can resist the temptation to give in, even though it can get pretty strong.
What ended up being nice (and unexpected) in light of all this was how pleasant it turned out to be to cook. Going into the kitchen with a clear idea of what I would be taking out of it when I was done helped ease some of the anxiety I’d been experiencing. I was able to spend time with my fiancÃ©, catch up with him on things that have been going on recently, and relax a little bit. I found it a little easier to stop worrying about some of the other things going on because I had a task and a purpose as my focus. This helped me to believe that if I continue putting an effort in to cook, I might actually get to a point where I start to enjoy it again. If nothing else, it should at least become less daunting, and less painful.
Coming up next week: beer bread!