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Something Borrowed

We start out with Ginnifer Goodwin getting a surprise party thrown for her by her best friend, Kate Hudson! She doesn’t seem happy about it, but I can’t tell if that’s her real feeling or bad acting. Apparently it’s real. “See what happens when you sleep with people you don’t love” is a line Ginnifer actually tells John Krasinski after he hides from some lady he slept with. Slut-shaming bingo!! A+ movie! Good start.

Kate gets up to give a speech about her best friend and we immediately see that Kate is supposed to be a major bitch, but in that sly “backhanded compliment” way. Kate makes everything all about her, and we learn that apparently Kate met her future husband through Ginnifer. Then, she insults Ginnifer’s shoes! She seems awesome. This is what real female friendships are like.

Ginnifer is going through a life crisis and is ranting at John Krasinski”“ she can’t have kids anymore because she is 30!! AH!! Please, no one go back in time and tell my mother! She runs into Kate’s Future Husband when he comes back to find Kate’s purse. “Dudes aren’t supposed to know that” quips John after Ginnifer tells him the price of a purse. Sweet gender policing! This is definitely a rom-com, heavy on the com! (P.S. this is really a vom-vom ““ no comedy or romance, just projectile vomiting.)

Now the movie goes on to establish that Ginnifer thinks she is ugly. This movie is really awesome. If she is ugly then I am the barnacle on a manatee’s left nut (P.S. ““ I am not a barnacle on a manatee’s left nut). She talks to Kate’s Future Husband and it comes out (over beers, of course) that Ginnifer had a crush on Kate’s Future Husband when they were in law school together. Kate’s Future Husband gets them a cab immediately ““ and then he kisses her! And then she kisses him back all passionate-like! Drama! I don’t know enough about them to care!

They spend the night together, either having sex or wrapping each other in bed linens up to their chins, and Kate’s Future Husband has to rush back home and smooth things over with Kate who is (understandably) upset that he didn’t come home that night. Ginnifer gets scared that Kate will find out that she slept with Kate’s Future Husband, effectively ruining their friendship (why she wants to stay friends with Kate is beyond me, given Kate’s characterization).

Ginnifer has another law school flash back. She and Kate’s Future Husband are so in puppy love! Talking and laughing while studying torts! I’d rather study torte, but to each their own (har har). Kate crashes a dinner Ginnifer and Kate’s Future Husband are having to celebrate finishing the class and demands six shots of tequila and a game of Truth-or-Dare (like a real adult!). Kate dares Kate’s Future Husband to ask Ginnifer on a date, Ginnifer shoots down the suggestion with, “We’re just friends!” so then Kate dare’s Kate’s Future Husband to ask her out and that’s the start of that relationship.

At some point, someone makes this bogus statement: “You’re 30, you can’t afford to be picky.” BULLSHIT. DUMB. BULLSHIT. LADIES, SHOOT FOR THE STARS, regardless of your age, you deserve a good life partner if you so desire one. If this is the shit that movies MARKETED TOWARDS WOMEN spew all over the place, then who needs enemies? Jesus (P.S. the question was rhetorical, the “Jesus” is just a sign of exasperation, not an answer to the question).

Kate and Kate’s Future Husband and Ginnifer and John and Kate’s Future Husband’s friend, who I will call D-Bag, are going to the Hamptons. Kate acts like a 17-year-old and it isn’t cute, which I think is the point, but it is also hella frustrating. She doesn’t do anything bad ““ she’s just self-absorbed and entitled.

Rich White People Montage with an alt-rock theme! What a treat! I am glad that the movie is two minutes longer because I got to see this important, moving, and rocking scene. God, they are insufferable.

Now Ginnifer is all mopey because she is seeing Kate be all lovey with Kate’s Future Husband. So she gets high with the D-Bag ““ see kids, drugs will solve all of your problems, at least temporarily (P.S. ““ don’t do drugs). Then Ginnifer and D-Bag watch a porno which they turn off so they can hear Kate and Kate’s Future Husband have sex. Is this what normal people do?

John continues to be a jerk to the woman he slept with. He pretends to be gay to avoid talking to her about the fact that they slept together. He is also a D-Bag. This movie is all about D-Bags and the D-Bags who tolerate them. Of course the woman he slept with sees this as a challenge. So. Great morals all around.

So anyway, Ginnifer leaves because she can’t stand being around Kate and Kate’s Future Husband all lovey and porny. At Kate’s request Ginnifer goes to listen to a ’90s cover band Kate wants for her wedding. She was supposed to meet up with Kate, but Kate was getting Botox instead, so Ginnifer bumps into Kate’s Future Husband and they talk deeply and soulfully to the cheesiest background music of all time. Kate’s Future Husband declares how much he loved Ginnifer, which, dude, come on ““ don’t date someone for six years and then get engaged to them while holding a torch for someone you never dated. Then he demands Ginnifer tells him how she feels about him. Ginnifer tells him it’s too late, which should be the end of the movie, but it isn’t. I can’t even with this movie any more.

Then Kate’s Future Husband follows Ginnifer out of the bar and kisses her in the middle of the street. The stock footage for this scene is fully of taxis and is poorly chosen because the couple could get run down at any moment (and my desire for this to happen is more than I can bear). Anyway, Ginnifer declares her love for Kate’s Future Husband. So he invites her to the Hamptons with them this weekend.

Side note: the acting is so wooden, I have no idea if the characters are bored or the actors are. I get the impression it’s both. Everyone wants out of this disaster of a movie.

Ginnifer gets jealous of Kate dancing with Kate’s Future Husband (which makes sense) so she starts aggressively dancing up on D-Bag. It’s just like in Parks and Rec (Jean Ralphio! Dance up on me!) but without any signs of humor or humanity. The dancing up scene is so awkward, and not hilarious, even when they start saying the word “vagina.” My first rule of film-making: saying “vagina” doesn’t make something automatically funny.

Kate’s Future Husband suggests that the two of them take 4th of July weekend to figure out what is going on with them. Ginnifer goes on a walk with John before she responds to Kate’s Future Husband. While on the walk, John is encouraging of Ginnifer and tells her that Kate would say yes if the roles were reversed, because we need more evidence that Kate is terrible (but mostly it seems like John has issues).

Ginnifer balks initially, but when she helps Kate with her vows, she becomes convinced that she has to see Kate’s Future Husband. So, the 4th of July is a go.

While on this epic weekend, Ginnifer admits, “I just didn’t think someone like you could like someone like me.” Girl, I don’t even know. It’s not that I can’t relate on some level because I can. I am a grade A weirdo and I am not everyone’s Magic Beans. But come on. That is a ridiculous statement.

And this is why there is conflict in this movie. Ginnifer “The Ugly One” Goodwin doesn’t think anyone would want to date her because she is a lawyer and bookish and her friend Kate is blonde and fun. But it turns out that the man of her dreams AKA Kate’s Future Husband prefers Ginnifer to Kate! I am tired of this trope. It reinforces the idea that women need men to prove their worth. It reinforces the idea of what a woman should be and how she should behave. It’s 100% bullshit.

Anyway, after a night of illicit boners, Ginnifer and Kate’s Future Husband run into Kate’s Future Husband’s parents in a park. While at brunch, Kate’s Future Husband’s dad tells him that doing what you want is at odds with doing what’s right, so he (Kate’s Future Husband) needs to end it with Ginnifer.

John and Ginnifer have a fight because Ginnifer is just waiting around for Kate’s Future Husband. Then John reveals he’s moving to London. I don’t care, but I thought I’d keep you up to date. After this Ginnifer goes to hang out with D-Bag for no good reason and she finds out that Kate and Kate’s Future Husband were shopping for $2 million houses and Ginnifer realizes that Kate’s Future Husband has been avoiding her since his talk with his dad. But! Kate’s Future Husband decides to stop ignoring Ginnifer on the night that Kate decides to spend the night with Ginnifer. Perfect timing! He calls and says he wants to come up, but Ginnifer warns him away and Kate and Ginnifer have a dance party.

People don’t live in the past as much as this movie implies they do. Also, the dance scene to Salt-N-Pepa almost ruins Salt-N-Pepa. I hate everyone.

And I really have trouble watching this movie. If someone expects monogamy from their partner, and you are best friends with that someone, well, under these circumstances, I think it’s not good to sleep with your best friend’s partner. I don’t like anyone here and I don’t see why I would be friends with these people, let alone listen to their self-involved bullshit.

Anyway, after their fun sleepover, Kate admits that she cheated on Kate’s Future Husband. So I guess this make’s Ginnifer’s actions OK. Also, John is berating Ginnifer now for I don’t even know what. John is telling her to go after Kate’s Future Husband. He has some unresolved issues that this movie has spent no time whatsoever exploring.

And they all go back to the Hamptons because that’s what happens in this movie and I don’t know why they’re there, maybe it’s just a weekend? While there, they’re play angry badminton! I didn’t know you could make badminton angry! They’re talking about secrets and Kate’s Future Husband and Ginnifer are scared that their secret will be spilled. John starts yelling again, probably from sun exposure or something. Everyone is angry at everyone else and they take their bad attitudes to the bar and then Ginnifer walks out on Kate’s Future Husband and into the rain. Because this movie doesn’t have enough clichés. Before she walks out, she says, “Forget what you’re supposed to do ““ do what you want to do.” Lady, there was a whole Simpsons episode dedicated to why this is a bad idea.

Anyway, we get a montage of past Ginnifer moments and so she runs back through the rain to declare her love for Kate’s Future Husband and tells him to cancel the wedding and be with her. And he tells her he can’t. This should be the end of the movie. But there’s more.

So we get a Lonely Lady montage which ends with a London Traffic montage because Ginnifer decides to visit John in London. She gives him a bag from the Shake Shack ““ it’s either the warmest milkshake or the coldest burger ever. Ugh. Kate doesn’t take the news of Ginnifer being in London well. But Ginnifer says “no” to her! Like she finally grew a backbone or something? I guess.

Ginnifer is still hung up on Kate’s Future Husband, but John declares his love for Ginnifer (claiming he loved her even more when another guy came into the picture, so whatever). Are we supposed to be cheering for him? He played angry badminton! And pretended to be gay to avoid talking to a girl! At least he realizes that Ginnifer loves someone else.

Ginnifer decides to go back for the wedding because she wants to support her best friend (yes, because that makes the fact that you slept with her fiancé OK). She finds Kate’s Future Husband waiting in front of her apartment. She dismisses him by saying, “She deserves better, so do you, so do I,” and he responds with, “I called off the wedding.”

Another overly long, boring, terrible conversation about relationships occurs now. Ginnifer has made Kate’s (no longer) Future Husband realize he needs to go after what he wants, and he is oh-so-grateful. They kiss and then Kate shows up (but Kate’s (no longer) Future Husband hides in time) and tells Ginnifer that she’s been sleeping with the D-Bag and she’s carrying his child (that’s what happens when you have sex, y’all!). And then she leaves. So we’re supposed to breathe a sigh of relief but BUT OH NO. She comes back because she noticed Kate’s (no longer) Future Husband’s jacket.  She finds him hiding in Ginnifer’s apartment and tells both of them that she hates them. So that worked out well.

I thought the movie was over but nope! Two months later, Ginnifer and Kate run into each other on the street. Ginnifer has “won” ““ Kate is obviously sad and lashes out at Ginnifer. I don’t understand why Kate got so much shit thrown on her. Yeah, she’s obnoxious, but so is Ginnifer. They’re both terrible people. This is a very poorly thought out morality play.

Please never watch this movie.

9 replies on “Something Borrowed”

I hate romcoms with the fire of a thousand suns. The men are portrayed as dogs or idiots and the women as overemotional messes who can’t be reasoned with and are all desperate for dudes, weddings and babies. No one looks good in romcoms, much less date-able. The end result is to make me feel stabby, not romantic. This one looked no different.

So obviously I loved the review. Nice job!

I really hate that this book/movie “addresses” the way women reaching their thirties feel inadequate if they are single childless. I am sorry, but this is not some sort of universal theme in the female experience. This is only a “theme” because crap books/films like this insist on making it one.

ohhhhhmyyyyygawd. THIS MOVIE.

Is such a piece of crap. I don’t even know.

I actually read the book before watching the movie, and while I can’t get over the phrase “making love” (ugh, REALLY?)–the book did explore a certain type of female relationship relatively well, IMO. And that’s where the movie failed the most.

(SPOILERS-ISH) In the book, it, very clearly, is not a friendship, or at least a healthy one. I often wondered why Rachel stayed by Darcy’s side, but after knowing someone since they are 7 (or some age around that), the history kind of becomes the crutch of the relationship–a way to prolong its taint. Sad to say, but I’ve known girls and women like Darcy (in the book), and I felt that…the author captured the fragile nature of their relationship quite well. Now, Rachel’s spinelessness, Dex’s spinelessness, and just Rachel and Dex’s characterization in general is atrocious. And their cheating isn’t automatically excusable because Darcy is a horrible person. That’s something I didn’t budge from since I opened the book. However, the way that it was dealt with in the end was…surprisingly realistic. I won’t spoil that for anyone here, but it was very different from the movie. Yes, it left me with a feeling of…”That’s it?” but then I realized that, sometimes, when friendships break down, you don’t have that chance to say everything you want to say and, sometimes, it isn’t worth it.

Do I have a problem with the fact that these types of books are the only books that seem to be turned into movies with a female lead (ugh, am I even making sense by saying that?)? You bet your ass I am. But the book itself isn’t too bad. It’s just the fact that it’s one of many. Kind of like a Taylor Swift song…I don’t necessarily have a problem with the song itself, but within the context of many songs that feature certain themes, which are, in term within the context of a society that has certain expectations of women–that’s what I hate about her songs, and that’s what I disliked about this book–it was one of many.

I hope I’m making sense!

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