Welcome to our newest feature on Persephone Magazine, Deus ex MacIntosh, where I use TV to solve your problems. Today’s question was culled from an email conversation among the editors. Please note, take the following advice with both a grain of salt and with your tongue in your cheek. I’m typically funnier than I am helpful.
The people in my Facebook feed are really starting to get on my nerves. I’ve blocked everyone I can get away with, but it still leaves a stream of people who say horrible, awful things without thinking. How can TV help me with this?
Wall of Suck
First, let me say how sorry I am that your Facebooking has been tainted by, well, taints. This is why I never use Facebook. When I want to know what my social circle had for dinner or thinks about people who are different than they are, I’ll just ask. Do understand the appeal, however, so let’s turn to TV to see what we should do.
I think our best choice here is Little House on the Prairie. Laura was always being thwarted by her frenemy, Nellie Oleson. Fortunately for Laura, the pioneer version of Facebook involved walking a few miles of dusty road or hopping in a buggy. Can you imagine Nellie Oleson’s Facebook page?
The first episode we’ll use to address your issue, WoS, is called “Bunny.” In a previous episode, Laura sold her horse, Bunny, to Mr. Oleson so she could buy her Pa a kidney or something. In “Bunny,” Nellie rubs the fact that she now owns Laura’s horse in her face. While riding Bunny recklessly through a hilly field of wildflowers, Nellie’s hubris gets the best of her, as does Bunny, and she crashes into a tree. Nellie is knocked out, and when she wakes up, she decides to milk her injury for all it’s worth, convincing her parents, the Ingalls and the not-quite-as-sharp-as-butter Doc Baker that she is paralyzed. Nellie’s brother Willie and Laura both eventually figure out her scam, and Nellie is briefly yelled at by her mother.
Laura also had a fine habit of challenging folks to fishing contests, since she could catch fish in a dirt pile. This might also be an option.
Finally, in the season 6 episode “Back to School,” Laura and Nellie are competing for the affections of Almanzo “Manly” Wilder, who is at least ten years older than both of them and looks like the poor man’s Luke Skywalker. This issue is resolved the old fashioned way, in a wrestling match between the two young women in a creek full of mud.
What can we learn from this, WoS? First, we’ll need a plan. Or three.
Your options, according to Laura, are these:
1. Get a horse
2. Sell horse to enemy to buy your Pa a kidney
3. Wait for fate and a large tree to intervene.
1. Learn to fish.
2. Challenge enemy to a fishing match.
1. Mud wrestle your enemy in a creek full of mud in a long floral dress.
Hope this helps!
Selena “Deus ex” MacIntosh
Do you need TV to help you solve a problem? Drop me a question here, and TV and I can fix it.