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Deus ex MacIntosh: My Mom Hates My Fiance

Welcome back to Deus ex MacIntosh, where I help you solve your pressing life issues with the help of my encyclopedic knowledge of television.  Remember: this column is purely for entertainment purposes, and I’m not responsible if you decide to follow any of my terrible advice.  

Dear Selena,

My mom hates my fiance, and she’s making my life miserable.  She hates his hair, hates how he talks, hates how he puts ketchup on eggs, hates his car, she hates just about everything about him. How can I get her to butt out without hurting her feelings?

Signed,

Loves Them Both

Dear LTB:

That’s a tough one, but I think I can help, with the assistance of ’80s-’90s classic, Roseanne. Roseanne, if you’ll recall, hated Mark, Becky’s boyfriend/husband.  Mark seemed like the type of fella who’d put ketchup on eggs; I bet we can solve this.

Plan A: Break up, frequently.

Becky and Mark were like oil and water during the early days of their relationship, which wasn’t helped by Roseanne’s meddling.  When your mom meddles too much, temporarily dump your dude and spend a day listening to bad hair bands and crying your eyes out.  This will be much more annoying to your mom than anything your dude might do, making the idea of him more palatable.

Plan B: Run away on the worst day of your parents’ life and elope.

Mark and Becky did just this, on the day Becky’s dad, Dan, had a going out of business sale for his bike shop, which had been his lifelong dream.

Sure, your parents might have enough other things to worry about that eloping is like rubbing salt in an open wound, but think of what you’ll save on flowers and thank you notes.

Plan 3: Replace yourself with someone who sort of looks like you.

While a last resort, recasting yourself is always an option. Sure, you’ll be giving your quasi-doppleganger your family, your home, your man and all your clothes, but hey, fresh start, clean slate.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Selena

By [E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

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