Deus ex MacIntosh: Unrequited

Welcome back to Deus ex MacIntosh, where I put hours of wasting my time in front of the television to good use – by solving your problems. As always, this column is for entertainment purposes only, actually following any of my advice is a terrible idea.  To the letter! 

Dear Selena,

I have a huge crush on a cute co-worker, and they don’t even know I exist. How can I get them to notice me, without resorting to something creepy?

Dear Reader,

TV is rife with examples of your exact situation, the hardest part of answering your question was deciding which  example to use. In the spirit of our BSG recaps, however, I’ve settled on the perfect choice. Lee “Apollo” Adama.

Apollo spent four seasons pining for Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, but was thwarted by a number of obstacles to her heart.

• She was engaged to his dead brother.
• His father treated her like a daughter.
• She only returned his feelings periodically.
• Her husband, his wife, killer robots and the end of humanity.

Let’s look at the various ways Lee tried to make Starbuck his special girl, and the effectiveness of each.

Plan A: Blow up a Cylon Basestar and take all the tyllium. (“Hand of God” 1.10)

Pro: You’ll look like a badass, and can pretend to be Luke Skywalker blowing up the Death Star at the end of Star Wars IV.

Con: The world will need to be destroyed by killer robots first. You’ll need to know how to fly a spaceship that hasn’t actually been invented.

Odds: 33:1

Plan B: Bide your time with a space hooker. (“Black Market” 2.14)

Pro: No emotional entanglements.

Con: A cursory scan of Craigslist indicates a scarcity of space hookers. Potential for run-ins with the space mob.

Odds: 3300:1

Plan C: Marry someone else, get a promotion you don’t want and spend a year wallowing in self-pity and daddy issues. Challenge your crush to a boxing match. (“Unfinished Business” 3.09)

Pro: Hot Hot Helo might hotly guide you back into fighting shape in the space between two episodes.

Con: Everything else.

Odds: 33:1

Plan 4: Stage a coup. (“Kobol’s Last Gleaming pt. 2” 1.13) 

Pro: Standing up for your beliefs is always attractive.

Con: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an ovary.

Odds: 330:1

Hope this helps!

Love,

Selena

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