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Inexplicable Events: Q-Tips, Spoons and Lizards

I like to understand things.  I’m interested in how machines work, why bread rises and why people do the things they do.  Because I’m interested, and I have the wide world of Google at my fingertips, there are very few things that I am at a complete loss to explain.  However, I’ll admit it, sometimes my house baffles me.  Here are a few things that, no matter how hard I try, continue to defy logical explanation:

  • Q-Tips.  I do not understand the antithetical nature of Q-Tips and trash cans.  I have thrown a swab directly into the trash and watched it pop back out, for no visible reason.  It would be spooky if it wasn’t so frustrating.  I have come up with two hypotheses.  Either there is an anti-Q-Tip force field built into every trash can, or there is a tribe of Trash Can Gnomes living in there who use cotton swabs as ballistic weapons in their never-ending war with the Grout Pixies.  Honestly, both seem equally likely to me.
  • Spoons.  Everyone knows that socks go missing for no apparent reason, but in my house we also lose spoons.  Teaspoons to be specific.  We have piles of soup spoons, but at any given time, I can only find three teaspoons.  I don’t know where they go, but they disappear within 48 hours of entering the house. Again, I have two theories.  It is possible that they have all been sucked into the black hole that exists in our couch cushions.  I imagine we could pick up the sofa and shake it a little and a torrent of spoons will come raining down.  Or, they are routinely purloined by Trash Can Gnomes for the construction of Q-Tip catapults.
  • Lizards.  I know for a fact that, when all the windows and doors are closed, there are no access points large enough to admit a lizard into the house.  Nevertheless, I have woken up to find a lizard in my bathroom.  We’ve also had squirrels in the attic, but I understand that happens to lots of people.  The first time I found an unexpected reptile, I learned that, while I am not afraid of lizards, I am very much afraid of touching lizards.  I caught that poor thing four times.  Every single time, as soon as I touched it I yelped and snatched my hand away.  Eventually I had to go and get a big glass that I could herd him into, so I could transport him safely outside.  By that time the cat had noticed that something was going on, and I’m pretty sure Mr. Greentail was happy to go back outside.  My son has posited the theory that the Grout Pixies smuggle lizards into the house for their cavalry.

As you can see, there is only one common thread linking all my mysterious events.  I am forced to accept that there is a pitched and epic battle taking place in my bathroom. Why are they fighting?  Who will win?  Who do I want to win?  I don’t know.  I just wish they would leave me a few more teaspoons.

We feast tonight, my brothers, for tomorrow we fight!

By [E]SaraB

Glass artisan by day, blogger by night (and sometimes vice versa). SaraB has three kids, three pets, one husband and a bizarre sense of humor. Her glass pendants can be found at www.etsy.com/shop/AngryOwlStudio if you're interested in checking it out.

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