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My Boyfriends Have a New Treat For You

Everyone’s favorite Vermont-based ice cream company, Ben & Jerry, is rolling out a new treat for you based on an SNL classic skit just in time for the holidays: Schweddy Balls.

I KNOW, RIGHT!? I totally cracked up when I heard about it, too. Plus, it sounds delicious: rum-vanilla ice cream with malted rum & chocolate balls? Give. Me. Some. O. Dat.

Of course, as with all things that bring us cheer in this great nation, like the repeal of DADT, the Buffet Tax, and drag shows, there’s a conservative organization out to rain on this delicious parade and remind us of why we can’t have nice things. That’s right: One Million Moms is pissed off that our children are being exposed to the filth of Schweddy’s delicious, delicious Balls. They note, sniffily, referring back to the Hubby Hubby gay-marriage-celebrating ice cream from last year, “It seems that offending customers has become an annual tradition for Ben & Jerry’s.”

Well, One Million Moms, protect little Jimmy and Sally from Ben & Jerry’s all you want. The rest of us are going to enjoy our flaming homosexual, left-leaning comedy celebrating, innuendo-laced ice cream, and we’re going to feel smugly liberal because we like the company’s values, and we’re going to get some tasty treats out of it, too.

But in all seriousness: an ice cream flavor based on a well known, light-hearted skit is “vulgar,” “repulsive,” and “offensive”? Isn’t there some pro-gun rally you should be taking your kids to, or some abortion clinic you’re supposed to have little Sally protesting before she can even understand what’s going on? Can’t you leave our ice cream alone? This is America! Land of the sprinkle, home of the parfait, and I want my ice cream with an extra dollop of Alec-Baldwin-NPR-Spoofing on the side.

By Meghan Young Krogh

Meghan had a number of quality writing mentors over the course of her education, which just goes to show that you can't blame the teacher for the way the student turns out. Team Oxford Comma represent.

15 replies on “My Boyfriends Have a New Treat For You”

Oh sweet baby pearl-clutching Jesus. BARE ARMED LESBIAN FATTIES WANT TO EAT YOUR BABIES. AFTER DUNKING THEM IN SCHWEDDY BALLS SIN FLAVORED ICE CREAM.

I think I see Persephone’s first internet ice cream social on our horizon.

ETA: I followed the link and the links from the link to get to the OMM FB page about the Lane Bryant boycott, my all caps rantiness above seems a bit extreme, without context.

I was unfamiliar with One Million Moms, so I googled it, and wow….. they want Walgreens and Rite Aid to stop selling vibrators on their websites?! How or why is a kid even going to go onto the Walgreens website?

This is the thing that kills me, if they are so worried about children being influenced by the evils of “Schweddy Balls,” or Harry Potter, or anything else that a certain segment of conservatives have recently flipped out about,  then wouldn’t the logical thing be to talk to their kids about why they find it problematic and then let them make their own decision? I don’t think society needs to be sanitized, rather, parents need to teach their kids the differences between right and wrong and how to come to those conclusions in their own lives.

Yeah. The problem with people who want to “sanitize” society, as you so appropriately put it, is that they’re always two steps away from “sanitizing” society of ANY kind of diversity – sexual, religious, racial, economic. (Hey, I don’t think that’s a reach with an organization who is protesting DWTS for having Chaz Bono on, or is furious with Ben & Jerry’s not just for Schweddy Balls but also for their Hubby Hubby flavor.)

I agree with you 110% about the desire to sanitize society from certain things like HP/Schweddy bally etc is very very close to wanting no one with any alternate view hidden. The Chaz Bono this really bothers me, because I think DWTS presents a great opportunity to talk to kids about alternate sexuality, but OMM would prefer that hidden, and rather create another generation of bigots.

Don’t like Schweddy Balls? Don’t buy it.

If you have the time and energy to protest ice cream, you really should be counting your blessings, and spending a little time and energy thinking of something that is actually seriously harmful to the world.

And I agree with Luci Furious. Even if they do get it, so what? They’re going to giggle a little and be done with it. I don’t think it’s going to be a major issue in their life.

IMO if you’re kids know enough to get the joke, then you already failed at “protecting them.”  If they don’t get it, then congrats, you did your job, and they’re not going to pick up on it.  They’re also going to be the most boring kid at every party, but that’s the price you pay for avoiding satire.

Yesterday I made it my mission to be banned from the OMM Facebook page. Between my posts on their Schweddy Balls boycott, DWTS boycott, and Playboy Club boycott, I was highly successful! I’m not even liberal! Just a believer that if something upsets you, you can change the channel or not buy it, but why ruin everyone else’s fun? My favorite part of the whole ordeal was that someone told me being “anti-gay is not hateful.” Logic, you’re doing it wrong. But I was banned, so… c’est la vie.

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