1. annoying and pointless effort on the part of a Project Runway group of designers to alienate the audience and produce nothing of value. It is a commonly held belief that “teamwork” was responsible for Hammer pants.
2. a concept created by Heidi Klum as part of her sadistic efforts to take over the world one long-legged stride at a time.
As we opened our scene upon our rising designers, we heard the call for, “Bitter, party of one!” Joshua M. stepped right up and huffed his way to his table, filled with appetizers of cala-moaney and bruschetta made with cry bread. He was verklempt and whining because he came in second place last week. It’s official: I hate Joshua M. He’s arrogant, he’s obnoxious, and I’m angry that he does not have a unique name and I’m forced to type M. after his moniker. And he’s got stupid hair.
I had my own pity party when Heidi announced they would be working in two teams of five. With no team leaders. You know what happened next. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
But I soldiered on, much like the mighty Gunn does, even when confronted by polyester.
The teams were as follows. I gave them fun names so that we can all keep track. Ready?
Team Attractively Inter-Continental: Anthony, Anya, Viktor, Olivier, Bryce
Team Destined for Hair-Pulling: Joshua M., Laura, Kimberly, Becky, Bert
When chosen for Team Hair-Pulling, Bert said, “That’s the bad news.” Heidi called him out on it and he backed away and pretended he hadn’t said anything negative. Oh, Bert. A proper villain owns his waspish tongue! Here’s a hint: just add “yo mama” to the end of all your sentences. That’s what works for me.
This week was the HP/Intel challenge in which they got to use schmancy software to produce their own textiles. I would LOVE to do this, but I shouldn’t. I’d just end up with a dress covered in rainbows and Olivia Newton-John’s face, which would really only be appropriate in the summertime.
But wait, there’s more! No, not more musings about rainbows, but more to the challenge! Each team was responsible for five looks for a fashion show, a video to play during, and music as well. Wow! Now bad taste could extend through all the artistic mediums! It was like Christmas at Lady Gaga’s house.
BUT THE BEST PART OMG was that Betsey Johnson came to give them advice! I just KNOW she would approve of my rainbows-and-Olivia-Newton-John’s-face-fabric in my secret dreamland in which we are best friends and ride unicorns together.
Design for Betsey starts with the girl for whom she’s designing, and then a theme emerges. She says you’ve got to stand for something, and that being cooperative and strong is the key. Throw away “me me me” and go for the team. ONE of our teams completely ignored this advice. Diss the Betsey at your peril, idiots.
Anthony for Team Attractively Inter-Continental suggested an ink-blot sort of design, which sounded way cool. They immediately began holding hands and singing Kum-Ba-Ya, and then Jesus floated down from the heavens to endorse them and serve everyone raspberry lemonade. “Team Chaos” is what they named themselves, which is ironic, because that could be the name for…
Joshua (M.) for Team Hair-Pulling suggested an all-female version of The Village People.
His team immediately began holding hands and then arm-wrestling in an effort to vie for pack leader. Scott Baio floated down from Delusional Island to spit on them and call them shitasses. In the end though, they wisely decided against Village-People-Chic and went with “clocks.”
It’s like they sprayed themselves with Good-Idea Repellent, which, coincidentally, if the name of Taylor Swift’s new perfume.
Oh, and we also learned from Joshua (M.) that he feels that people with dirty mouths are not intelligent. This from a fucker who thinks Lady Village People are the answer? Bitch, please. Joshua (M.) stormed off, mad about… who cares? He’s a complete and total asshole. It was revealed that he’s grieving from a personal tragedy, but I suspect he’s a dick no matter what. He broke down during the challenge and I did feel bad for his pain. I’m not a monster!
In the meantime, Team Attractively Inter-Continental danced and sang and shook their booties in joyous rapture. Their video consisted of chaotic noise and people bustling. Then, they split the video and mirrored it to emulate their ink blot idea. Neato!
The Video for Team Hair-Pulling (or Team Nuts and Bolts, as they called themselves) consisted of Laura running about in Piperlime shoes with Joshua (M.) directing. Thank goodness he got to order someone around for a while. I was afraid he would bust apart in a splooge of puss and lip-curls if his bossy side wasn’t appeased soon. At the end of the first evening he made a big apology. Yes, we’ve seen this before. Color me as unamused as Queen Vicky.
Team Attractively Inter-Continental went so far as to paint some fabric and then press it symmetrically to actually emulate an ink blot across the center seam of the bodice. I thought it was purdy. At the initial glance, their collection was really coming together, and Tim loved it.
Tim also visited with Team Hair-Pulling. He hunted in vain for something good in their fledgling collection. He was as disappointed as a Bible salesman at a hooker convention. As a last-ditch effort, he asked them to join hands and vow to communicate with honesty. I really wasn’t sure if prayer would help them unless there was some soul-selling involved. However, on day two the “oh, shits!” must have moved in, for they began working together a bit more adult-ly.
The speshul judges this week were designer Rachel Roy and actress Rose Byrne. No Betsey. Boooooooooooo. I can’t remember anything Rose Byrne has ever worn, so she’s the perfect Project Runway celebrity judge. Seriously, where’s fucking Janelle Monae? Or Evan Rachel Wood? Can’t we find someone who’s not beige?
Drum roll… and the judging commenced.
Team Destined for Hair-Pulling:
This looked like a 1992 drama about angsty high-schoolers. Any minute one of them was going to have a pregnancy scare that turns out to be nothing, and we’d all learn a valuable lesson. But no lesson ever came. I loathed with the power of a thousand farts Joshua (M.)’s cog-edge jacket. With royal blue beneath it? Ugh! The colors were horrid. Bert’s cog-wheel dress was okay (except for the atrocious length). The cog belts? Awful. It looked like the edging on a costume from Medieval Times. The jumpsuit was okay, but there was something so dowdy about the royal blue/black/white combo (for some reason, Lifetime did not post a runway pic of the jumpsuit – sorry!). Kimberly’s cute-skirted ensemble suffered from the ugly palette and terrible belt, too. However, she was smart enough not to use any of the bullshit prints. And I don’t even know what to say about Becky’s bland, dowdy lime tank and skirt. I think I saw it on the sale rack at Ross. Michael Kors hit the nail on the head for me: way too literal. YES! When will the designers on this show learn that literal = bad? Rachel Roy said, “I don’t want to wear something that says ‘canceled.'” Word. No one wants “canceled” or “delayed” scrawled on their crotch! I’m sorry. The train to coochie-town will be three hours late. Please make other arrangements.
Team Attractively Inter-Continental:
After the bad trip down High School Lane, this collection was a chic breath of fresh air. Anya’s cute, black-sleeve dress wasn’t wildly inventive, but it had taste. I did like the mix of prints in it — it didn’t immediately jump out, but was a nice surprise to notice upon closer examination. Bryce’s outfit was modern casual, with a killer sexy back. Michael Kors thought it too casual for the sophistication of the rest of the collection. Anthony’s librarian was inventive. I loved the rigidity of the prim blouse mixed with the asymmetrically-patterned skirt. Olivier’s tailored jacket and pants suffered from a problem with proportions in my opinion. Kors pointed out that the tailoring on Olivier’s jacket was some of the best he’d ever seen on the show. Nina Garcia wanted to steal it. It was truly lovely (maybe it’s the pants that give me pause…). Viktor’s gown was the absolute best to me. I loved the ink-blot top and the skirt was sleek, sexy, and badass. From therapist’s couch to an evening out – this dress does it all. The back of that skirt flowed so beautifully. The video was wonderful as well.
There was no contest this week – Team Attractively Inter-Continental wiped the floor with team The Other Ones.
The winner? Anya. I disagree with this. I think Olivier for his jacket or Viktor for his gown should have won. But they didn’t ask me. They never do! DON’T THEY KNOW WHO I AM?
The loser (wah wah wah) was Becky for being boring over and over again. I’m not sorry about it – I just don’t think she’s a good designer. But she had a great attitude and took a lot of shit with grace. I wish her well.
My only hope for next week is that someone finds a muzzle for Joshua (M.)
What did you love, Persephoneers? Tell me in the comments! And which outfit from Team Crappy would you choose if you lost a bet?