Deus ex MacIntosh: Winning an Internet Argument

Dear Selena,

How can TV help me win an Internet argument?

Signed,

Loaded for Bear, Needs Outlet

LfBNO,

This will be fun.

I would be remiss if I didn’t begin by telling you that much like globothermal nuclear war, tic tac toe, and holiday meals with family, the only way to win is to not play.

Everyone thinks they win an Internet argument, evidenced by the relative scarcity of participants who even consider the idea the other person may be right. Or righter than they are. Since we’re here, however, I think I can help.

Plan A: The Sugarbaker

Julia Sugarbaker is a force of nature. Julia Sugarbaker doesn’t take shit off anyone. Julia Sugarbaker can talk a bear out of shitting in the woods and into a healthy vegan diet. To wit:

Step 1: Begin your argument with a charming anecdote to take your opponent off guard.

Step 2: Establish your position early, and make sure all your assertions match your thesis.

Step 3: Never underestimate the power of gravitas mixed with righteous anger.

Plan B: The Huxtable

When I was 13 years old, I wanted to be a ballerina, POTUS, and Clair Huxtable.

Step 1: Listen to opening arguments carefully and with an open mind. Then, bring it on home.

Sandra owes Clair $79,648.

Step 2: Confront prejudice and ignorance head on with concise, elegant arguments meant to make your opponent cry.

Step 3: Remember that sometimes love means scaring the shit out of those you care about.

Vanessa’s joy ride to Baltimore.

Plan 3: The Turk

When it looks as though arguing any further will be fruitless, sometimes the only thing you can do is dance.

Hope this helps!

Love,

Selena

Do you have a pressing life problem you’d like to see me address with TV? Drop me a line in our handy ask. As with most Internet advice, this column is for entertainment purposes only, and we in no way intend for you to follow any of this advice.