Last week, I got a start on “Project Meet Dudes” completely by surprise. I met a guy at a friend’s birthday party. We started talking because of our mutual distrust of Andrew Cuomo, and it turns out we have mad chemistry. Being drunk was super helpful in that regard. I was being really brave, and I made just as many moves on him as he did on me. After a solid 10 minutes of debating whether or not I should go home him with him, I decided to go the classy route and exchange numbers with him instead. Oh, I also had a 10 am class the next day, and let’s face it, if that weren’t the case, I would have been in a cab with him immediately.
We text back and forth, and the next day he suggests we go out when he returns from a work trip. At this point, I’m super excited. Is this an actual date? I’ve never, ever had a date with someone I didn’t meet off the internet first. This is a milestone for me, truly.
Eventually the date night comes along, and I am feeling all kinds of nervous. Like inexplicably nervous for someone who I’ve only known for 20 minutes while shit-faced, who I already made out with, and who had already declared he thought I was cute and smart (while shit-faced). I met up with him for drinks, and I did really well. I was charming, I was smart, I asked a lot of questions, and I tried to not give a shit as much as possible while also keeping the delicate balance of giving a shit enough.
Before I knew it, the night ended because he was super tired from work, and he walked me to the subway. During this walk, I was pretty sure I was being friend-zoned, because as delightful as the evening had been and as much chemistry as I felt, he hadn’t really gone in for any moves at all, which was a stark contrast to when we first met. When we arrived at my subway station, he took me by surprise by kissing me goodnight. It was really sweet. He said he’d be in touch, and I grinned the entire train ride home.
This was on Thursday night. It’s Sunday, and I haven’t heard from him. What does that mean?!?!?!
I am not a patient girl. Most of my relationships have started in a quick, whirlwindy kind of way, and I rarely get past the first date without at least some heavy petting, and I’ve never made it past the second date without having sex. So this wholesome kiss goodnight and everything has me super duper confused and unsure how to proceed. I mean, if he just wanted to have sex that would have been okay by me. But instead of going in for anything, we talked about things like our work, and our hobbies, and other general get-to-know-you crap. And then he kissed me. And only kissed me. That would qualify as the least effective seducing method I’ve ever seen. I mean, besides the fact that I am now sweating the dude like crazy.
My BFF says to definitely give it “˜til after the weekend, but then the holiday is coming up, so wait until after Thanksgiving. That’s more than a week! That seems like a long time to me.
Last night, other friends said it doesn’t matter so much, as long as I send a benign, friendly text message. This advice appealed to my desperation more so than waiting, and so I sent him a nice text that said I had a good time, and I hoped he was well. That was at 8:12 p.m. last night. As of the time I am writing this, it is 1:23 p.m. the next day, and I haven’t heard a thing.
I mean, REALLY? Why not? He kissed me! You don’t kiss someone unless you are interested in them, right? That is not polite or gentlemanly anymore, because then you are leading a girl on! And if you are interested, you respond to her text messages! I am so confused!
And I couldn’t possibly react to this situation with a cool head and rationality. Nope, he’s not possibly on a camping trip he didn’t tell me about and doesn’t have service, or maybe he lost his phone, or maybe he saw my text message, but didn’t get around to responding yet, or maybe he’s just as neurotic as I am and needs five people to sign off on the text before he sends it”¦ Nope. Instant abandonment issues. Instant “he doesn’t like me waaaah!” Instant “THIS WAS MY LAST CHANCE AT TRUE LOVE.” I am instantly a fucking weirdo about this shit.
Am I totally wrong in being at least kind of upset about not hearing from him yet? Was I totally wrong for sending the text to begin with? Greg Behrendt would probably smack my face if he heard about this. In his “groundbreaking” advice book on men and dating, He’s Just Not That Into You, he strongly advised against women taking absolutely any control or being forward or assertive at all with men. He wrote, “When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.”
Mr. Behrendt would also disagree that what we went out on was a date at all. Apparently going out to a bar for drinks doesn’t count as a date! “Even if you live in New York,” he adds.
I mean, I shouldn’t be reading this. This crap does not boost my confidence; it only makes me more neurotic about the situation.
So, naturally, the next best thing to a self-help book is asking all of my male friends about what to do, because obviously each guy’s psyche is exactly the same, except for Greg Behrendt’s. One friend suggested that he might be seeing someone else. Another suggested that he is totally into me, but may just want to “smash” (I just learned this term also–new phrase for banging). A close friend who is equally as neurotic about this stuff as me, and yet incredibly pessimistic, thought the situation seemed promising.
Dude friend: When did you text him?
Me: Last night.
DF: Yeah dude, sometimes I go this long without looking at my phone. And if I wasnt around it for the noise. Seems to me you’re just in that zone that has become more well-defined to me throughout our conversations wherein ALL IS LOST ABANDON HOPE WOE IS EVERYTHING
DF: Except then he texts and it turns into oh, cool.
Me: I know, you’re probably right
Me: So far, he has been a dream come true
Me: Like too good to be true
DF: Yeah give the dude some time
Me: i didn’t meet him on the internet
Me: He is super communicative (OR SO I THOUGHT)
Me: He is ATTRACTIVE.
Me: He is smart.
DF: Oooh capital letters attractive
Me: YES.
Me: Like I kinda forgot what he looked like honestly
Me: and then I saw him and I was like OH that’s why I was making out with him! Hubba hubba.
Me: I wonder if my text messages are broken.
DF: hahahaha
DF: You DO need to stop reading into this
Me: I mean, he wouldn’t have kissed me if he wasn’t into me, right?
Me: Like he could have easily walked away without kissing me, and it wouldn’t have been weird
DF: If it were me, I certainly wouldn’t do anything like that if I wasnt like YEAH!
Me: Like we hadn’t touched or done anything remotely affectionate throughout the night, and then bam, he kisses me.
Me: THAT MEANS HE LIKES ME IN AWKWARDETTELAND
DF: Yeah and in like, the United States
Me: SO HE FUCKING LIKES ME
Me: DEAR SELF, HE LIKES YOU STOP BEING A TURD AND GO READ SOME BOOKS OR SOME SHIT
Me: ogdkfhsdh
Me: Where’s my klonopin
So, I’ve ended up exactly where I’ve started. It’s now 48 hours later, and I know my text messages work because Lane Bryant sent me a 40% off coupon. Consolation prize?
You, Persephone readers, are smart, and I assume many of you are savvy about these things. What should I have done? Should I have waited for him to text me? If I were allowed to text him, how long should I have waited? How long should I wait for him to respond? What the hell do I do if he doesn’t respond? Do you have any secrets on how I can better learn to not give a shit? I give so many shits.
Let’s do a completely scientific Internet poll to get to the bottom of this, gumshoes.
9 replies on “Awkwardette’s Ill-Advised Guide to Getting it On: To Text or Not to Text?”
I think Greg Behwhatever made one decent point in his book and that was the whole ‘he’s just not that into you’ shtick. I tend to go down the path of righteous indignation when I don’t hear back from a guy after a date. That is to say, if I contact him via e-mail or text two days later (saying I enjoyed the date and I’d like to spend more time with him later) and didn’t hear back after several days, I’d be all ‘fuck you’. No further texts/e-mails, I just move on. Because I am fucking awesome and if he don’t wanna get on this gravy train, he’s missing out.
You see, I operate under the fervent belief that someday, the guy will see me out and about looking positively amazing with some incredibly attractive other man who saw what he didn’t, and then he’d stew in his jealousy and despair that he let me get away. This has yet to happen, but I remain hopeful.
I like how you think.
OH MY GOD I’M IN THE EXACT SAME SITUATION!!!!
Well, I guess to define, I was in your situation about a week ago, and then we went on a second date last Friday and, um, yeah I guess I’m still in the same situation.
So being as impatient as you are, I usually make the first “text” move, and to my complete annoyance, he takes at least a day to respond…. And then I get really pessimistic about the whole situation. So I don’t know. 90% of the time I’m convinced I’ve totally fucked up this relationship already, which is sad because I really like the guy, so eh, yeah.
This wasn’t really that helpful to you, but I just wanted to say I know EXACTLY what you mean, and my friends are completely sick of me freaking out about it haha!
You seem to be in such a hurry for everything to be right, right now. One date doesn’t carve out the rest of your entire life. Well, it might but I’d probably wait a bit to see if that was on the cards, perhaps that’s what your date is doing – processing… like some slow data. That was not meant to be a dater pun… oh well.
Like I said, I am not a patient girl :) You’re absolutely right that one date doesn’t determine the rest of my life, and I know that rationally, but my emotional reaction to things comes from a place that I don’t understand nor can control (as of yet–working on it). I basically live with two different minds most of the time, and they are usually at odds, and my emotional one tends to be louder and more melancholic and more exaggerated. If you know who Klaus Nomi is… it’s like him.
My rational mind just wouldn’t make for a very entertaining column.
It really depends for me? I mean, usually I’m friends with someone first (and sometimes the sex comes before- and sometimes in lieu of- the dating) so random texts wouldn’t be out of order for me, so…
I have no idea what to tell you, except that I do the exact same thing when I start seeing someone new. Â It’s amazing what I could accomplish if I used all the energy that I spend on wondering anxiously what someone is thinking on something useful. Â I don’t know if there’s an answer here, but I hope that you hear from him (or not, if he’s an asshole)! Â Good luck!
I know, right? I have so much crap to do. So much. Like probably 20 pages of finals to plow through over the next few weeks, and in just a few hours, I think this douche took up 10 pages of my diary.
Yup, same boat.