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Awkwardette’s Ill-Advised Guide to Getting it On: On the Pubic Record, Pt. 3: Ass Hair (No Clever Name Required)

There’s a false misconception floating around that you have to have anal sex in order to be paranoid about your ass hair. Well, well, let’s set the record straight–anyone, including you, can be all weird about your butt hair.

My awkwardness surrounding my ass hair is a fairly recent phenomenon. I never really gave a shit until about a year ago. My ex-boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was lying on my belly, and like most fooling around with him, I can’t remember what even what was going on. Whatever it was seemed to be just as non-engaging for him, because his mind wandered to the bush on my behind.

He giggled. As if that wasn’t at turn-off enough, he said, “Your ass is really hairy.”

What? “No it’s not!” and then my hand instinctually went back there to cover it up.

Some hairy asses, teeheehee.

“No, it’s pretty hairy,” he said. I felt awful and gross, immediately.  And sure enough, when I had a moment to examine, there was a wee bit of hair peeking out of the top of my butt crack, and even more hiding between. I never really noticed before, and now suddenly, my butt hair was so overwhelming to me I could feel it every single time I moved.

We broke up only a few weeks after this for reasons completely unrelated to my ass hair (as far as I know). And now that I am venturing back out in the dating world, suddenly how to remove my butt hair is not only on my mind, but seems kind of important. I imagine men turning me over, seeing my ass bush, and running out of my door. I don’t really think anyone has noticed, or at least hasn’t had the fucking audacity to comment on it (not bitter).

I still can’t help but find myself wondering how the hell to get rid of it though. I’ve done a lot of reading about it online, mostly through d/l gay guy’s message boards. Some recommend not removing it, because it serves a function as a fart dampener, but since I’m a girl, I don’t fart, so the point is moot. Some recommend things like hair removal lotions, others recommend shaving, and other recommend waxing.

Veet: why do all hair removal lotions have such unsavory names?

I’ve tried Veet on the ass. Thing is, I am a fat girl, and my ass crack isn’t exactly shallow. I’ve put the stuff in, being very, very careful to avoid the actual asshole because I imagine that will sting. And then I stand very, very still. You have to leave this shit on for at least five minutes, or even longer if it’s coarse hair, and ass hair tends to be coarser than not. So when I use it, I try really hair not to move because I’m afraid it’ll drip closer to my butthole, or trip closer to my vagina. It’s uncomfortable, to say the least. I can usually only make it five minutes without going crazy, and then the amount of hair that comes off really isn’t worth the effort. This stuff also smells fucking awful.

C. has also tried a hair removing lotion on her asshole with little success. “It burns,” she said. “You can get the most sensitive skin shit out there, and it burns so badly. There’s no way that can be good for you. I am not risking fucking up my asshole or getting some kind of a crazy burn there, because can you imagine the face that the doctor would give you if you had to get that treated?” So, what’s worse? The memory of an ex-boyfriend cackling at your unsightly ass hair or a doctor giving you the side eye because of the third-degree burns on your rectum? Okay, I guess I’d prefer the dumb ex-boyfriend.

For the record, all hair removal lotions I’ve seen explicitly tell you to not put it on your ass or vagina or balls or whatever, so please do not try this at home.

Then there’s shaving. This is really difficult to do because you can’t see anything. And like I said earlier, my butt crack is kind of deep, and most of the hair is about half way through. My method lately is to start from the vaginal opening and shaving backwards up through the ass crack. It seems to be working all right, but I know that I am missing probably 40% of the hair, and I can’t see how it looks.

“You can’t even like get sexy about it like you can with your pussy hair,” says C. Some guys are into shaving pussy hair, and they can examine it for you or whatever, but I don’t think you can do that with your ass hair.”

Further, your ass is susceptible to all of the pit-falls of shaving your vag, too. Ingrown hairs. Stubble. Itchiness. It can get ugly. Fortunately, it’s not a problem for me. I usually throw on some aloe vera gel, and I experience what is actually kind of a pleasant tingly feeling and has been largely successful at preventing a lot of these issues.

The worst part about shaving”¦ cuts. Have you ever cut your ass before? I have. It feels really weird, and putting a Band-aid on that shit is hella awkward.

Waxing is probably the most popular method of butt hair removal. I have plenty of gay dude friends who do this and consider it a part of their normal hygienic routine. But as we’ve established, I am less than keen on the idea. I also, really cannot imagine anyone getting my fat ass spread apart enough to wax quickly so that the hair is even removed. And can I share with y’all that this is so far, out of all of the salacious things I’ve written on here, by and large the most embarrassing and cringe-worthy thing I’ve ever typed in my life? I’m glad we could share this together.

I wonder how much of my fear of my ass hair is really based in reality or just the result of one person’s poor judgment in making fun of me. I thought I’d ask some straight guys if they had opinions on ass hair on ladies and surprisingly–nope. I asked probably six guys and none of them had really noticed ass hair on any girls they’ve been with, and I highly doubt that none of them have never seen an asshole before. Most of them speculated they would prefer it groomed or maintained, but they weren’t really sure what that would even look like.

So why all the fuss? If anal is your thing and your ass hair is getting tugged or whatever, sure, but my reason for wanting to remove my ass hair is not grounded in something concrete like that. It’s much more arbitrary in that I am afraid of being judged as dirty or unclean.

But you know what, I’m gonna make a case for the ass hair right now, because the only conclusive evidence that I’ve found right now is interesting. AW has a similar story of an asshole ex-boyfriend who made fun of her asshair. AW says she is hairy everywhere because she is Arab. I’m Italian. We’re both sisters in the crazy amounts of hair world. The only time I ever noticed my asshair was from a formerly judgmental partner.

And yet, there are men who I’ve spoken to who have never noticed asshair before. Some of these men I’ve asked I’ve even slept with (and did not shave for). I wonder if asshair is like a shield. It’s an emperor’s new clothes type of phenomenon and it’s something only jerks we shouldn’t be fucking will notice anyway.

So maybe we need to embrace the butt hair. I think it only needs a little bit of positive marketing. Asshair is like the jerk-proof ass chastity belt, keeping out people who don’t belong there in the first place.

Of course, I’m sure there’s exceptions to the rule. I’m sure one of the nicest guys on the planet gets a little grossed out by butt hair, and some of the biggest douches fucking love it, so you can’t actually use it as a measure of a person’s quality. But I wonder if my sexual partners really care that much, and usually, they don’t.

Truthfully, all of us should be grateful when another person allows themselves to become vulnerable and to expose themselves (literally) so that we even get a chance to see their butt hair, vag hair, ball hair, what have you. We conceptualize these things as flaws or signs of undesirability, but they’re really a sign that us on the receiving end should be grateful to even know what grows between someone else’s legs.

Don’t like butt hair? Fine, don’t bury your face in it this time. Don’t go around laughing at a person. Don’t go around judging or thinking too hard about a person’s hair, because if you really think about it, that is such a giant waste of time when you have genitals in front of you, and you could be spending that time thinking about sexy stuff and getting off together. I would so overlook some hairs in exchange for an orgasm.

So, this concludes our three-part journey in the world of nether-region hair. Any lingering thoughts on pubes? Do you remove your ass hair? How in the hell do you do it? I’d also be curious if anyone has experience with laser hair removal of electrolysis. I wonder if it’s worth the price (see how quickly I went from being all “raaarrr I’m empowered, fuck hair removal” to inquiring about electrolysis?).

Also, are you following me on Twitter yet? No? Fuck you!

By awkwardette

Michelle M. aka awkwardette is a multi-disciplinarian. She moonlights as an activist while earning her big bucks making the internet easier to use. She also writes about pop music on PopMinx.com and aspires to be Amelia Fletcher when she grows up. She prefers listening to The Jesus and Mary Chain when doin' it.

21 replies on “Awkwardette’s Ill-Advised Guide to Getting it On: On the Pubic Record, Pt. 3: Ass Hair (No Clever Name Required)”

Yeah, I’m so not shaving near my asshole.  I have a lot of issues with being harmed in that area and a razor is not going to come near it.  On another note I am a, literally, hairy-assed fucker.  Whenever I think about it, and how someone might react to it, I just try to channel Wanda Sykes, who describes it as a guard dog (it’s worth it to look up her actual routine, as it’s fucking hilarious).  I keep it clean, but it’s there and it’s not going anywhere for some time as I have no money to explore other removal options.

I have issues with all of my body hair, including ass hair. I tend to go the Nair route, but find the formulas for sensitive skin- this is just good advice in general for the depilatories- but waxing is way, way better. When I used to get waxed, the ass is actually, for me, the part that hurts least of all. You feel like you need to buy your waxer dinner or something afterwards, since they have been spreading your butt cheeks apart for 15 minutes, but the physical pain is much less than the embarrassment.

This article made me laugh out loud all the way through. Love!

So, this concludes our three-part journey in the world of nether-region hair. Any lingering thoughts on pubes? Do you remove your ass hair? How in the hell do you do it? I’d also be curious if anyone has experience with laser hair removal of electrolysis. I wonder if it’s worth the price (see how quickly I went from being all “raaarrr I’m empowered, fuck hair removal” to inquiring about electrolysis?).

Lingering thoughts? Lingering thought is that it had never even occurred to me, until this post, to even think about my ass in this way …! Whatever you do decide to do though, here’s hoping it’s pain free!

I have attempted to shave the asshole area and let me tell you, knicks on my butthole and the surrounding area are the most unpleasant little surprises ever. I don’t have too much hair in that area, which is surprising considering I am my mothers daughter and she carries the bulk of the hairy genes in the fam. After the knicking incident( which also came after a judgy partner who had the hairiest ass of them all, so with hindsight, I assume this was a projection issue) I took a similar position of well if you don’t like it, fuck you, I probably shouldn’t be letting you come near my precious a-hole anyway. If bears embrace the hair, than I shall too.

I don’t have the budget to vajazzle ( azzle?) my a-hole anyway.

you know what’s interesting is i consider bears to be my spirit animal (kodiaks specifically). they are so majestic and cuddly and like to say hi and be friendly like me (http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/polite-bear-waves-video-viral-waving-bear-charms-15153425) but for some reason i am so adverse to hair on my body, when ladybears in the wild don’t give a fuck. they still get mad laid and i bet demand respect from this manbears who probably never ask her to shave.

i wish i really were a bear.

I’m really surprised that I don’t have any ass hair, considering how hairy I am everywhere else. My best friend does, though, which I know because he’s told me all about his various attempts at removing it. He shaved it for a while until he cut himself and got freaked out, and he’s also had it waxed, which he said didn’t hurt as badly as he thought it would.

And my opinion on ass hair on a partner is – so? It probably wouldn’t go on my list of things I find sexy about them, but it also definitely wouldn’t keep me from wanting to do lots of fun things to their ass, including burying my face up in there. (I’ve always used a dental dam for that, anyway.)

Veet: why do all hair removal lotions have such unsavory names?

Yes! And what the hell is with Nair?

I have been vaguely uncomfortable with my (I’m cringing  as I type this) ass-hair ever since I brought out my hand mirror to examine myself down there. No one has ever been down there though so this is clearly my issue.

The thought of shaving or waxing there horrifies me though, so I’ll just grin and bear it, so to speak.

I think I got kind of lucky when it comes to this sort of thing. My general attitude toward nether-hair in general can best be described as “Bite me.” I’ve trimmed my longer central area before, because a partner complained about it getting in the way, but I only put in enough effort to find the happy medium between getting in the way and stabbing my partner uncomfortably in the nose. As for ass hair, I thought about it for a minute and decided it wasn’t worth it.

I say I got lucky, because the first time a partner said something that made me uncomfortable, it wasn’t about my hair. It was a guy who had never seen a woman shaped like me. Apparently my labia are somewhat fuller than any he seen before. He asked me about it one night, and I told him I didn’t realize they were “different,” they’d always looked like that. His response, I shit you not, was “Oh, I thought your stuff was kind of worn out because you’d slept with a bunch of guys.” I felt weird about it for a few minutes, realized it wasn’t something I could ever change, and decided that he was an idiot. Since then, it’s been pretty hard to faze me with comments about how I may look down there. I am very much a “What you see is what you get, take it or leave it” kind of girl.

HOLY SHIT (puns!) THIS WAS HILARIOUS!

I love everything about this post. Asshole shaving, the concept of putting Veet near where you shit from… I mean. Seriously? Bless this post.

I don’t shave anything these days, but in my early to mid twenties, I shaved my asshole more regularly than I shaved my vag.

Interestingly enough, I never cut myself, and I didn’t get any of the massive cooter-zits or ingrown hairs around my butthole. It never really itched, either.

I have a big ass, so when I shave it, I just hold one cheek to the side while I shave with the other. I always do it in the shower or bathtub so I have lots of water to hydrate the course butthole hair.

In fact, after reading this, I kinda want to shave my butthole. I’m not sexually active, but I just kinda like how it feels. A nice, preen butthole wipes nicer than a hairy one, in my experience.

hahahaha, get it girl! shave that asshole just for you.

i think my ass, the more i shave it, is more willing to cooperate than my vag, that’s for sure. still get itchy if it’s been a few days though… and that’s the worst. i have to do the weird squirm on my subway seat thing. i always pretend i’m “stretchy” but i’m really just wiggling my ass against the seat to calm that shit down.

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