There’s a false misconception floating around that you have to have anal sex in order to be paranoid about your ass hair. Well, well, let’s set the record straight–anyone, including you, can be all weird about your butt hair.
My awkwardness surrounding my ass hair is a fairly recent phenomenon. I never really gave a shit until about a year ago. My ex-boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was lying on my belly, and like most fooling around with him, I can’t remember what even what was going on. Whatever it was seemed to be just as non-engaging for him, because his mind wandered to the bush on my behind.
He giggled. As if that wasn’t at turn-off enough, he said, “Your ass is really hairy.”
What? “No it’s not!” and then my hand instinctually went back there to cover it up.
“No, it’s pretty hairy,” he said. I felt awful and gross, immediately. And sure enough, when I had a moment to examine, there was a wee bit of hair peeking out of the top of my butt crack, and even more hiding between. I never really noticed before, and now suddenly, my butt hair was so overwhelming to me I could feel it every single time I moved.
We broke up only a few weeks after this for reasons completely unrelated to my ass hair (as far as I know). And now that I am venturing back out in the dating world, suddenly how to remove my butt hair is not only on my mind, but seems kind of important. I imagine men turning me over, seeing my ass bush, and running out of my door. I don’t really think anyone has noticed, or at least hasn’t had the fucking audacity to comment on it (not bitter).
I still can’t help but find myself wondering how the hell to get rid of it though. I’ve done a lot of reading about it online, mostly through d/l gay guy’s message boards. Some recommend not removing it, because it serves a function as a fart dampener, but since I’m a girl, I don’t fart, so the point is moot. Some recommend things like hair removal lotions, others recommend shaving, and other recommend waxing.
I’ve tried Veet on the ass. Thing is, I am a fat girl, and my ass crack isn’t exactly shallow. I’ve put the stuff in, being very, very careful to avoid the actual asshole because I imagine that will sting. And then I stand very, very still. You have to leave this shit on for at least five minutes, or even longer if it’s coarse hair, and ass hair tends to be coarser than not. So when I use it, I try really hair not to move because I’m afraid it’ll drip closer to my butthole, or trip closer to my vagina. It’s uncomfortable, to say the least. I can usually only make it five minutes without going crazy, and then the amount of hair that comes off really isn’t worth the effort. This stuff also smells fucking awful.
C. has also tried a hair removing lotion on her asshole with little success. “It burns,” she said. “You can get the most sensitive skin shit out there, and it burns so badly. There’s no way that can be good for you. I am not risking fucking up my asshole or getting some kind of a crazy burn there, because can you imagine the face that the doctor would give you if you had to get that treated?” So, what’s worse? The memory of an ex-boyfriend cackling at your unsightly ass hair or a doctor giving you the side eye because of the third-degree burns on your rectum? Okay, I guess I’d prefer the dumb ex-boyfriend.
For the record, all hair removal lotions I’ve seen explicitly tell you to not put it on your ass or vagina or balls or whatever, so please do not try this at home.
Then there’s shaving. This is really difficult to do because you can’t see anything. And like I said earlier, my butt crack is kind of deep, and most of the hair is about half way through. My method lately is to start from the vaginal opening and shaving backwards up through the ass crack. It seems to be working all right, but I know that I am missing probably 40% of the hair, and I can’t see how it looks.
“You can’t even like get sexy about it like you can with your pussy hair,” says C. Some guys are into shaving pussy hair, and they can examine it for you or whatever, but I don’t think you can do that with your ass hair.”
Further, your ass is susceptible to all of the pit-falls of shaving your vag, too. Ingrown hairs. Stubble. Itchiness. It can get ugly. Fortunately, it’s not a problem for me. I usually throw on some aloe vera gel, and I experience what is actually kind of a pleasant tingly feeling and has been largely successful at preventing a lot of these issues.
The worst part about shaving”¦ cuts. Have you ever cut your ass before? I have. It feels really weird, and putting a Band-aid on that shit is hella awkward.
Waxing is probably the most popular method of butt hair removal. I have plenty of gay dude friends who do this and consider it a part of their normal hygienic routine. But as we’ve established, I am less than keen on the idea. I also, really cannot imagine anyone getting my fat ass spread apart enough to wax quickly so that the hair is even removed. And can I share with y’all that this is so far, out of all of the salacious things I’ve written on here, by and large the most embarrassing and cringe-worthy thing I’ve ever typed in my life? I’m glad we could share this together.
I wonder how much of my fear of my ass hair is really based in reality or just the result of one person’s poor judgment in making fun of me. I thought I’d ask some straight guys if they had opinions on ass hair on ladies and surprisingly–nope. I asked probably six guys and none of them had really noticed ass hair on any girls they’ve been with, and I highly doubt that none of them have never seen an asshole before. Most of them speculated they would prefer it groomed or maintained, but they weren’t really sure what that would even look like.
So why all the fuss? If anal is your thing and your ass hair is getting tugged or whatever, sure, but my reason for wanting to remove my ass hair is not grounded in something concrete like that. It’s much more arbitrary in that I am afraid of being judged as dirty or unclean.
But you know what, I’m gonna make a case for the ass hair right now, because the only conclusive evidence that I’ve found right now is interesting. AW has a similar story of an asshole ex-boyfriend who made fun of her asshair. AW says she is hairy everywhere because she is Arab. I’m Italian. We’re both sisters in the crazy amounts of hair world. The only time I ever noticed my asshair was from a formerly judgmental partner.
And yet, there are men who I’ve spoken to who have never noticed asshair before. Some of these men I’ve asked I’ve even slept with (and did not shave for). I wonder if asshair is like a shield. It’s an emperor’s new clothes type of phenomenon and it’s something only jerks we shouldn’t be fucking will notice anyway.
So maybe we need to embrace the butt hair. I think it only needs a little bit of positive marketing. Asshair is like the jerk-proof ass chastity belt, keeping out people who don’t belong there in the first place.
Of course, I’m sure there’s exceptions to the rule. I’m sure one of the nicest guys on the planet gets a little grossed out by butt hair, and some of the biggest douches fucking love it, so you can’t actually use it as a measure of a person’s quality. But I wonder if my sexual partners really care that much, and usually, they don’t.
Truthfully, all of us should be grateful when another person allows themselves to become vulnerable and to expose themselves (literally) so that we even get a chance to see their butt hair, vag hair, ball hair, what have you. We conceptualize these things as flaws or signs of undesirability, but they’re really a sign that us on the receiving end should be grateful to even know what grows between someone else’s legs.
Don’t like butt hair? Fine, don’t bury your face in it this time. Don’t go around laughing at a person. Don’t go around judging or thinking too hard about a person’s hair, because if you really think about it, that is such a giant waste of time when you have genitals in front of you, and you could be spending that time thinking about sexy stuff and getting off together. I would so overlook some hairs in exchange for an orgasm.
So, this concludes our three-part journey in the world of nether-region hair. Any lingering thoughts on pubes? Do you remove your ass hair? How in the hell do you do it? I’d also be curious if anyone has experience with laser hair removal of electrolysis. I wonder if it’s worth the price (see how quickly I went from being all “raaarrr I’m empowered, fuck hair removal” to inquiring about electrolysis?).
Also, are you following me on Twitter yet? No? Fuck you!