We’ve all seen them: Christmas decorations, ornaments, sweaters, odds and bobs that are so ugly, misplaced, or ill-conceived that you just shake your head in amazement, snap a picture on your cellphone, and then laugh hysterically with your friends about them later.
Well, I scoured the internet to bring you some of my very favourite ridiculous Christmas decorations; and as an added treat, I included bonus pictures from my time spent in Seoul, South Korea. The land where Christmas and cheesy advertisements collided to create an unholy union between Santa and Jesus, which in turn created candy cane nightmares.
What do pumpkins have to do with Christmas? And why does this pumpkin-faced tree ornament look like it drives a molester van with tinted rapey windows?
9. In Utero Baby Commando:
If there’s one thing that screams Christmas to me, it’s a fetus carrying an automatic weapon.
8. Swastika Tree Ornaments:
7. Handmade Oak Baby Angel:
Somebody actually thought that this was endearing enough to carve and SELL. Personally, if baby angels look like this, I’d be more inclined to think they were demons.
6. Arsonist Birds Christmas Greeting Card:
You know what? I like this Christmas card. These birds are fed up, and they’re not going to take it anymore. You people have been cutting down their homes for years for your gaudy Christmas trees! And now they are out for revenge.
5. An Ill-Conceived Mall Set-Up:
Enter Santa’s Workshop….OF DOOOOOOM!
There’s really nothing more I can say about this.
(Hot Ink Editor’s note: I’d like to say more: “Come sit on my lap and stare into the unholy abyss of my eyes! HO!HO!HELL!”) (Persephone Editor’s note: AIEEEEEE!)
4. Somebody has their lore confused:
You can’t have it both ways, people! Either choose to celebrate the religious aspect with Baby Jebus, or go commercial with CocaCola’s 1930s popular incarnation of Santa Claus. But *please* don’t for a second think that a corporate marketing machine will ever bend its knee to religion.
3. A Book Series with a Creepy Christmas Special:
Nothing like a criminally evil woman terrorizing small children at Christmas to ring in the holiday season. Buy it from Amazon now!
2. Kico’s Christmas Album of Horror:
I don’t know who Kico is, but should I ever meet him, I would really like some answers regarding his blue eyebrows.
1. Elton John Christmas Ornament:
Why yes, this ornament *is* worse than the swastika set. Why? JUST LOOK AT IT! Elton John was meant to go at the *ahem* top of the tree.
And there you have it! Basically, if someone set these things up in a single location, it would be my personal Christmas Nightmarish Wonderland. As promised, here’s a few bonus pictures from Seoul; a small glimpse into a season of complete bewilderment for Westerners:
Another editor’s note: This post originally appeared here, on Hot Ink Reviews. Now with 100% more commando fetus.