The past couple of months have been very hard for me. I’ve been jobless and broke, and I know that a lot of you are in the same position. My normally optimistic demeanor began to fade and an oppressive fear began to take its place. This fear was unlike any that I had experienced before. I mean I’ve been scared of things, everyone has, but this was different. It was a new fear, the fear that things were never going to change, and that maybe my life would always be this hard. That maybe I wouldn’t ever have a stable and healthy life.
I gained an awareness in the darkness. In what seemed like a hopeless situation, I found an immense sense of power. Maybe my life right now wasn’t all of the amazing things I imagined for myself, but perhaps it could become that way if I just started small.
One of my big problems was that I found myself wandering around, not quite sure what I wanted. So I sat down and thought about it. I wrote it down.
“What do I want? How do I want to live my life?”
It seems so trivial, but so many times we have big, vague goals and we never stop to think about the specifics. When you split the big goals into small goals and easily achievable tasks, you have a purpose. You have forward motion. When I started moving forward, I felt more like a human being and less like a moving meat sack born and raised only to pay student loans.
Once I started moving forward, little ideas came to me that I would have dismissed a few weeks earlier. I thought about emailing a friend and asking her if she needed help around the house by watching her daughter. I decided to do an acting showcase that I hadn’t done in months because I had started to feel discouraged. Now I work twice a week babysitting for a super awesome kid and I just signed with an acting agent yesterday.
Am I still broke? Yup!
Do I still live in a teeny tiny studio with my boyfriend and our three cats? You betcha!
Do I still get calls every day from student loan collectors? Uh huh!
But now I know that it won’t always be this way.