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My Dog Is Insatiable

I have written about the various trials and tribulations my animals have presented me with a number of times on this site.* I actually wrote about the earliest onset of our current doggy conundrum here: I Think We Broke the Dog | Persephone Magazine. While we thought it was a temporary fascination, it has become clear that it is not a passing fancy. Our dog is insatiable.

When the foster kittens found their new home, the humping stopped for quite sometime. If we took her to visit them, Lola would, of course, immediately try to mount Trout, but as far as around our house, the constant cooch grinding seemed to be at bay. Or so we thought. One morning, as Jon was sleeping, he felt Lola nuzzling around him. This is not uncommon as she gets up and goes for a walk with me in the morning, then immediately runs back upstairs to crawl back in bed with her dad where it is warm and toasty. This wasn’t her usually volley for covers, though. He said he felt her climbing around on his arm in a way that, looking back, was not normal. She maneuvered around for a bit until she was straddling his arm, then started grinding away. As I’m sure you can imagine, this is a horrifying way to be woken up. Here’s the thing– our dog is freaking adorable. She is 5 pounds of pure sweetness and light. I mean, look at this face:

Hobo Fraggle Dog
Adorable Nicely Groomed Dog

How could such a sweet, loving, and adorable little creature wake her daddy in such a way? If only it had stopped there.

One evening a few nights later, as I sat on the couch, she started pawing at my arm. As she often does this when she wants to snuggle and I am busy doing something other than catering to her every whim, I thought nothing of it. I tried to put her on my lap, but she jumped off and went back to my arm. Remembering Jon’s story, I called to him to come see what she was doing. He ran over, laughing and getting his camera out. As she mounted my arm, he pleaded with me to let him get a shot of her humping before I moved my arm. I attempted to oblige, but the feel of my dog using me as her unwilling sex toy was too traumatizing to maintain. Unfortunately for me, she had felt the wonder of Mommy’s arm, and nothing else would suffice. She followed me around the house, whimpering like a child who’d had her favorite toy taken away. Every time I sat down, she would start pawing at my arm. This shit was too much for me to take, so I went on a mission to find her a suitable substitution. Yes, I went shopping to find my dog a lover.

Enter Trixie:

Trixie is a perfect sex toy for Lola. She is almost the same size as our little dog, and stands up on her own, making her a sturdy, fuckable little stuffed animal. If only the makers of this toy knew the nefarious deeds she would be partaking in one day. Lola loves Trixie. While she was mostly an evening humper before, Trixie’s arrival has turned our home into a house if ill repute; all humping, all the time. No longer does Lola run back to bed after the early morning walk; she now runs straight to Trixie’s loving arms. Our dog, a master lounger if ever there was one, rivaling the cats in sheer laziness, was now busting out marathon sessions on the poor little Trix. She used to be wiped out after a two block walk; now I think she could run a 5k with no problem. She humps herself until she is winded and panting, takes a break for food and water, and comes back for more.

Someone asked us once why we didn’t make her stop. Huh? Why would we make her stop? First of all, humping is one of the funnest things to do in the world. It feels good. Why would I attempt to alter behavior that makes her so happy? Secondly, and most importantly, that shit is hilarious. You would think it would get old, but you would be wrong. Watching my dog hump things, as long as those things are not my arm, makes me laugh my ass off. Plus, we are a very sex-positive household and feel all members of the family should be able to please themselves as they see fit.

Would anyone like to see Trixie now? First, scroll back up if you need to so you have a clear picture in your head of her original state. Ready?

If that is not the definition of "rode hard and put away wet," I don't know what is.

For anyone interested, Jon made a youtube video with our new camera that shoots in slow motion. It is available for your viewing pleasure here – My Lola Humps

*if you aren’t eating lunch, I’d suggest checking out When Roombas Attack | Persephone Magazine. It is disgusting yet hilarious since it didn’t happen to you (I hope).

19 replies on “My Dog Is Insatiable”

This is amazing! My best friend has a golden retriever who humps his bed constantly, even bringing it into whatever room we’re in to hump it in front of us. One day he ripped a hole right through it, at which point he wore it around his neck. Psychologically speaking, that’s messed up.

I randomly found the original Trixie at Home Goods an she was the only one they had, so we were worried about what would happen when Trixie just couldn’t take anymore. Then, whilst shopping for allergy medicine at Rite Aid the other day, I saw a pile of shiny new doppelgängers in the toy aisle. I nearly shouted hallelujah as I was scooping up replacements! The look on her face when he saw one of the new ones was hilarious! She was so confused, kept looking at Trixie, then the new one and back and forth.

I’m confused to how this appropriate behaviour for a pet. I mean, I would not be happy if I was visiting your home and your dog came up and humped me. To be fair, perhaps your friends enjoy being irritated by small dogs whose owners thought their behaviour was harmless and hilarious. Furthermore,  there are many other dogs that would not appreciate being humped and could (and in my opinion, for good reason) bite her. I find it hard to believe that you’ve properly socialized your animal if you encouraged the humping.

And I hope she’s spayed. I’ve seen too many unwanted puppies and dogs in shelters at which I’ve volunteered to ever support not fixing your pets.

I know, I know, I’m such a party pooper, but I just don’t see what’s so adorable about a misbehaving dog. Being sex positive, in my opinion, does not extend to my animals.

Thankfully, the only humans Lola has ever humped are me and Jon, and we did alter that behavior, which is why we got Trixie. Hasn’t humped us since, so it worked like a charm. She’s also never attempted to hump any of her doggy friends, she’s quite charming and popular, but I’ll be sure to be mindful of your suggestion. Since she only humps an inanimate object, we feel it’s a pretty victimless crime. =)

All of my animals are adopted from shelters or taken in from homes that could no longer keep them, so please know we are aware of and doing our part to ensure we would not contribute to shelter overcrowding. Since we take in fosters, as I mention in the article, as well, I like to believe we are helping on that front as much as possible.

Thanks for your comment!

Thanks for clearing that up. It’s good to know that she’s only targeting the stuffy now, though I have heard that humping excessively can be a sign of pent up energy, excitement or anxiousness. But I’m sure she’s just a little weirdo and not suffering from some sort of psychological trauma.

That being said, you didn’t really say whether or not she was spayed. I really hope the answer is yes. Accidents happen.

That was amazing. Completely by accident, I had scrolled my page down to just above Trixie’s after picture, so you said Ready? and I was able to scroll down for a perfect reveal, at which point I busted out laughing.

I tried to find our hilarious dog humping video to share, but it turns out that there are a lot of dogs named Cosmo in the world who like to hump things.

Yes! I was hoping the “scroll down fug” would work out well! How overwhelming is the amount of dog humping videos on YouTube? If you find yours, i’d love to see it, they really never get old, do they? Jon made another video where he splices in the video of the little baby that does the awesome surprised/appalled face (when his mom blows her nose, I think? It’s hilarious) with Lola humping, but he put it to an awesome Thievery Corporation song, so we can’t upload it because of that! As soon as we find some good music that isn’t copyrighted, I’ll post it.

We DO NOT touch Trixie. I put on gloves to get her ready to be photographed. One of the cats also has a fuck-toy that is a stuffed whale, and we don’t touch that either. My nieces were over one day, and the 3 year old went to reach for the whale and the five year old yelled “WE NEVER TOUCH THE WHALE!!!” It was freaking hilarious. She doesn’t understand why we don’t touch it, she just knows it is gross.

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