Recap: Project Runway All Stars, Episode 1: “I Got 99 Cents and a Dress That Ain’t Done.”

I would just like to clear it up right now, Project Runway All Stars fans:  I am the best designer.  Yes, me, Miss Worded a.k.a. Lucy Woodhull (also known in some circles as Tits Milano-Cookies).  You may be confused, as everyone on PR last night told you that they were, in fact, the best designer evar to roam the earth threading a needle and attaching sequins to anything that unwittingly traipsed across their path.

Oh, wait.  I mean I’m the best Milano-cookie eater evar.  The best designer might be Mondo. Or Austin Scarlett’s moustache, which is so intimidating and fancy that I used the spelling with more letters in it.

For fucking real, people. Look at it.

He’s no Starburns, but it’s a good effort.

The top of the episode featured our All Stars fake meet-cuting each other all over NYC.  Bish, please.  Like anyone wouldn’t throw a cat at Kenley upon meeting her in the street¹.

I’m going to get this out of the way early:  NO NO NO WHERE IS TIM GUNN I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE IS THE BEST WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE YOU ARE COMMUNISTS AREN’T YOU?!

The first big change (besides Mr. Gunn) this season is the host.  Nope, no more Heidi Klum.  Instead we have Angela Lindvall, a model who I’ve never heard of and whose name takes longer to type.  Boo-urns.  At least she’s blonde and willowy!  Whew.  I know we were all scared we might be forced to look at a brunette or, even worse, a brown person for an hour.  Rest easy!

As All Star MIla Hermanovski said, Angela is very versatile — she’s done print, runway, and swimwear.  That means she can wear all kinds of different cloth body coverings and walk at the same time².

The prize this time befits a sewing room full of that much hair mousse and ego:  a boutique collection in Neiman Marcus stores.  Yay!   Now fashion will be accessible to me, an average writer.  The winner will also get a spread in Marie Claire and get to guest edit for one year.  I guess we all better start growing out our funny facial hair now, just in case.  They also get $100K in office equipment and $100K in cash moneys.

The sewing room will be equipped with industrial sewing machines, fabric printers, and sergers, courtesy of Brother.  That news made the seamstress geek inside me squee.  Who do you think will produce the first truly heinous original print of the season?!

There are also shiny new judges!  The first is a doozy:  Georgina Chapman, Co-Founder, Marchesa.  Swoon, amIrite?  Even doozier, the fashion god Isaac Mizrahi.

(FYI, for those of you playing the PR:AS Drinking Game at home, it only took eight minutes for someone to say that Rami Kashou is a draper.   Every time someone says it, take a drink.  If Rami says it himself, take two.  If he actually drapes something:  swallow half the bottle, drape your bed sheet across your bosoms, and walk your living room like it’s the Kodak Theatre.)

The episode began with a bang — the designers all brought a recent work for an insta-fashion show.

Kara gave us a black, sequinney something that looked super chic when Blanche Deveraux wore it on the Lanai in 1988.  Sweet P’s cream dress was both structural and flowy.  I loved the button detail on the belt.  Jerell’s model looked like she ran afoul of some camo sheers and a tangled wad of chain at the Home Depot.  Mila showed us Edward G. Robinson from The Ten Commandments.

Kenley presented Royal Blue Barbie, which I fully expect to see Taylor Swift wearing to the CMAs shortly.  Austin Scarlett’s moustache’s cerulean folded-drape gown was pretty, but nothing I felt I hadn’t seen before.  Elisa presented a whimsical white, flowered cocktail number with fabric wings attached, which was pretty, but didn’t actually fly.  If I wear something with wings, I expect to fly, or at least be extra absorbent.  Rami’s cocktail cutie featured draped (DRINK) folds of black-and-white patterned fabric down the front that was vaguely vaginal, but adorable.

I really liked Gordana’s almost military-looking white evening gown that was a bizarre marriage of a hacked-up wedding dress and a dictator’s epaulets.  April brought a day look, a black and taupe ready-to-wear dre…. zzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Oh, sorry³.  I fell asleep.  Anthony’s confection was an adorable cocktail dress in spring green that made me think of a praying mantis, and I usually hate those things, with their beady eyes and evil, knowing faces.

Michael Costello had some mottled, strapless Grecian thing.  I hate Grecian.  (Bring it on, lumpy, dumpy. flowy lovers!)  Mondo presented last, but not least — oh, my no.  J’adore his modern brand of tough Victoriana.  And he made a hat that looked like a little, black layer cake⁴.

Once in their hotel suite, the All Stars were visited on the tee vee by the ghosts of spray-tan past, Valentino and his partner, Giancarlo Giammetti.  There were more tears in that room than in a Taylor Swift video.  Then they popped the champagne cork and Anthony quipped, “Y’all know I’m from the projects — I thought y’all were shooting!”

Their first challenge is the “unconventional” challenge.  Angela said that the fans love this one.  I don’t.  I hate it when they have to make things from materials other than fabric, because I don’t go shopping at the Ross for a dress made of dog food and old pine needles.  I don’t think the words “glue gun” should even be allowed to be uttered in the work room, much less that one should actually be used.  And what is it with you kids today and your MTV?

The producers sent them to the 99 Cents store, which is a place I love, so there’s that.  Their new garment must be a look inspired by the runway garment they’d presented earlier.

Danger came to the workroom quickly as April and Michael began dresses made from the same black and white mop heads.  Disaster!  Who would clean up the competition?  Would any blood be spilled?  Can I think of any more mop puns?  Time would tell!

Joanna Coles, Editor in Chief, Marie Claire visited the work room as mentor, the role Tim Gunn usually fulfilled.   She’s about as warm and charming as the dog food dress I got at Ross.

Sadly, I was proved right in my hatred of hot glue guns when the front of Austin Scarlett’s moustache’s dress got melted by one.  Not even Elisa spitting blessings all over it could stifle the stench of melted plastic and shame.  The next morning, Austin Scarlett’s moustache topped itself with a turban, and it brought him the strength to repair the dress, as turbans often do.

The runway challenge looks could be divided up into three parts, the Neato-Tastic, the Okay, and the Colorblind Disney Princesses.

The Neato-Tastic:

Jerell’s handkerchief dress was a marked improvement over his original mess, but I thought it was sort of a cheat because it was made of actual fabric.

I gasped aloud when Rami’s amazing plaid number came around the corner.  It’s made of umbrellas.  Marvelous.  Just marvelous.  I can’t decide whether to wear it or lick it.  Isaac noted that he mastered the materials and made them his bitch, and he was so right.

Mondo’s little black dress was in a word:  fabulous.  I loved the sculptural bow belt, and the hat that mimicked the shape.  It’s made of binders, electrical tape, cowboy hats, and trash bags.  Oh, Mondo.  I want to have little Hobbit babies with you.

Gordana’s crazy white petal dress worked for me.  It’s fun and I like that it doesn’t seem to try and mimic fabric too much — it’s made of weird shit and it wants to be.  I just love her.  Georgina said she thought there were too many ideas, and Isaac loved the steel wool.

Michael’s mop dress turned out really swell.  It made me think of something Beyonce would wear the hell out of.  I actually liked it better than…

The Okay:

… April’s mop dress, which broke no ground for me.

Kara designed a dress that actually did look to be made of fabric, but was something I’m pretty sure my Barbie wore.  This woman is lost in the 80s, and not in a Cyndi Lauper fun sort of way.  And that hat makes her model’s head look shrunken, and not in a fun sort of way.

Kenley’s 99 Cent dress was an improvement on her original, except that you just can’t plop a loofah on a girl’s head and call it a hat.  A rubber duckie, sure — a loofah, no.

Anthony’s fuchsia tissue paper dress might have been okay had it not been for the gold barbed wire that attacked it.

Mila’s mod mini was better than the Egyptian nightmare that came before it.  However, ever so faintly, you could hear the model say to the bizarre wrapped leggings:  let my kneecaps go!

The Colorblind Disney Princesses:

Austin Scarlett’s moustache led this parade, presenting the Little Mermaid after she got caught on a coral reef while on a bender.  Perhaps he should have taken the dreaded glue gun to the whole thing.  It was a whole new world — of crap.

Elisa gave us Alice in Wonderland after consuming one-too-many items that bade her “eat me.”  (Girl, leave off the advertising foodstuffs.  Your kidneys will thank you!)  That being said, I kinda liked this, in a batshit sort of way.  The only appropriate place to wear it is Burning Man, but I think the Cheshire Cat would approve.  There’s a story written on the sleeves and I really want to read it.  I’m a writer who doesn’t mind breaking a few rules if it gets my story told, and I see a kindred spirit in Elisa.  I don’t spit on my computer, though⁵.

Sweet P, when Pocahontas sang of all the colors of the wind, it was a metaphor.  I don’t know what that model did to piss you off, but there was no need to strangle her in towels and belts.

The winner was Rami, and rightly so.  Wowsers.  I want to wear his umbrella-ella-ellas.

And the loser? Shockingly, not Austin Scarlett’s moustache.  I frankly feel that his Austin-ness saved him.  He’s too good a character to off at the beginning.  They got rid of Elisa, and I think that sucks.  She was the most avant-garde and I think it would have been nice to see more of that point of view.  Fare thee well, Elisa!  May your spits always land where intended.

It’s clear this is the All Star season — the quality is way above the usual.  I am foaming at the whatnots to see more!  Who was your favorite, Persephoneers?

 

1.  Ha ha, but of course I am kidding.  Throwing cats is wrong, yo.  Now cat vomit — that’s okay to throw.

2.  I hear Einstein could do the same thing, but only after two advanced degrees.

3.  I’m only sorry I drooled on my boob from boredom.

4.  This is an I-Hope-Mondo-Wins recap blog.  There is no objectivity.  Iregretnothing.gif, etc.

5.  Miss Worded’s computer here:  she spits when she laughs at her own jokes.  It’s pathetic.