Recap: Project Runway All Stars, Episode 2: “Pumped-Up Prom Dresses”

Here we are. Project Runway All Stars, where everyone is the best designer ever and the egos are huge.

With hippie-dippy Elisa gone, we’re down to 12. Not-Heidi brings Mark Badgley and James Mischka out to let the all stars know what their challenge is, which is a gorgeous evening gown for a night at the opera. Classic, elegant and head-turning, with a couture touch.

All right, bring it, bitches.

Austin, who, as Miss Worded pointed out, has a new friend chillaxing on his face, is apparently the king of couture. I don’t know. I didn’t watch Season 1, so I’ll have to take his word for it that that’s what they called him. April wants to do red, but so does Michael, judging by his drawing. They used the same materials last week too. Someone’s going to have to separate them or something. Jesus.

At Mood, Kenley finds some bubblegum pink Minnie Mouse shit, which is so her and so girlie. Great. I wouldn’t admit to that nonsense being “so me,” but to each her own, Kenley. Enjoy your time at the Magic Kingdom.

Michael has a bit of a tantrum when he realizes April is doing a red dress and decides to get fifteen yards of something black. Word of warning, dude, B and M said if you do a plain black dress it basically has to be the best! black! dress! ever! So, yeah. Get on that. Silly fellow, though, because April is dyeing the red fabric she bought, so there would have been a big enough difference between them.

Everyone else seems to think the dyeing is a mistake, which makes me want her to show them all up. I don’t know why, but I like April. And her new gray hair.

Joanna-who-is-not-Tim-Gunn comes in, and talks to Rami before kissing Austin’s ass a little about his evening gown experience. April has no plan B, so plan A better work. Michael has a stunning detail finished, but isn’t planning to put cups in his dress, so we may or may not be in for a nip slip. Kara’s fabric looks like a mid-90s denim jacket with pastel flowers on it. I know it’s not denim, but I think Karen Brewer wore a vest made out of that on the cover of a Baby Sitters’ Little Sister book.

Sweet P went for color again, but her dress might not be couturey enough. That’s a word now. Anthony is making something out of white and Joanna worries it may look bridal, but he’s planning to give it a plunging front and back because brides don’t wear that. Apparently he’s never watched Say Yes to the Dress, because dude, they do. They also spend $20,000 on dresses that look like glorified lingerie with a skirt, but I digress. Kara is having some trouble with her Laura Ashley wannabe dress, and Mondo thinks she’s the weakest link (goodbye!).

That night at the Flatotel (not Atlas! Everything is different on this show!), Anthony says what’s they’re doing is an insult to couture and it should just be called “really, really, really pumped-up prom dresses.” Considering the monstrosity I wore to my senior prom, I’d gladly take anything I’m seeing here. Except Kara’s. I’ll have none of that flowered nonsense.

Down in the product placement make-up room, Kenley is telling them to load on pink blush. This girl is going to look like one of those mints you get from a bowl in Greek restaurants but should never actually eat because all the news stories say they’re covered in fecal bacteria.

The Good:

Rami’s hot pink gown was beautifully sewn and classic. Mondo went short (that’s not a dig) with a train thing. Sexy but still regal and 60’s inspired. Austin, king of couture, had a nice mixture of fabrics in a simple dress. Michael’s was absolutely stunning, with a sexy shape and collar.

The Meh:

Gordana’s was full of flapper purple awesomeness, but the leg cut-outs are weird. Mila had a good fit in her black sequined number but it was not exciting. Anthony made a lovely Grecian look, but her boobs are half out and she barely has any. April had cool concept but you could see a lot of flaws and the hombre was a little odd.

The WTF:

Kenley, as I expected, made bubblegum Minnie Mouse crap with a bigass bow on the front, though it looked well-made. Sweet P’s model looks like she’s wearing a tablecloth over a poorly-made rockabilly halter top from Hot Topic. Jerell picked a nice fabric and made a cool bodice out of mesh, but let’s be honest, it looks like a goddamn tent. Kara. Seriously, the flowers? Ill-fitting, too. Just not OK.

The judges didn’t quite agree with me, sending Kenley and Jerell off as safe but keeping April as part of the bottom. They loved Anthony’s draped dress, and it is well done, but all I can think is that anyone bigger than an A cup would be falling all out of that thing. They didn’t hate Kara’s the way I did, but they thought the proportion was off. Michael’s is “shockingly perfect,” according to Isaac.

The winner is Austin (and his lip caterpillar), which surprised me. I thought for sure it would be Michael, the way they were gushing over his. Austin blubbers nicely at the judges about how honored he is. Anthony, Michael and Kara are safe. It’s down to Sweet P and April. As I sort of expected, Sweet P is the one to go. I like the P and her awesome sleeve tattoos, but this dress was just horrible.

Next week they’re designing for Miss Piggy. I wonder if they’ll have as hard a time designing for a chunky Muppet as they do for chunky women. We shall soon see.