Recap: Project Runway All Stars, Episode 3: “As Moi Says, ‘Designer, De Better.'”

It’s time to start the bitching, it’s time to get in fights, it’s time to time to meet the ugly on the All Stars show last night!

I was Kermit green with envy when the blonde host of Project Runway (Should I be remembering her name by now? Can I just call her Not-Heidi?) announced that the designers would be creating a cocktail dress for none other than Her Divine Porkness, Miss Piggy! I love Miss Piggy like I love her tasty cousin, pork chop. When I was very young, I had a shirt that said “It’s hard to be humble when you’re great” and it had Miss Piggy splashed across it. I took that as my life motto, so these designers better have broughten it in the clothes department.

EVEN BETTER?! Miss Piggy was one of the judges. At this point in the show (about three minutes in) I was a squeeing pile of imbecile. Even my cat walked away from me in shame. Whatever, bitch. I wish you were a talking pig who wears leopard!

All the designers seemed to really embrace the challenge, which made me happy, because I didn’t have to type mean things about them. For hating Miss Piggy. Austin twinkled when he said he couldn’t wait to meet Miss Piggy in person. In pigson. Whatever. He feels that he and Miss Piggy were kindred spirits – they both enjoy peppering their speech with phrases en Français. Miss Piggy is my kindred spirit as well. I adore splashy clothing, for one. And I married a frog.

Even before the pattern pieces were sculpted from bolts of fabric, the designers rushed to the Neiman Marcus accessory wall to grab shoes and whatnots. Kara and Mondo wanted the same pair of long, hot pink, satin gloves. And why not? Nothing screams Miss Piggy more than those gloves do – with what else does one karate chop an idiot? In the end, Mondo let Kara have them. Boo-urns. Doesn’t Kara know to just give Mondo everything? Because I said so, that’s why. I tried to tell her that and she replied, “Who are you? Leave me alone!” Some people are so touchy when you follow them at the CVS. The next day, Austin had pilfered half her accessories. It seems to me that if you’ve picked out the perfect shoes, you ought to hide those things! It’s a Muppet-eat-Muppet world in that workroom, and you need to make sure you don’t get bork-bork-borked.

Joanna Coles, Editor-in-Chief, Marie Claire, came by to discuss the designs mid-sew. She reminded Mila that headbands can be tricky when one has two lovely, big pig ears. I actually began liking Joanna this episode, for her adoration of all things Piggy was evident. She even smiled!

In the workroom on day two, this fabulous exchange happened:

Anthony: I was about to eat a piece of bacon this morning.

Austin: You better not say that in front of her!

Anthony: I already feel bad for all her children I’ve eaten in the past.

The mood was joyous and I just found myself grinning while I watched this episode. I say that PR should be all Muppets, all the time. Next week: Beaker! He’s been wearing the same damn lab coat for thirty years. Although it might be hard to decipher his scores when every comment is “Meep meep meep meep.”

Judging this week’s fabulosity were Miss Piggy (but of course!); Georgina Chapman of Marchesa; and Eric Daman, Costumer for Gossip Girl. Miss Piggy wore a Dior’s New-Look-esque outfit of sculptured grey jacket atop a wide, scarlet skirt. Her radiant hair fell across her rosy cheek in rippling, shining waves in a way that mine never does, no matter how many times Cosmo tries to tell me it will when I hot-roller it.

Michael chose a metallic brocade for his minidress, bedecked in front with a loopy, stiff bow. Yawn. I feel like I’ve seen this a million times before…hiding under my Christmas tree. This getup belongs on a brand new Wii, not an international glamour pig. Piggy also thought it looked like a present – a present for Kermie!

April’s little number had just the right amount of edge plus a nice mixture of elements to make it just over-the-top enough, but not too much. Black was a wise choice for such a mix of polka dots, feathers, pleats, and bows.

I enjoyed the idea of Jerell’s pink asymmetrical-hem and black-feather-shoulder showstopper, but the fit on the bodice was criminal. Miss Piggy wouldn’t be caught sauteed in such a boob-sagging state.

Kara’s black and grey houndstooth wiggle dress was darling. I loved the under-bust cutout, even though that sort of thing doesn’t usually appeal to me. The hot pink piping added a nice touch, and I’m glad she won those gloves, because frankly, she needed them. I don’t know if the dress was oomph-ey enough without them.

Kenley designed a ’50s throwback in pink giraffe. The fabric choice was inspired. The judges loved it, apparently forgetting that this is the only dress Kenley makes. Eric said the hat would be wonderful to hide parts that an actress may be sensitive about, meaning Piggy’s ears. “What about my ears?” Piggy asked, a gleam in her eye. Miss Piggy certainly wears hats, but not to hide her ears. Indeed, we should all be proud of our parts like Miss Piggy is. The starlet went on to comment that she loved the hat, because once she’s done with her evening on the town, she could use it to scrub her pots and pans. While Piggy would wear a leopard because it is rawr! fierce, a giraffe is…what is a giraffe? Too boring for pigs, apparently.

Anthony’s dress was a showstopper…on a person. The black and net stripes were gorgeous. Purple feathers swooped across the bust. The skirt flared full and longer in the back, making the walk of the dress spectacular. However, I worried that the design would be muddled and lost on a starlet of Miss Piggy’s stature. I would buy this dress in a heartbeat, although I confess I’m not much taller than Piggy.

Rami designed a dress that could do double duty – as Miss Piggy’s cocktail dress and as the dance-off number for Cha Cha DiGregorio, the best dancer at Saint Bernadette’s. That was a lot of dress. I think I had one just like it for my South Beach Ken doll. Rami explained that the ruffles would flounce around Piggy like petals on a rose, and her mouth dropped open in glee. Not-Heidi said that this would be a difficult dress for the average woman to wear, but then Piggy pointed out that she wasn’t average. Eric called it “Parisian Hog Couture,” which Piggy thought was a dig. He better watch himself, lest he catch a hoof upside the head. Piggy said the dress was the most garish, outlandish, ridiculous thing she’d ever seen…and she loved it!

Mila’s mod cutie worked for me…on a person. Again, I just don’t think it screamed Miss Piggy particularly. But there’s no question it was chic and adorable. Our star enjoyed that it was retro, but noted that it did not scream Miss Piggy, only whispered it. Piggy thought it might make a good Halloween costume for moi.

Gordana’s wispy pink confection did look like a nightgown that Mrs. Pete Campbell might wear on Mad Men, just as Joanna warned about in the workroom. With the ruffles, filmy fabric, and gathering, however, I thought it would look less like bed wear on Miss Piggy. It would hit just the right, fun note on her, especially with the rhinestone accents at the bust. Miss Piggy disagreed with me, saying, “It’s a fun, fun dress. I don’t know if it’s ‘moi.'” Of course, I defer to Piggy. I was wrong. So, so wrong. I just hope she can find it in her snout to forgive me.

Austin’s silly, bow-bedecked frock was a bit much. Georgina thought the pink was too serious, not happy enough. MIss Piggy said, “We’re disturbed… by the bows.” She wasn’t sure if it was a functional dress – after all, could you hula-hoop in it? I had to pause my playback here, for I’d fallen on the floor laughing. Austin remarked that the bows would keep the hula hoop up. Miss Piggy conceded the point. FYI, Lifetime executives, if you greenlit a show called Miss Piggy and Austin Scarlett Explain Life to You, I would watch it every single day and probably start a religion based on it. I don’t even think Jesus would mind.

Mondo’s metallic, pink mod dress made me swoon. Up close, the fabric was dazzling – little paint-specks of color in pink, orange, and white. Giant buttons on top and an almost-ruffle hem made of triangles of fabric turned the standard shape into something amazing. Pigs in space, indeed.

The best moment, in a show full of wonderful moments, came when Eric said one too many stupid things and Miss Piggy gave him a HI-YA! smack for all the pig remarks. How I wish I could Hi-YA! idiots in real life without getting arrested. I have a list in case they ever legalize casual chopping.

The winner was Michael, and Miss Piggy will wear the dress to promote The Muppets. I took a moment to question myself because Piggy chose a winner I really disagreed with. Was I living my life in an un-Piggy fashion? Moi? But then I thought, Miss Piggy would never question herself this way. Miss Piggy knows that everything she does is fabulous and amazing! And so do I. I thought this dress was bleh and I am right! So there. I think the grande dame pig would be okay with my conclusions, one righteous babe to another.

Slinking away to the sad music was Gordana. I’ll miss her a lot – she’s a classy, talented woman and I’m sad to see her go. On the way out she told women her age that it was never too late to follow their own dreams, especially after putting them aside for family. The older I get, the more I have to tell myself, “It’s never too late!” And it’s not!

So, you heard the ladies, Persephoneers! Live like you’re Miss Piggy every day! Be fabulous, bold, and smack the %^$# out of anyone who tries to tell you to do anything differently!